John Pinette: Still Hungry

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1

John, we got to go.

I need five more minutes.

John, come on.

I've been doing the same stuff

for 25 years, and I have a process.

It's time. Enough with the process.

We have to go.

[Knock on door]

Oh, finally.

Get out of my way.

- Pizza.

- Thank you very much. Here.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thanks.

Good man.

Ah. Good.

Get out of my way, Hoffman.

John,

why are you so nervous?

I'm not nervous.

I'm still hungry.

[Rock music plays]

ANNOUNCER:

Ladies and gentlemen,

John Pinette!

[Cheers and applause]

Hello, Chicago!

[Rock music,

cheers and applause continue]

Hi, everybody!

Have a seat!

Thank you.

Wow.

[Music stops]

Oh.

I'm I'm not under

enough pressure!

Now I better not suck!

You've been so kind.

It is a pleasure to be here.

Some of you are asking,

"I wonder how much of this show

will be about food."

[Laughter]

[Scattered cheers]

Quite a bit.

[Laughter]

If you're here for WikiLeaks jokes,

you got the wrong guy.

[Laughter]

I don't know.

You know, I've been actually

trying to lose weight,

'cause the shows on TV

have been scaring me.

They have shows

where they take big people

and they throw them in vans.

[Laughter]

And they put 'em in camps!

[Laughter]

Didn't that happen before in history?

[Laughter]

Have the Nazis come back?

We have nutrition Nazis.

[imitates German accent]

So, I see you have

a little Chicago hot dog

on your face.

Get in ze van!

[Laughter]

You are a porker!

[Normal voice]

Somebody in Chicago

sent me up a picture, undoctored,

of a Weight Watchers

next to a Cold Stone Creamery.

I love that picture

because it's everywhere I am in life.

With the ups and downs

of my dieting --

I mean, like, leaving Cold Stone

feeling guilty.

"Well, I guess it's time to go

back to Weight Watchers now."

[Laughter]

Or I'm leaving

Weight Watchers going,

"I can't take it anymore!"

[Laughter]

Weight Watchers

is a great organization,

but they won't let you

buy more points.

[Laughter]

I'm going on a cruise!

I am now part of a rogue

splinter organization

where you can buy

and sell points

in the secondary market

as needed.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

"I'm going to --

I'm going to Las Vegas.

Here is my credit card."

[Laughter]

But then you try --

you're dieting and you turn on the TV,

and there's all shows about food.

They have shows

about just one kind of food.

They have three shows on

about cake.

[Laughter]

They have a show

called "The Cake Boss."

This man is the boss of cake!

[Laughter]

You are the boss of cake?

I did not know you could

arbitrarily make yourself

the boss of a food.

I am now the boss of ham.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

[imitates southern accent]

My name is Boss Hogg.

Pleased to meet 'ya.

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

I don't think

you can just make yourself boss.

I think there has to be

a decision made.

I think the commission

has to meet.

There has to be a sit-down.

[Laughter]

[As Don Corleone]

So, what I've decided...

[Laughter]

[Laughter intensifies]

[Cheers and applause]

Don Buddy will be in charge

of cake from West Hoboken...

[Laughter]

...To West Orange.

How did it ever come to this?

My son, Santino...

...covered in frosting.

[Laughter]

I don't want his mother

to see him like this.

Look what they did to my boy.

[Laughter]

I never wanted this for you,

Michael.

I knew Santino

would have to make cake,

and Fredo, well, he's a cream puff.

[Laughter]

But I always thought you would

go into other pastries,

maybe even pastas.

Who knows?

Different types of meats and fishes.

Eh.

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

Now...

I watch cake shows once in a while.

I think if you're watching --

and this is me talking --

I think if you're watching cake

more than one or two hours a week,

you have to re-evaluate

your decisions in life.

I do think there's more to do

than watch cake.

[Laughter]

"John, what 'cha doin'?"

"I'm watching cake."

[Laughter]

"You were watching cake

the last time we came over there.

We're all gonna come over

and talk to you.

We've written you all letters,

and then you can do

whatever you want."

I had a cake intervention.

Now...

[Applause]

The thing is, is that these

shows don't change very much.

I like dynamic shows, you know?

I liked watching "Lost."

I didn't understand it, but I liked it.

I like --

I like "Family Guy,"

"Battlestar Galactica."

I have a really eclectic taste.

But "The Cake Boss" --

I haven't seen

next week's episode,

but I'm pretty sure

it's gonna be about cake.

[Laughter]

I'm gonna tell you what happens.

Somebody's gonna walk in

and need a cake.

[Laughter]

You're thinking,

"How does he know?

He's a Hollywood insider."

I figured it out!

After watching several episodes!

It's a template.

[Laughter]

And they'll come in and go,

"Buddy, it's my son's birthday.

I don't know what to do!

I need a cake!

He really likes

the movie 'Shrek.'

Can you do anything with that?"

Then they interview Buddy in a very

serious sit-down interview,

and Buddy screams at the TV.

"It was the kid's birthday!

[Laughter]

He really likes 'Shrek'!

And I'm thinking,

'I'll get him a 'Shrek' cake!

How does he think of this?

[Laughter]

It's like "CSI:
Cake."

[Laughter]

Now he tells you how

he's gonna make this "Shrek" cake.

He'll take two regular

five-layer cakes,

carve them into, like, a Shrek,

then cover it all

in a lovely, green fondant!

[Laughter]

Watch this show.

You want to play a drinking game?

Whenever he says "fondant,"

take a drink.

[Cheers and applause]

[Laughs]

15 minutes in the show,

you will have to call

an ambulance.

[Laughter]

"Oh, please,

don't say 'fondant' again."

"Our fondant was ruined!"

[Laughter]

We get it.

He can stop saying "fondant."

It's like the sheetrock of frosting.

You build with it.

[Laughter]

I understand, though,

that bakery that they have

in Hoboken is amazing.

And there's a two-hour line

to get into that bakery.

I could not stand in that line.

'Cause people walk up to me

and feel that they can say

whatever they want.

And I don't want to hear it.

Standing in a cake line.

[Laughter]

"Excuse me, sir,

are you waiting in line for cake?

You have nothing better to do?"

"You're right."

[Laughter]

With my luck, my cardiologist

would drive by

while I was waiting in line

for cake and beep the horn.

[Laughter]

"Get out of the line!"

[Cheers and applause]

I ii

"I didn't know

they sold cake here.

I thought it was a pharmacy!

[Laughter]

I was gonna get my vitamins...

...and my cholesterol medication."

And you know what?

I ain't waiting in line outside for food.

I was in Birmingham, Alabama,

and they love

the Olive Garden there.

Now, the Olive Garden --

it's good.

Their main thing is, though,

you can have

all the salad you want.

Oh, you spoil me!

[Laughter]

They do use a lot of dressing

in the salad, though.

I've had lettuce, like, floating

in dressing like a dead body.

"Oh, God, they whacked the salad!

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