Joe Versus the Volcano Page #7

JOE:

Alright.

Joe gets out of the car and goes in.

26INT. DUNHILL - UNDERWEAR COUNTER - DAY26

A conservative UNDERGARMENT SALESMAN is helping Joe.

UNDERGARMENT SALESMAN

How many pairs of boxer shorts

would you like, sir?

(CONTINUED)

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 33.

26CONTINUED:
26

JOE:

How many does a man need?

The Salesman pauses, thinks and replies.

UNDERGARMENT:

SALESMAN Eight pairs.

27EXT. DUNHILL - DAY27

Marshall's leaning against the limo, reading a copy of

The Scientific American.

A WOMAN appears dressed as the Statue of Liberty. She

looks at Marshall. He returns the glance. She has a tin

can in her hand.

MARSHALL:

What?

STATUE (WOMAN)

How about a dollar for the way

I look?

MARSHALL:

Shoot. How 'bout a dollar for

the way I look?

He gives her a dollar.

MARSHALL:

Yeah.

She exits. Joe comes out of the store with a shopping

bag. Marshall opens the door for him.

JOE:

They've got a changing room.

I'm wearing the underwear.

MARSHALL:

I knew that. I could see it on

your face.

28INT. LIMO - STILL AT CURB BY BROOKS - DAY 28

MARSHALL:

What else you need?

JOE:

Ah, well, some kind of

overcoat. I don't know, maybe

like a English trench coat.

(CONTINUED)

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 34.

28CONTINUED:
28

MARSHALL:

English trench coat? That's

foul weather wear, man.

You're goin' west!

JOE:

What would you get?

MARSHALL:

You're a sexual man?

JOE:

Yeah?

MARSHALL:

Not that I mean to be crude,

but I'm trying to express

something. Armani. That's

what you want. And how 'bout

a haircut?

JOE:

What's wrong with my hair?

MARSHALL:

I can't express it. It looks

like freedom without choice.

It looks wrong.

While he's talking, he has picked up the car phone and

punched some numbers. He speaks into the phone.

MARSHALL:

Salon Salon, please.

He breaks the connection and dials again.

MARSHALL:

Hi, gimme Cassie Cimorelli,

please. Hello, Cassie? It's

Marshall, how you? Good.

Listen, I got somebody who

needs you today, can you help

me out? 2:
30? Great, good,

thanks.

He hangs up.

MARSHALL:

We gotta get moving.

He puts the car in gear and pulls away.

29EXT. GIORGIO ARMANI'S - DAY 29

The white limo pulls up.

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 5/16/89 35.

30INT. LIMO - DAY 30

JOE:

So what do I ask for?

MARSHALL:

This is too complicated. I

gotta come in with you. If I

getta ticket it can't be

helped.

31EXT. LIMO OUTSIDE ARMANI'S - DAY 31

Joe and Marshall get out and go in.

32INT. ARMANI'S - DAY 32

Joe is standing on a fitting stool in a beautiful suit.

He's being ministered to by an ITALIAN TAILOR, as

Marshall supervises. Marshall murmurs to the Tailor.

MARSHALL:

I still think the full break

over the shoe is the way to

go.

TAILOR:

No more than half this year, I

swear to you.

(to Joe)

You can take it off now, sir.

Points the way to Joe and walks off.

MARSHALL:

Hey, Joe, how about a tux?

JOE:

What for?

MARSHALL:

Something'll come up. There's

nothing a man looks better in.

JOE:

I'll get one if you get one.

MARSHALL:

I can't be buying no Armani

tux. I'm a working man.

JOE:

You're getting paid to drive

the car. Nobody's paying you

to give me all this advice.

Let me buy you the tux and

we'll call it even.

(CONTINUED)

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 35A.

32CONTINUED:
32

Marshall thinks it over.

33INT. ARMANI'S - TEN MINUTES LATER - DAY 33

Marshall is standing on the fitting stool in an Armani

tuxedo. The Tailor is doing his cuffs.

