Joe Dirt

Turn it up.

Dang.

That's what I'm talking about. L.A.!

Radio station ID.

Coming to work. Joe Dirt.

Don't try and church it up, son.

Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

Naming you that, your daddy

must have really hated you.

You're wrong, brother.

I got a good name

for this car:
Rusty.

- Sh*t'll buff out.

- Don't bother.

Drive this piece of crap off a cliff.

Do us all a favor.

This look like a piece of crap

to you?!

You like them spinning tires?

- You suck!

- You do!

Did he hurt you, baby?

People like that security guard

don't really mean what they say.

They just got their own issues.

All's I got to do is keep

being a good person.

No matter what,

good things'll come my way.

Everything will happen for me, as long

as I never have "no" in my heart.

Can't a guy even take a dump

in peace? Psycho.

- F***ing cocksucker.

- Right on.

Things are going to happen for me.

I'm Joe Dirt!

I'm going to the restroom

to take a big Joe.

Don't forget to wipe your dirt.

You boys got something to say?

Why don't you talk in the microphone?

I got a backup mike right here.

Check, one, two. Testing, testing.

They both work and they don't

like no feedback. What's up?

What's going on? Keep it down.

Zander Kelly's on the air.

What's the deal with your haircut?

I'm sorry about the noise, sir.

This ain't no haircut. This is a wig.

A wig... Look at you.

Jesus!

I got somebody I want you to meet.

Come with me.

Come on back.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is Zander Kelly.

You're listening to 98.6, KXLA.

All-aberration radio, all the time.

Zander. You got to see this guy.

God almighty! Manna from

inbred heaven. Hey, freak-boy.

It wants its hairstyle back.

Zander, get this: This is a wig.

What are you wearing a wig for? You

doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?

Freddy, go get "Free Bird"- boy here

an all-access laminate...

...for the show in perpetuity. I'm

wringing this chamois as long as I can.

You are exquisitely pathetic.

What's your name, pal?

Joe Dirt, but if you're just gonna make

fun of me, I'll go back to mopping.

Sit down. Let me take another tact.

Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?

I was born without the top of my skull.

A little bit of my brains was showing,

grossing everybody out.

So my mom put this wig on me

to cover it up...

...and then the bones grew together...

...and it got all infused and entwined.

I don't mean to get all scientific

or whatever.

Why didn't your mom

change the wig later?

Actually, we got separated

when I was eight. I got lost.

You been on your own

since eight years old?

Pretty much.

It's a long story, actually.

Listen to you.

What's the story here?

"I'm a white-trash idiot. " The end.

Is this where you want to be when Jesus

comes back, making fun of Joe Dirt?

Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh

would be chiming in too.

Funny, because my mom used to say that

if she caught me doing stuff.

Like one time, I was jerking

my gherkin... Can I say that?

She goes, "Is this where you want

to be when Jesus comes back?"

A real winner. It's amazing to me

you turned out like you did...

...with that sort of mentoring.

I can't say don't make fun of me...

...but you shouldn't make fun

of my mom.

Guys, you got to hear this guy

on the Zander show.

You're on your own.

The family's ditched you. What next?

Do you really care? It's actually not

an easy story to tell.

I got four hours a day to fill, man.

It's not often I get a freak

plopped into my lap.

Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.

All right, man.

My parents, my sister and I

all went to the Grand Canyon.

While they checked out the sights

and donkeys and whatnot...

- ... I somehow got separated from them.

- Makes his shot.

Hey, Dad. Look. It's the good stuff.

None of that p*ssy Skoal. Right, Dad?

Dad?

Mom!

Dad! Mom!

Where are you?!

Dad!

Mom! Where are you?!

You can come out now.

So there I was.

A lot of kids would have been scared

but I was tough about it.

I walked till the cops picked me up...

...and put me into a foster home.

One guy I fostered out to

for about a month.

He'd take me hunting with him

and his dog.

I thought hunting would be,

you know, more fun than it was.

See, boy, he goes off and fetches

the duck. You see how that works?

Fun, huh?

After that, I spent time

with people who worked on a farm.

I learned cows don't find

bottle rockets as funny as I do.

Then there was this old lady

who had me for a couple weeks.

I don't want to be unkind,

but she was a little off-balanced.

Scrub clean before supper.

And that means wash

under your fingernails...

...and back of your ears

and dress in your Sunday best.

I expect your schoolwork done every

night, laid out for my inspection.

- Is that clear?

- Yes, ma'am.

Can I push him off my leg?

He'll stop humping

as soon as he's done.

Well, the year was 1982.

I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten

in a little trouble here and there...

...so I was in a juvie home

for boys...

...and I was getting ready

to split that scene, and pronto.

Bob Seger?

Be honest, it was Leif Garrett.

It was probably more like this:

No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.

I'm a rocker, through and through.

Here's my favorite bands: ACIDC,

Van Halen, not Van Hagar...

- ... Skynyrd, Def Lepp-

- All right.

Don't make me

call your probey officer.

And riddle me this:

Other than the fact that you dig

looking like Jane Fonda in Klute...

...why don't you cut the wig now?

Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.

Zander just asked this Joe Dirt

why he doesn't cut the wig.

You can tell he's never

thought of that.

Except for the ratty stache

and the pork chops...

...you're pretty clean-shaven for

a kid who lives in a trash can. No?

I don't need to shave because it don't

grow in right here and here.

You're telling me you were

so ingrained with white-trash DNA...

...your facial hair actually grows in

on its own all white-trashy like that?

I don't know what you're saying,

but that's what's going on, yeah.

So back to the story here.

You're on your own...

I'm just camping out or whatever...

...and this goes on for years until

one night, something amazing happened.

Man, a shooting star.

I got to make a wish.

I wish I knew what happened that

one day at that Grand Canyon place.

It's a meteorite!

Whoa, check it out. That's cool.

Oh, man, look at you.

You're probably made of precious

metal, and everyone'll want you.

But you want to be with me! Right on!

You're Joe Meteorite,

and I'm Joe Dirt!

Here on earth,

we call this place the town.

A town is a place where everyone

hates you. Kids try to beat you up.

- Oh, yes. It's so flat.

- Awesome.

This is going to be awesome.

Holy crap, ladies.

Hey, junior dirt bag.

You talking to your rock?

It ain't no rock.

It's a meteor, dum-dum.

Did it land on your barber's head

while he was cutting your hair?

Go practice falling down.

I'll be there in a minute.

You want to fight, you little queer?

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