John Dies At The End Page #2

differences, will you release us?

- You lie!

- No no no, we're in the same business.

We got a direct line. Here.

Marconi! Marconi!

Marconi!

Marconi! Marconi!

Monsieur?

- Yes?

- S'il vous plait.

Unseen forces

swirling around us,

- willing to face down the legions of evil...

- Yes.

And helping his fellow

man to find the path

from darkness into the light.

From sold-out engagements

in Rome, Tel Aviv,

- Madison square garden and Las Vegas...

- Sir.

Hello, doctor.

Uh, yeah, John is feeling better.

Thank you for asking.

I'm afraid we have

a situation 53 here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, would you be willing to speak

directly to the manifestation?

Okay, yeah, I will.

We have a deal?

So we meet again, Marconi.

You thought...

damn. He's good.

Marconi. Marconi.

Marconi. Marconi. ( Cheers

spiritualists? Exorcists?

You guys already have a bit of

a following though, don't ya?

I found a couple of

discussion boards on the web

devoted to you and your friend

and your... hobby,

I guess.

Okay, I'm not farting around.

You have 83

in your front pocket, Arnie...

three quarters,

a nickel, three pennies.

The pennies are dated

Well, I'll be damned.

That's a neat trick,

Mr. Wong.

If you flip the nickel 10

times, you'll get heads,

heads, tails, heads, tails, tails,

tails, heads, tails, tails.

I don't think I wanna

take the time to do that.

Last night you had

a dream, Arnie.

You dreamt you were being chased

through the forest by your mother.

She was lashing you with a whip

made of knotted penises.

- That's right, Arnie.

- Everything you know is wrong.

You've got my attention,

Mr. Wong.

Oh, it gets better.

A lot better.

- Bullshit. What it gets

- Is worse.

A lot worse.

It started just

a couple of years ago.

We were just a year

or two out of high school,

just kids.

So that friend of mine John,

he had a band.

I once knew a man...

actually, I made that up.

One, two, three, four!

My melon soul

camel holocaust

crushed by

your Gallagher of apathy

camel holocaust

there's a wolf behind you!

Camel holocaust

no wait, it's just a dog

camel holocaust

hair! Hair!

Hair!

Hair!

my hat smells

like lubricant

camel holocaust

I don't want

to touch it...

- Telling the story now, I'm

- Tempted to say something like,

"who would've thought

my friend John would help

bring about the end

of the world?"

Hair! Hair!

Hair!

Hair!

hair! Hair!

- Hey, Fred.

- Hey.

Here's to all of the

kisses I've snatched

and vice-versa.

Amen.

Justin.

Girl, what you thinking?

- Justin, please!

- Get your hand off me.

Please give it

back to me, Justin.

Please?

Please give it back

to me, Justin.

Get your hand off me, girl. No!

Could I have that back, please?

Umm, hey, you're...

you're Amy, right?

Um...

Do you want a beer?

No, my dog just...

Bit some Jamaican guy.

I've got to go find him.

Man, my Uncle lost a foot

in his riding mower.

Says you can still feel it.

What's that... what's that called?

Fantasy leg situation

or something like that?

It's called

phantom limb syndrome,

and all amputees get it

and it goes away.

A**hole.

Good one, Fred.

I'm floating, man.

- And that's real magic, man.

- What's up?

Is there some guy exposing

himself over there?

Oh my God,

that guy just levitated...

- Right off the ground.

- How high?

- Wow.

- Ooh.

You gotta love

the skeptic, man.

Lemme guess...

about six inches

above the grass, right?

Balducci levitation?

Let's see. What can I do to

impress Mr. skeptic man here?

Ah, look at there.

You forgot to wash behind

your ears there, didn't ya?

It's a quarter, right?

Well, the bug's a nice touch.

Oh.

Do you dream, man?

I interpret dreams...

For a beer.

Well, I don't have any beer,

so I guess I'm out of luck.

I'll tell you what I'll do,

Mr. skeptic man.

I'll do it like Daniel

in the old testament.

I'll tell you

the last dream that you had

and then I'll break down

it's meaning for ya.

And if I'm right, you owe me a beer.

Okay, man?

Sure.

I mean, you've obviously been

blessed with supernatural gifts.

What better way to use them than

to fish for free beer at parties?

You had this one

early this morning

in the middle

of the thunderstorm.

And in the dream, you were back

with your girlfriend Tina.

Whoa. How'd he know that?

And you come home

and she's there

with this big

honking pile of dynamite

and one of them

cartoon plunger detonators,

ready to blow.

And you say,

"what you doing?"

And she says, "this," and boom.

Your eyes snap open

and the explosion

at the end of the dream

become the clap of thunder

outside of your window.

So tell me, man...

am I close?

Holy sh*t.

Okay.

You made a lucky guess.

You see?

You gotta ask yourself, man...

you gotta be really brave to ask

yourself the scary questions.

How did your mind know, David,

- that the thunder was coming?

- How'd you know my...

the thunder came right as she hit the

detonator at the end of your dream.

Your mind started the dream 30

seconds before the thunder.

Now how did the mind know

that the thunder was coming?

Hmm?

Because...

Time is an ocean...

Not a garden hose.

Space is a puff of smoke,

a wisp of cloud.

Your mind is

a flying corn snake,

hovering through

all the possibilities.

Whatever.

You want to know where

your papa really was

when you were in hospital

with broke leg?

Do you want me to tell you

the name of your soulmate?

Or how she'll die?

Do you want to know when the first

nuclear bomb will hit American soil?

Or in which city?

Hey, man!

You owe me a beer, man!

Three arm Sally!

Three arm Sally!

Oh. Where'd you come from?

Good dog.

Oh.

Help yourself.

Okay, Bark Lee,

you and me'll go visit Amy,

see if we can't get back

in her good graces.

John, what's going on?

I can't get out

of my apartment.

- What?

- I'm scared, Dave.

I mean it. It...

it can't be real. It can't.

The way that it moves,

the way it's made...

this is not a product of any

kind of evolution or anything,

but it still managed

to bite me.

- What?

- Can you come over?

Yeah, I'll be there

in 12 minutes.

Oh!

John?

John?

John. John, I'm gonna

call the police.

Oh!

It almost killed you!

You're a f***ing idiot. You know that?

Now we're both gonna die!

- You ready? Go!

- Yeah. Ahh.

Ahh! Ahh.

John?

Do not move.

What?

I know you don't believe me, but

when you turn around, you will.

Don't scream.

If you scream, you're dead.

Now, very slowly, turn around.

There! It moved!

John, you can either come

with me to the hospital

or I'm gonna call

an ambulance, all right?

But I'm not gonna just

stand around

in your apartment while you...

John, go!

Get in the car.

- Why don't you tell me what this is?

- You don't want to touch that.

You shouldn't have come here.

- You called me. You begged me.

- What? I did?

- When?

- Just tell me what this stuff is, John.

They're gonna ask me, so just

tell me before you fall asleep.

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