MARSHALL:

Gimme the full break over the

shoe, Pietro. It's my

preference.

TAILOR:

Whatever's your pleasure, sir.

34EXT. ARMANI AT CURB - JOE AND MARSHALL - DAY 34

emerge. Marshall opens the door to the limo for Joe and

urges him to speed it up.

MARSHALL:

Come on, kid! We're on a

roll!

(as he walks around to

the driver's side)

Didn't even get a ticket.

Marshall gets in, starts it up, and pulls away.

35EXT. HORN OF AFRICA - LIMO OUTSIDE - DAY 35

Two Tiki heads bracket either side of the entrance.

36INT. THE HORN OF AFRICA - DAY 36

Joe is trying on a safari jacket. Two salesmen stand by.

Joe nods. Now one of the salesmen puts a particularly

dashing safari hat on Joe. He looks in a mirror. He

really, really likes it.

37INT. SALON SALON - DAY 37

It's a large, bustling beauty center in midtown. There

must be fifteen hairdressers spread out over a spacious,

well-windowed area. It's a festive place with glossy

magazines and coffee and water running and blow dryers

going. Happy BRAZILIAN MUSIC is playing on the sound

system. Now we zero in on Cassie's corner. CASSIE is in

her thirties, with a short fetching up-to-the-minute

haircut.

(CONTINUED)

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 36.

37CONTINUED:
37

She's also got a terrific personality; she's the salt of

the earth. And she's cutting Joe's hair. Marshall sits

on a nearby chair. He's reading B, a trendy magazine.

JOE:

How you making me look?

CASSIE:

I'm undoing this cut from

before. This is some piece of

geography. Where'd you get

this?

JOE:

In one of those subway barber

shops.

CASSIE:

It has that reality. Grim.

You're a very handsome guy,

I'm just gonna bring that out.

Marshall, which one is that?

MARSHALL:

It's the in and out issue.

CASSIE:

That's the best! What's in?

MARSHALL:

Carrie Fisher, Barcelona,

African-Americans, happy

endings, The New York Dally

News, tomato salads, God,

garlic, wristwatches you have

to wind up, and true love.

CASSIE:

Did you say Carrie Fisher?

MARSHALL:

You don't like Carrie Fisher?

CASSIE:

I love Carrie Fisher! I can't

believe it! So intelligent!

So dry! That's a totally

great list. What's out? Read

it slow.

MARSHALL:

Kafka, C.D.'s.

CASSIE:

That's true. I've had it with

Kafka. Those little eyes...so

full of misery.

(CONTINUED)

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 37.

37CONTINUED:
(2) 37

MARSHALL:

Stand-up comedy...

CASSIE:

Stand-up comedy makes me

nervous.

MARSHALL:

All restaurants that haven't

been in existence for at least

thirty years.

CASSIE:

Yes.

MARSHALL:

Paloma Picasso.

CASSIE:

No, I don't agree with that.

I love Paloma Picasso. Those

lips! So red, so big!

MARSHALL:

New money and old money.

CASSIE:

Okay.

MARSHALL:

All camp, all trash, all

trivia...

CASSIE:

Oh com'on, take a risk.

MARSHALL:

And The New York Times.

CASSIE:

Finally somebody said it!

What rag!

Cassie finishes cutting Joe's hair. It's a great cut.

CASSIE:

Very gratifying. Thank you,

Marshall. Well, here you are.

JOE:

I look good.

MARSHALL:

You're coming into focus, kid!

I can see you now.

Marshall nods approval. Cassie and Joe exchange a smile.

JOE VERSUS THE VOLCANO - Rev. 6/7/89 37A.

38OMITTED 38

39EXT. HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER - DAY 39

The limo pulls up. Joe goes in. Marshall stays in the

car.

40INT. HAMMACHER SCHLEMMER - DAY 40

ANGLE ON the indoor golfing practice green. Joe putts a

golf ball into the hole.

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