Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work Page #3

I was very shocking.

I remember I had a joke

about abortions

when you weren't supposed to

even say the word

on television.

I have a friend

who just got married.

The woman is 32 years old.

She had 14 appendectomies,

if you know

what I'm telling you.

You know, back and forth

to Puerto Rico.

She never stopped flying.

She walked down the aisle

in white.

Every usher went...

My manager took me out

and said to me,

"Joanala, you're going

into places you shouldn't go.

"It's not right.

It's not right.

A woman shouldn't talk

about that."

I remember thinking,

"You are so wrong.

This is exactly what

we should be talking about."

My daughter loves me

very, very much.

I was there when she gave birth.

Ugch! Oh!

In California, they bring

the parents in now

to see the birt-

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

In my day,

having a child was better.

They knocked you out

with the first pain.

They woke you up

when the hairdresser showed.

You knew nothing.

It was so much better.

"Miss Rivers, you had a girl."

"Good, good, good."

"Is she normal?"

"Yeah."

"Good, good."

"Is she white?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

"The marriage continues."

- I went to see her live

one time.

The sh*t that came

out of her mouth

was so shocking and so funny.

She was doing something

that no other woman was doing.

You know, I wouldn't be doing

this if it wasn't for Joan,

much in the way

that she acknowledges

that Phyllis Diller

paved the way for her

and before her was Moms Mabely,

and-get it.

There's a handful of women

in modern history

that have done this.

Just a handful.

I was so angry...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay.

While we're on the subject,

let me talk to you

about sex over 60.

After 60, the body drops.

The body drops.

Yeah.

And it's not just the breasts.

Vaginas drop.

Vaginas drop.

Um, six years ago, I woke up

one morning, and I said,

"Why am I wearing

a bunny slipper?

And why is it gray?"

Brilliant.

- I went to the dermatologist,

so please excuse the way I look.

- I got a shot filled

with everything, and I said,

"I need this for four months."

When do you go?

She just went crazy.

"Just blast away."

- Then she said,

"Here, go to rehearsal."

Okay.

Thank you, Pat.

My mother told me,

"Looks don't count."

She told me this a lot.

Saturday nights,

in our kitchen,

while I was growing up.

My mother used to look at me

and say...

"Looks don't count!

Now get out of my sight,

you big lump!"

And my mother lied

because looks count...

It's very scary

when you see yourself totally

without any makeup.

It's really...

Ew, it gives me the willies.

Why?

"Who is that person?"

So I get up in the morning,

and the first thing I do is,

I get into makeup.

Now, I was never

the natural beauty.

No man has ever,

ever told me I'm beautiful.

They've said to me,

"You look great.

You look this.

You're terrific."

But no man ever said,

"Oh, my God,

you're so beautiful."

Good.

Bring 'em right in.

Yeah!

Good.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Looking good.

Good.

Aah, okay let's do tools.

And one-

Yeah, that's great!

Good. Yeah.

- Didn't you want the hand going

to the side?

People want to look at

pretty women.

Nobody wants an old woman,

so I started

with the plastic surgery,

little bits and tweaks.

Then I got very angry

because nobody would admit it.

I really became

a big advocate of it.

And so then I became

the poster girl for it,

and then I became

the joke of it.

Tools out a little bit.

Yeah, that's it.

Good.

- So how'd you come up

with the title?

- Marilyn Monroe told that

to me at a party.

- Yeah?

Yeah?

You and I were having

a discussion

before we went on the air today.

I said, if you don't feel good

about yourself inside,

plastic surgery

will not help at all

and in fact

could make things worse,

because then you think,

"Well, people don't-

aren't really appreciating

the real me."

Well, who is the real me?

Tell me...

You are the real me.

Well, don't-look, we want to be

loved for our sense of humor,

for our soul, for our sweetness,

for our vulnerability,

for our intelligence, yes?

I just want to be loved.

I met Edgar-

I had been on the Carson show,

and Edgar called,

and he said to Johnny,

"Who do you know

that's a good writer?"

And Carson said, "There was

a girl writer on last week.

You should look her up. "

I met him, and I married him

four days later.

Was I madly in love with him?

No.

Was it a good marriage?

Yes.

I thought marriage was going

to be hugging and kissing

like in the movies.

You walk hand in hand

over the hill into the sunset.

You know what's

on the other side of that hill?

Filthy dishes, that's what.

And socks.

- How was the last show

last night?

- Very good,

as a matter of fact.

Good, good.

- Without Edgar,

I couldn't have done it.

We worked together.

We worked on projects together,

so it was a family business.

Any woman that has a child

that doesn't yell is a fool.

Don't you think?

Didn't you yell?

- No.

- Why not?

It's your one chance

to be noticed.

When I was having my kid,

you should've-

"Aah!

Aah!"

And that was just

during conception.

I just...

I was dying to be a mother.

I couldn't wait to be a mother,

and I really worked very hard

to be there for her.

Of course, I'm sure she felt

very deserted as a child,

but I was-I was there

as much as I could be

and I made sure

we were a family unit

and she knew it.

And everyone's like,

"Oh, what was it like living

with a legend?"

I'm like,

"Yeah, it was hilarious

when I was getting grounded, "

which is why I always say

to people, it's like,

"You don't realize

"how in these

very extraordinary,

"abnormal circumstances

what a normal world

my parents created."

And that's a testament to them.

It's funny because she refers

to her career as "the career,"

and it dawned on me one day

that I had a sibling.

We all work on the career

as if it's a totally separate

entity in the room.

- Melissa, what was

your mom's reaction

when you told her you wanted

to go into show business?

What was it we use to say?

Supportive yet not encouraging.

Yeah, and still am.

And still am,

which is a little late

in the game.

Yeah, but it-

- To be supportive

and not encouraging.

- No, but it's such

a hard business.

What I try to do with Melissa,

I try to protect her.

This is the one business

in the world-

it is total rejection.

And I'm 75,

and I'm still rejected.

This business,

you are mud your whole life.

Joce, Joce, are you there?

Yes.

Have you heard from Billy?

- I haven't.

I have got no calls back.

- All right.

Did you send him an email?

I really-I want him there

to see the play

before we go to Edinburgh.

I mean, there's Edinburgh.

There's London, my God.

He's got to see the play.

- Okay.

I'll email him as well.

- So that's my manager, Billy,

who I adore,

disappears all the time.

Three years ago,

it was very, very bad,

and I almost-

I almost fired him then.

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