John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #2

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[Laughter]

It was a hit!"

And in Birmingham, Alabama,

people are waiting outside

to get into Olive Garden.

They think they're in Italy!

They love it there!

And the nice hostess goes,

"You know what?

It's gonna be about two hours.

Is that okay?"

"For lunch at the Olive Garden?

Absolutely!

I'll be outside.

You come and get me.

Make sure you look for me."

[Laughter]

I don't get that at all.

My sisters got me a panini maker.

I don't like paninis.

[Laughter]

Well, first of all,

my sisters -- very nice.

They got it for me for my birthday.

And I tell them,

"Don't buy me anything,"

'cause I don't want anything.

I -- You know what?

I want to give.

It's better to give than to receive,

and the gifts are stupid,

and I can't pretend anymore!

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

In---

I can't look at them and go,

"Oh, a panini maker!

How did you know?

I was having trouble

making sandwiches,

and you saved me."

[Laughter]

You want to make a panini?

Get a frying pan.

[Laughter]

Put the bread on there.

Put stuff in bread.

Wait five minutes.

Turn it over.

[Laughter]

Wait five minutes.

Then punch it with your fist.

Here's your panini.

[Cheers and applause]

'Cause the paninis,

they're so squished

you don't know what's in them.

And there could be vegetables

in there!

[Laughter]

I bit into a panini,

and I tasted arugula.

[Gags]

[Laughter]

Where did arugula come from?

We had no arugula

when I was growing up.

My mother never said,

"John, I want you

to go out in the garden

and pick some arugula."

"I'll be right back, Mom."

[Laughter]

Tomatoes, cucumbers, arugula?

No!

That's a pretentious,

horrifying vegetable

people serve just so

they'll look fancy and elegant.

It's The Emperofs New Clothes

of vegetables.

People don't want to speak up.

Spit it out at the table!

"What are you serving me?"

[Laughter]

"It's arugula.

It works with the rest of the salad."

"Yes, it does.

The bitter with the dirt taste...

[Laughter]

...makes me grateful

for the rest of the salad

that I would ordinarily hate."

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I had a panini

with roasted eggplant in it.

Ugh.

[Laughter]

I know eggplant.

I think you know I know eggplant.

[Laughter]

There's two ways to make it.

Parmesan...

...that a member of the family

taught you how to make...

[Laughter]

[Gruff voice]

...or leave it alone.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Normal voice] I confront

people at the supermarket.

"I don't know. Excuse --

I've seen you have

that eggplant in your hand.

You got, like, your aunt Marie's

recipe or something?"

"No, I just -- I looked up

on the Internet,

and there was this little reci--"

"Put it down!

Get it out of your hand!"

[Laughter]

"Put it down!

Go get some arugula!

You've done enough damage!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Martha Stewart...

makes me laugh.

She gives you instructions

to make stuff.

I'm waiting for her to go,

one day...

[As Martha Stewart] "Today,

we're gonna build a pyramid...

[Laughter]

...based on the ancient pyramid

at Giza.

Okay"

[Normal voice]

She says things --

Doesn't she say, like,

start with the directions

where you go,

"Well, I ain't making this."

[Laughter]

Like, "Okay, break out

your chestnut-roasting pans."

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

"Honey!

Where's

the chestnut-roasting pan?"

[Laughter]

I'm not much of a cook.

I will admit that.

You know, I eat out, and --

it's very hard to be --

You know, you eat more calories

when you eat out.

It's a proven fact.

And --

Well, I didn't even have a toaster.

I just bought a toaster recently.

Well, I had one,

but I toasted low-carb bread,

and it exploded.

[Laughter]

Um...

So I go to buy another toaster.

I didn't want any trouble.

I went to a nice store

and talked to this nice, young lady.

I saw a toaster for 49 dollars.

I said,

"I'll take this toaster."

It was a lovely toaster,

as toasters go.

[Laughter]

And she said to me,

"Could I have your name

and address?"

"Nil.-

[Laughter]

"You can have 49 dollars.

[Laughter]

And I will take this toaster,

and that's really

all I planned on today.

[Laughter]

What do you say?"

She goes, "We really do

want you in our system."

I"

But I'm not adopting

the toaster.

[Laughter]

Is this, like,

a foster toaster program?

I didn't see any signs.

[Laughter]

Once I walk out the door

with this toaster...

[Gruff voice]

...you're never gonna see it again."

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

They want your e-mail.

They want your address.

Remember when you could buy sh*t

and walk out the door?

[Laughter]

I remember that.

[Cheers and applause]

I -- I tell my nieces

and nephews that.

They don't believe me.

"You know, you used to buy stuff

and walk out the door,

and they didn't ask

you any questions."

"Oh, Uncle John, you tell funny

stories to make people laugh."

"No!

You used to buy stuff and leave!

And that's all that happened."

[Laughter]

I tell my brothers and sisters,

"Back me up.

Tell them you used to buy stuff

and leave."

They go, "Oh, don't fill

their heads with nonsense."

[Laughter]

So I go to buy my 49-dollar toaster,

and it's easy for me to say

that I have lost

my cherub-like demeanor.

[Laughter]

She said to me,

"Would you like to buy

the warranty for the toaster?"

"No.

[Laughter]

It's 49 dollars.

I think I'm gonna

absorb the risk on this one."

[Laughter]

"If this toaster should break,

and God forbid

that day should come...

[Laughter]

...I'm gonna take

another 49 dollars out of my pocket

and buy another toaster,

'cause that's how I live!

Oh, yes, baby.

[Cheers and applause]

I'm not a gambler,

but I'm feeling lucky today."

[Cheers and applause]

I went to Bed Bath & Beyond.

Very nice store,

but I go without a coupon

just to freak them out.

They don't understand,

'cause everybody has coupons.

A lot of you have them on you.

They're this big.

They look like

Willy Wonka's golden ticket.

[Laughter]

My sisters have stacks of them.

They have a holster

for Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

[Laughter]

One time, I was with my sisters,

and they were at the other end

of the store.

And they saw me

at the cash register,

and they knew

I didn't have a coupon.

They jumped over people.

They trampled them.

You have one!

Come here!

[Cheers and applause]

I'm not lying.

[Cheers and applause continue]

[Laughing]

This lady thinks it's

"let's make a deal."

"I'll give 50 dollars

for a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon."

"I've got one, Monty!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

One time I went

to Bed Bath & Beyond,

and I didn't have a coupon.

People talked about me in line.

"He doesn't have a coupon."

"Is he all right?"

"You don't think he's dangerous,

do you?"

One lady felt sorry for me.

"You don't have a coupon?

Do you know how to get home?

[Laughter]

Is your name in your jacket?"

[Laughter]

"I have money.

Money is the original coupon.

It says, 'In God we Trust.'

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