Jo Koy: Live from Seattle

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1

Yo

Finally here

You know I'm finally here

Finally here

You know I'm finally here

I hear these people talking about

Where I been

I been on tour trying to work it out

They talking, like

"Man, you finally made it, dawg"

Sh*t, I'm working on copping

My second house

I remember back when

No one wanted to listen

Kind of funny who done came and gone

But I'm still here

And I ain't going nowhere

Nah, it's my time, homey

This where I belong

Truth is, I'm a savage...

I'm home, you guys.

[chuckling]

Look at the diversity in this room.

Every color.

[cheers and applause]

That's what I love about Seattle.

There's, like, every color

just mixed with everybody else.

[audience laughing]

Good sh*t.

We've got Latinos out here.

[cheering]

Somehow you guys swam up.

"Just keep going!

I swear to God, mijo. Keep going!"

When I first moved out here...

Like, when I was living out here,

this is where the Indian casinos

started opening.

Like Muckleshoot. Remember that?

Is that still around?

- [crowd] Yeah!

- Muckleshoot?

But when an Asian says it,

it sounds more Asian than Indian.

[Asian accent]

"Muckleshoot. You want to play...

Where you play?

Muck... Muckleshoot.

Play blackjack at Muckle... Muckleshoot."

You go to the Indian reservation.

I've never seen any Indians.

There's more... I don't see any.

It's just all Vietnamese people and...

Chinese people.

That's all. I want to see an Indian.

One. Just one. Give me one Indian.

I want to see Pocahontas.

Just one Pocahontas.

Just give me an Indian lady.

One Indian lady.

I swear to God, if I find her, it's over.

It's over. I want a hot Indian wife,

and I'll marry her,

and I'll have ten kids with her,

just so when I load the van,

I can go...

One little, two little

Three little Indians

Four little, five little

Six little Indians

Seven little, eight little...

I love watching...

When women laugh, it's my favorite.

Because when women laugh,

they laugh hard.

They don't give a sh*t.

If it's funny, they're, like,

"Oh, my God. Right?

Ten Indians. And then he'll count,

like the f***ing song!

Hilarious!

[sobbing]

Hilarious!"

Women will laugh... Look.

Women will laugh and cry.

Women will laugh and cry

because they're emotional creatures.

They can't give you one emotion.

"I gotta give you two!

Ha ha ha! Are you serious?

Are you happy?

Ha ha ha! F***! F***!

Seriously, stop! F***!"

[cries]

And they do this sh*t. What is that?

Because they're crying,

and that's their way of drying the tears.

Fanning tears. That's f***ing water!

You can't fan water!

You don't get out of the shower and go,

"Oh, my God, that shower was amazing.

Oh, my God! I'm gonna be late!"

Women will laugh and pee.

They don't give a sh*t.

In public. In public!

In front of their friends.

They don't give a sh*t.

They'll tell their friends,

"He's funny, right?"

"I know. I just peed a little.

I swear to God."

"A little? B*tch, that's a lot."

"I don't give a f***.

It's funny. It's funny."

And I love it when women laugh

and they threaten

that they want you to stop,

and if you don't, they're gonna pee.

They threaten you.

"Stop. No, seriously, stop!

I swear to God, I'm gonna pee!

Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop! Stop!

I'm gonna pee.

Look, look!

Seriously.

You're crazy."

This is amazing.

Look, she's crying right now!

Where's the hand? Look at her!

And then look at her crotch. Piss.

She just pissed.

You got that on tape, right?

Welcome to Hollywood, b*tch.

She did exactly what I said.

She went like that, then went like that,

and she went, like, "Oh, my God.

F***ing stop! I'm about to sh*t!

I'm gonna sh*t.

You want me to sh*t? I'll sh*t."

I'm half-white, half-Filipino.

That's what I am.

Which means my dad was in the military.

That's not even a joke.

That's real sh*t.

A lot of soldiers were fighting

for this country.

My dad was dating.

I'm his Purple Heart.

My dad would say borderline-racist sh*t

to me when I was a kid.

Borderline-racist sh*t.

But I knew he was joking. It's my dad.

Just sitting at the dinner table, like,

"You know why I married your mom, right?"

I'm, like, "Why?"

"Because I love Chinese food."

"She's Filipino, Dad."

"Whatever.

Rice is rice."

What the f***? "Rice is rice!"

That's so racist!

I'm not knocking what my mom had to do

to get to America.

F*** it. That's her hustle.

That was her hustle.

God bless you, Mom.

You hooked up with a soldier

and had a kid in America.

God bless you, Mom.

She did what she had to do.

She could've hooked up with a Filipino

and had a kid in the Philippines.

You know how much a comedian makes

in the Philippines?

A chicken and flip-flops.

F*** that. F*** that.

I don't even like flip-flops.

My mom was the sh*t.

My mom and dad divorced

when I was, like, ten, 11 years old.

My mom had to raise us on her own.

She did that sh*t on her own.

Tough as sh*t. She had...

[cheers and applause]

Sometimes a little too tough.

Like, it was borderline illegal, but...

It sucked.

My mom never took us to the doctor.

My mom raised us like we were still

in the Philippines.

She tried to cure everything at home,

like a real Filipino woman.

You had to...

You had to die to go to the hospital.

Sh*t. My mom cured everything

with Vicks VapoRub.

Vicks VapoRub!

I should've died nine times

when I was a kid.

That's abuse! There was one time

I thought I had pneumonia.

I go, "Mom, I think I have pneumonia."

She goes, "I'll put extra Vicks

on your body, Joseph.

Just rub it everywhere, Joseph.

Rub it on the bottom of the foot,

and then put a sock on the foot,

and then the pneumonia

will come out of the foot, Joseph."

I'm just smothered in f***ing Vicks.

I should've called the cops.

One time I was so sick...

I swear to God, true story...

I go, "Mom, I don't feel good.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep, Mom."

My mom took her finger

and stuck it in Vicks

and rubbed it on top of my eyelids.

On top of my eyelids!

That sh*t burned so bad.

I go, "Mom, it burns!

I can't open my eyes!"

My mom goes, "Well, then you can sleep.

Good night, Joseph."

She didn't give a sh*t.

Mean.

She never hit us. My mom never hit us.

She just scared us a lot.

She loved to curse,

and she used to flex like that.

She used to do that sh*t!

She brought that to America!

Anyone that does this sh*t,

hey, my mom started that sh*t.

She did it to all of us.

You know how embarrassing that is,

to get punked by a four-foot-eight

Asian woman at the f***ing mall?

"Get out of the goddamn Foot Locker.

Get out of the Foot Locker!"

"I'm not even in the Foot Locker!"

I used to cry and tell my mom,

"Mom, when I have kids,

I'm never gonna do what you do to me

to my kids."

And my mom looked at me... I swear to God...

she put her hand on my shoulder and goes,

"Joseph, promise me, okay?

Never have kids."

Sh*t on my dreams.

I'm telling you this:

I became a comedian,

which is totally against the grain

when you have a Filipino mom.

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