John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #7
- Year:
- 2015
- 62 min
- 4,363 Views
And I got to meet Bill Clinton
because my parents had gone to
the same college as Bill Clinton.
They're a little younger, but
they went to the same college.
So, when he was first
running for president,
like, alumni fundraisers,
and everyone who went was invited to go.
Now, this was really
cool for a couple reasons.
One, I got to meet Bill Clinton.
But two, I got to watch my parents
watch someone they went to school with
become the president.
And that is super funny to see,
'cause think about some of the
people you went to school with.
Now imagine they're becoming the president.
Imagine Sam was becoming the president.
It would stir up strong emotions.
And my parents had very different
opinions on Bill Clinton.
My mom loved Bill Clinton,
'cause Bill Clinton was always a
really charismatic, handsome guy.
women he got in the 1990s
when he looked like Frank
Caliendo doing John Madden.
Now... imagine him as a college student.
And my mom tells me that
there was this sort of
chivalrous policy on campus back then,
where, late at night,
if female students were leaving
the library unaccompanied,
male students were encouraged to wait
out in front and offer to walk them home.
That sounds good, right?
So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton
would be out in front of the library
every single night... just being like,
"Hey, can I walk ya home?
Hey, can I walk ya home?
Hey, can I walk ya home?
Hey, can I walk ya home?"
And one night, my mom
was leaving the library,
and Bill Clinton was like,
"Hey, can I walk ya home?"
And my mom was like, "Hell, yes."
So... This is absolutely true.
My mom, little Ellen Stanton,
walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton
to her dorm. And she was like,
"You know, I wanted to
invite him up for a beer."
And I was like, "Thanks, I'm nine." But...
her roommate was upstairs, so she
lost her chance with Bill Clinton.
Now, my dad, on the other
hand, hated Bill Clinton,
because my parents were
dating during this time.
And also, my dad's a
much more morally-upright,
conservative kind of guy.
He always told me that
he hated it in college
that Bill Clinton could,
quote, "Get away with anything."
Can you imagine how he felt later?
So, one day, this invitation arrives
for a fundraiser where you
could meet Bill Clinton.
My mom opens it first and she goes,
"Oh, we have to go. We
have to go see Bill."
at her, my dad just says,
"Why?
It's not like he's gonna remember you."
One black coffee.
Same motherf***er.
So, my mom says,
"Fine! I'll go and I'll take
John." And I was like, "Hell, yeah."
And I slid in the room in my
First Communion suit, ready to go.
'Cause I loved Bill
Clinton. I was ten years old.
If you were a kid when Bill
Clinton was first released,
it was the most exciting thing ever.
We'd never seen a cool politician before.
And he would go on MTV,
and he'd have cool
answers to kids' questions.
They'd be like, "Governor,
what's your favorite food?"
And he'd be like, "I don't know, fries?"
And we'd be like, "Yay, we eat fries!"
I learned to play his
campaign song on the piano.
It was "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac...
from Rumours,
people cheating on each other.
He let us know who he was right away.
So, I went with my mom, as her date...
to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton.
We walked into the ballroom.
It was a big hotel ballroom.
It was the Palmer House Hilton,
Walked into the ballroom,
it was packed with people.
It's actually the ballroom from the
end of the movie The Fugitive, remember?
So, that ballroom.
So, my mom and I walk in,
it's packed with people, the...
Sorry, the end where Harrison
Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble,
bursts in to confront Dr.
Charles Nichols, right? Okay.
So, that ballroom.
So, my mom and I walk in,
it's packed with people.
Why does Kimble confront Nichols?
Well, I know we all know this,
but... No, no. But, but, but...
Kimble, he found out that Nichols,
along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz,
who has mysteriously died,
they had hired Frederick Sykes,
the one-armed man, to kill Kimble.
Kimble's wife wasn't even the
target. I know we all know this.
But they were gonna kill Kimble
because he wasn't gonna approve
certain liver samples to pass RUD-90.
So, Kimble finds out about all of
this, and, of course, he's furious.
And he bursts into the
ballroom and he goes,
"You switched the samples!"
And Dr. Nichols is like,
"Ladies and gentlemen, my
friend, Dr. Richard Kimble."
What accent did that guy have, by the way?
He goes, "You switched the samples!
And you doctored your research!
So that you could have Provasic!"
Anyway, so it's that ballroom.
So, we walk into that ballroom.
It was packed with people.
It was packed with people. A real
Who's Not of Chicago celebrities.
Walter Jacobson was there.
Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor.
He'd do fun things where he'd go
undercover as a homeless person.
And he'd be like, "Oh,
what time is the soup?"
And they'd be like, "Man,
you're Walter Jacobson."
He was there.
Everybody.
And on the far side of the
ballroom, under a spotlight,
we saw a little bit of silver hair.
And it was him... Bill Clinton.
The Comeback Kid.
But he was surrounded by reporters,
and photographers, and Secret Service.
So, what are you gonna do?
Well, if you're my mom, you ball
up the back of my sport coat,
and you push me forward
like a human shield.
And then you start jogging while yelling,
"This ten-year-old boy has to meet the
next president of the United States!"
Kind of implying that I might be dying.
My feet were not on the ground.
She was swinging me like a snowplow.
I was just mowing down
fat Chicago Democrats.
I pushed past all the reporters, I
pushed past all the photographers.
We pushed past all the Secret Service.
We land at Bill Clinton's feet.
Bill Clinton turns,
looks at my mom and says,
"Hey, Ellen,"
'cause he never forgets a b*tch, ever.
My mom melts. She goes, "Hi, Bill."
Then it is revealed that she has no plan.
So... she pushes me towards
Clinton and she goes,
"This is my son, John, and he's
also going to be president."
And I was like, "What the
hell are you talking about?
I'm not gonna be president."
And I know now that I'm definitely
never gonna be president.
Not unless everyone gets real cool
about a bunch of stuff really quickly.
Based on my ten-year-old memory,
Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall.
And he leaned down, because,
well, I was wearing this button
that I bought outside the fundraiser.
It was a cartoon button
of George H. W. Bush,
and it had a quail flying over his
head, and it was shitting on his head.
And it said, "Bird-brained."
And I thought it was very funny.
And Bill Clinton leaned down so
that only I could hear and he said,
"Hey, man, I like your button."
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"John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2025. Web. 19 Jan. 2025. <https://www.scripts.com/script/john_mulaney:_the_comeback_kid_11356>.
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