John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid Page #7

Synopsis: Armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit, the former SNL writer offers sly takes on marriage, his beef with babies and the time he met Bill Clinton.
 
IMDB:
7.8
Year:
2015
62 min
4,363 Views


And I got to meet Bill Clinton

because my parents had gone to

the same college as Bill Clinton.

They're a little younger, but

they went to the same college.

So, when he was first

running for president,

he would have all these big,

like, alumni fundraisers,

and everyone who went was invited to go.

Now, this was really

cool for a couple reasons.

One, I got to meet Bill Clinton.

But two, I got to watch my parents

watch someone they went to school with

become the president.

And that is super funny to see,

'cause think about some of the

people you went to school with.

Now imagine they're becoming the president.

Imagine Sam was becoming the president.

It would stir up strong emotions.

And my parents had very different

opinions on Bill Clinton.

My mom loved Bill Clinton,

'cause Bill Clinton was always a

really charismatic, handsome guy.

I mean, think about how many

women he got in the 1990s

when he looked like Frank

Caliendo doing John Madden.

Now... imagine him as a college student.

And my mom tells me that

there was this sort of

chivalrous policy on campus back then,

where, late at night,

if female students were leaving

the library unaccompanied,

male students were encouraged to wait

out in front and offer to walk them home.

That sounds good, right?

So, my mom tells me that Bill Clinton

would be out in front of the library

every single night... just being like,

"Hey, can I walk ya home?

Hey, can I walk ya home?

Hey, can I walk ya home?

Hey, can I walk ya home?"

And one night, my mom

was leaving the library,

and Bill Clinton was like,

"Hey, can I walk ya home?"

And my mom was like, "Hell, yes."

So... This is absolutely true.

My mom, little Ellen Stanton,

walked arm-in-arm with Bill Clinton

to her dorm. And she was like,

"You know, I wanted to

invite him up for a beer."

And I was like, "Thanks, I'm nine." But...

her roommate was upstairs, so she

lost her chance with Bill Clinton.

Now, my dad, on the other

hand, hated Bill Clinton,

because my parents were

dating during this time.

And also, my dad's a

much more morally-upright,

conservative kind of guy.

He always told me that

he hated it in college

that Bill Clinton could,

quote, "Get away with anything."

Can you imagine how he felt later?

So, one day, this invitation arrives

for a fundraiser where you

could meet Bill Clinton.

My mom opens it first and she goes,

"Oh, we have to go. We

have to go see Bill."

And without looking up

at her, my dad just says,

"Why?

It's not like he's gonna remember you."

One black coffee.

Same motherf***er.

So, my mom says,

"Fine! I'll go and I'll take

John." And I was like, "Hell, yeah."

And I slid in the room in my

First Communion suit, ready to go.

'Cause I loved Bill

Clinton. I was ten years old.

If you were a kid when Bill

Clinton was first released,

it was the most exciting thing ever.

We'd never seen a cool politician before.

And he would go on MTV,

and he'd have cool

answers to kids' questions.

They'd be like, "Governor,

what's your favorite food?"

And he'd be like, "I don't know, fries?"

And we'd be like, "Yay, we eat fries!"

I learned to play his

campaign song on the piano.

It was "Don't Stop" by Fleetwood Mac...

from Rumours,

an album written by and for

people cheating on each other.

He let us know who he was right away.

So, I went with my mom, as her date...

to reconnect with Governor Bill Clinton.

We walked into the ballroom.

It was a big hotel ballroom.

It was the Palmer House Hilton,

big Hilton hotel ballroom.

Walked into the ballroom,

it was packed with people.

It's actually the ballroom from the

end of the movie The Fugitive, remember?

So, that ballroom.

So, my mom and I walk in,

it's packed with people, the...

Sorry, the end where Harrison

Ford, as Dr. Richard Kimble,

bursts in to confront Dr.

Charles Nichols, right? Okay.

So, that ballroom.

So, my mom and I walk in,

it's packed with people.

Why does Kimble confront Nichols?

Well, I know we all know this,

but... No, no. But, but, but...

Kimble, he found out that Nichols,

along with Devlin MacGregor and Lentz,

who has mysteriously died,

they had hired Frederick Sykes,

the one-armed man, to kill Kimble.

Kimble's wife wasn't even the

target. I know we all know this.

But they were gonna kill Kimble

because he wasn't gonna approve

certain liver samples to pass RUD-90.

So, Kimble finds out about all of

this, and, of course, he's furious.

And he bursts into the

ballroom and he goes,

"You switched the samples!"

And Dr. Nichols is like,

"Ladies and gentlemen, my

friend, Dr. Richard Kimble."

What accent did that guy have, by the way?

He goes, "You switched the samples!

And you doctored your research!

So that you could have Provasic!"

Anyway, so it's that ballroom.

So, we walk into that ballroom.

It was packed with people.

It was packed with people. A real

Who's Not of Chicago celebrities.

Walter Jacobson was there.

Walter Jacobson was the local Fox anchor.

He'd do fun things where he'd go

undercover as a homeless person.

And he'd be like, "Oh,

what time is the soup?"

And they'd be like, "Man,

you're Walter Jacobson."

He was there.

Everybody.

And on the far side of the

ballroom, under a spotlight,

we saw a little bit of silver hair.

And it was him... Bill Clinton.

The Comeback Kid.

But he was surrounded by reporters,

and photographers, and Secret Service.

So, what are you gonna do?

Well, if you're my mom, you ball

up the back of my sport coat,

and you push me forward

like a human shield.

And then you start jogging while yelling,

"This ten-year-old boy has to meet the

next president of the United States!"

Kind of implying that I might be dying.

My feet were not on the ground.

She was swinging me like a snowplow.

I was just mowing down

fat Chicago Democrats.

I pushed past all the reporters, I

pushed past all the photographers.

We pushed past all the Secret Service.

We land at Bill Clinton's feet.

Bill Clinton turns,

looks at my mom and says,

"Hey, Ellen,"

'cause he never forgets a b*tch, ever.

My mom melts. She goes, "Hi, Bill."

Then it is revealed that she has no plan.

So... she pushes me towards

Clinton and she goes,

"This is my son, John, and he's

also going to be president."

And I was like, "What the

hell are you talking about?

I'm not gonna be president."

And I know now that I'm definitely

never gonna be president.

Not unless everyone gets real cool

about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Based on my ten-year-old memory,

Bill Clinton is about 13 feet tall.

And he leaned down, because,

well, I was wearing this button

that I bought outside the fundraiser.

It was a cartoon button

of George H. W. Bush,

and it had a quail flying over his

head, and it was shitting on his head.

And it said, "Bird-brained."

And I thought it was very funny.

And Bill Clinton leaned down so

that only I could hear and he said,

"Hey, man, I like your button."

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John Mulaney

John Edmund Mulaney (born August 26, 1982) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. He is best known for his work as a writer on Saturday Night Live and as a stand-up comedian with stand-up specials The Top Part, New in Town, The Comeback Kid, and Kid Gorgeous. He was the creator and star of the short-lived Fox sitcom Mulaney, a semi-autobiographical series about his fictional life. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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