Joe Dirt Page #2

Queer?

Is this queer?

These queer? What's up? What's up?

He must be retarded.

Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.

- Come on, let's go.

- Yeah? You are.

I mean, you aren't worth it.

I told them, Meteor.

You have my back. You're cool.

What's that?

Five dollars. That's mine now.

You're my lucky meteor. Right on.

I'll hold your half for you.

Meteor, we call this here being

in burger heaven.

We need to find a home.

We need some stability

in our life, man.

We need to settle down.

Life gets hard, you know.

Come on now.

It's a little bumpy.

Look at that town, Meteor.

That's pretty.

I bet people in a town like that'll

be nice to us.

Let's go down there.

Come on.

No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor.

Not in a million years.

But just for laughs,

let's see how much you're worth.

Well, it ain't a meteor.

It is. It came out of the sky.

I'm sure it did, but it ain't a meteor.

It's a big old frozen chunk of sh*t.

- What?

- Oh, yeah.

Airplanes dump their toilets 36,000

feet, stuff freezes, falls to earth.

We call them Boeing bombs.

That can't be. That's not what it is.

I'm afraid so.

You see the peanut? Dead giveaway.

Yeah, that's a space peanut.

I'm afraid not.

This is a big old frozen

chunk of poopie.

Dude, you were eating off it.

Oh, God.

Okay. That's too much, too much.

Then what happened?

Well, then I got a dog.

You're saying you'd rather have a dog

than a frozen hunk of crap.

It wasn't really my dog.

It was this girl's dog.

I was living in the woods outside of

that postcard town I said. Silvertown.

I'd come in to steal stuff,

you know, food, whatever.

And then one winter...

Are you okay, boy?

Oh, no, are your nuts

frozen to the porch?

Oh, that sucks.

Don't pull on them.

- Who are you?

- It's okay.

I was just walking by.

Your dog's in a little trouble.

- What's wrong?

- I think his...

You know how when you get your

tongue frozen in a freezer...

...because it's all wet?

I think he got-

- Nuts frozen to the porch?

- Yes, exactly.

Oh, baby. Well, what do we do?

We got to do something...

Do you have something inside?

Don't pull on them.

It's okay. Don't move,

it'll stretch them more. That's bad.

No. That's wrong.

No, that's way wrong.

Do you got like warm water and...

- A fork!

- Yeah. No. What?

A spatula thing. The flat one.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Just give her a second. Dang.

I got it. Now what?

Now here's what we do. I just pour a

little water on here. You hold him.

Easy.

Ain't no flapjack, I'd go easy.

Should loosen it up a little bit...

I don't want to look. I'm sorry.

One, two, three, go.

There. Hey, buddy, you're free!

- Good boy!

- Good job.

You might want to spray this porch

with Pam, so it don't happen again.

What's his name?

Charlie.

And mine's Brandy.

Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you too.

Get your ass in the kitchen. Fire up

that stove, you got some cooking to do.

Daddy? Can we have my new friend

Joe, over for supper?

Are you nuts, girl? We ain't running

no soup kitchen here, boy.

Scat! Get out of here!

Long-haired hippie freak.

He's mean.

I'll be your friend.

For some reason,

and I have no idea why...

...Brandy always wanted

to hang out with me.

I had Charlie, so that was cool.

For the next couple years, the three

of us was hanging out at the farm.

That was the closest thing

I ever had to a home.

Till one day...

- Oh, Dirt, did I get you?

- No, I'm cool.

No, you're not. Where's Brandy?

She's riding her horse.

She'll be back in a minute.

You guys want to play bumper pool?

No.

How does she put up with you, Dirt?

That's a good question.

She's great though, ain't she?

You know, sometimes it's like...

...she likes me or something.

Dream on, Dirt-boy.

A girl like that's out of your league.

She wants my body.

No, I know, man, that's all...

That's for you. I'm not...

We're friends.

She's out of my league.

Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

Check this out, Robbie.

This is a good month. Dang.

This guy's got a dashmat

for a '69 Nova he wants to sell...

...and a car cover

for any Dodge from '79 to '84.

You don't even have a car.

I know, but that's a deal. They're

usually 80 bucks and this guy wants 40.

Look at this. Charlie, see that?

This guy's selling a Hurst

speed shifter with a pool-ball grip.

One day I'll have a car that bad-ass.

I'll be chirping gears

and pulling brodies, going...

You'll stick your head out the window,

check out chick-dogs, "What's up?"

Boy, I swear, I'll slap you silly.

Tell you what:
Why don't you practice

spitting out teeth, because I will-

Come here.

What's up, goat-roper?

Not much, pig-licker.

Watch the gun, baby.

That's how I get the gals.

Come on.

I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen.

Why are you being all nice?

I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt.

Can I come too?

Robbie, I only have enough money

for me and Joe.

Come on, Joe. Let's do it.

- Come on, Charlie.

- Come on, boy!

Oh, God. She is so fine.

One day, I'm gonna marry that girl.

Oh, there you are.

Give me that mutt.

- Take him hunting with me.

- Daddy. You've been drinking.

Shut the hell up.

Just give me the mutt now.

If you take the dog, I'll go with him

because I've been hunting before.

You hunt? I wouldn't even

use you as a retriever.

That's a good one.

Charlie, get in the car.

Charlie, you mangy mutt!

Get in the damn car,

you flea-bitten...

...butt-licking...

...son of a b*tch.

Two.

Yeah! What?

Hey, my foot's stuck!

Charlie, come here.

Come here now. Come here, Charlie.

My foot's stuck. See my foot's stuck?

I need your help. I need you

to go find Sheriff Williams.

Now go on. Go get him. Go get help.

Go get him. Run, Charlie.

Run like the wind!

Run!

Run, Charlie.

That stupid dog better

be bringing somebody.

Your dad always hunt this long?

Hey, there's Charlie!

There's my buddy. Where've you been?

There you go, Don.

Take her easy.

Oh, my God!

There's that worthless mutt.

What happened?

It's that goddamn dog's fault!

Now I'm putting him down.

- No, you can't! Don't!

- Guess who came back, Charlie?!

Joe, he's okay now.

He's in dog heaven.

You gave him some great last years.

Sprinkle his ashes.

They'll drift out to sea.

He would have liked that.

I can't do it.

I'm taking him with me.

Taking him with you? But...

...where are you going?

You see that moon?

You don't know how many nights

I spend alone staring at that moon...

...wondering if at that moment, my mom

or my dad was looking at it too.

And for that brief second, we were

together again, kind of. You know?

When I was with Charlie,

I didn't miss that moon so much.

Brandy, I got a hole in my heart.

I don't know how to fix it.

I gotta find out what happened

at the Grand Canyon. I gotta do it.

But what if when you're gone,

some guy asks me to marry him...

...and you're not here?

What's that got to do with me?

We'll always be buddies.

Well, if I get married...

...we might move and...

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