John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #3

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Don't you trust God?"

I must say one thing

about Bed Bath & Beyond --

and I do shop there --

they are not fussy about the coupon.

They're not looking

for expiration dates.

It could be from Linens 'N Things,

and they've closed.

You could write "coupon"

on the back of a snickers wrapper,

and they will swipe it.

I can write "coupon"

on my ass and sli-i-de.

[Cheers and applause]

That is a double coupon.

I go to Bed Bath & Beyond

without a coupon,

and the cashier

gives me a coupon.

And this is how it went.

Now, life is precious,

and we've got to make

the most of it,

and I don't have time

for useless, ridiculous things.

And she said,

"You don't have a coupon?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Well, here's one."

[Laughter]

"Thank you.

Here."

[Laughter]

[Applause]

Doesn't make any sense.

It's silly, isn't it?

Wait till I tell you what happened

when I bought the TV.

I needed a TV.

And buying a TV is always

such a joyous thing for me,

because when I was a kid,

we had five channels on our TV.

Two of them didn't work.

Yeah, you know people that say --

these people piss me off.

Don't ever say it in front of me.

And I have a cherub-like demeanor,

but this makes my eye twitch.

"We were poor

when we were kids,

and, you know, we didn't know it."

Heh.

Really?

'Cause I was poor,

and I was certain of it.

And it really bothered me.

[Laughter]

After the fourth night

of frank and beans,

I would say, "Hey!

We're poor!

[Laughter]

And when I get older,

I'm talking."

[Laughter]

So, to be able to go in

and buy a nice TV, just --

You know, I count so many things

as blessings

and just another wonderful thing

in my life,

and I had a great attitude.

Then I started talking

to the salespeople.

And they said, "Okay,

if you're going to buy this TV,

you need a surge protector."

Okay. I don't know what a surge is.

[Laughter]

But I call my brother-in-law.

"They said I need a surge protector.

What do I do?"

He said, "Buy a surge protector.

You need one.

They're about 200 dollars.

If you have

high-end electronic equipment,

it might save

your equipment one day

if there is a surge."

I hadn't asked the neighbors

about surges...

[Laughter]

...but I bought it.

There was one for 200 dollars.

They go, "No, no, no, no, no.

[Laughter]

You don't want this one.

I don't even know why it's out here."

Huh.

[Laughter]

Then they brought me over

to the 500-dollar one I didn't see.

"You want the 500-dollar

surge protector."

I said, "Pray tell.

What does

a 500-dollar surge protector do?"

Apparently, there can be a lightning

bolt from Mount Olympus

that hits my condo,

and I'll still be able to watch

"The Cake Boss."

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

They said, "This surge protector

is so good,

your condo could blow up,

and the TV will still be on."

[Laughter]

If the condo blows up,

I don't give a sh*t about the TV!

I have other things on my mind,

like funeral arrangements!

[Laughter]

So I bought the 200-dollar one.

Now they don't like me.

I bought a 2,000-dollar TV

because I'm not home very much

and I want a nice TV.

And they said, "Okay,

you bought the 2,000-dollar TV.

What about sound?"

[Laughter]

I said,

"I would like it to have sound!

[Laughter]

Could I have sound please?"

[Laughter]

They show me one of those

2,000-dollar sound systems.

And it's very good.

My house sounds like

a movie theater.

But it's driving me insane!

Every time the phone rings

on the TV,

I get up to answer the phone.

Do you know how many times

phones ring?

Up and down 80 times

in three hours!

"Hold on."

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

This is not watching TV.

This is Pilates.

Rip it out!

Rip it out!

[Laughter]

Then they said...

Then they said, "Okay.

Would you like to buy

the extended warranty?"

[Growls]

[Laughter]

And they try to scare you.

They go, "You know...

[Laughter]

...you really should get

the extended warranty.

It's only manufacturer's

limited warranty,

and it's just for six months,

and if that expires --

Ah, geez,

we got to bring our guys in,

and we have to bring

our guys in for at least a week.

Sometimes we have

between two and four guys.

We might have to send

the TV to Japan.

Could cost 80,000 dollars.

You could lose your home!"

[Laughter]

"If the TV costs 80,000 dollars to fix,

I would throw it away...

[Laughter]

...and save 78,000 dollars."

[Gruff voice]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Applause]

[Normal voice] Oh, I told you

they didn't like me.

And then the guy said,

"I just really think --

I mean, it's just --

This is just kind of --

Like everyone does.

It's just -- sign here."

I said, "No!

What do I need

an extended warranty for?"

He said,

"Well, in case the TV breaks."

"if the TV's gonna break,

I'm not buying it."

His eyes went dead.

Nobody had ever said

that to him before.

Nobody ever questions them.

We just sign on the dotted line,

and it's wrong,

and I was gonna stick up

for all of us!

[Cheers and applause]

I said, "The TV's gonna break,

I'm not buying it."

He said, "Sir, this is one

of the best TVs in the store."

"Then what do I need

an extended warranty for?"

[Laughter]

"In case the TV breaks."

"if the TV's gonna break,

I'm not buying it!"

"It's not gonna break,

you son-of-a-b*tch!"

[Laughter]

"Hold your voice down!

Why do I need

an extended warranty?"

"In case the TV breaks!

Just buy a warranty!

You got the money.

I saw you on 'Last Comic Standing!"

"That wasn't me!

That was Ralphie May!

You --

[Cheers and applause]

You can't even keep

your big guys right!"

Now, what do I need

an extended warranty for?"

He just said,

"Shut up and sign!"

I said, "Get your ass outside."

We went outside and we fought.

[Laughter]

It didn't take very long.

It was a tie.

My mixed martial-arts days

are over.

We felt very silly.

I took a step back.

I said a little prayer to myself.

"I'm a better person than this.

Why am I so mad?"

And I looked at him and I said,

"What do I need

an extended warranty for?"

[Laughter]

"In case the TV breaks!"

"if it's gonna break,

I'm not buying it!"

"It's not gonna break.

I swear to God, sir!

I've been here seven years.

[Voice breaking]

Not one has broken."

"Then what do I need

an extended warranty for?"

"In case the TV breaks!

Are you fat and stupid?"

That's when

I beat the hell out of him!

[Cheers and applause]

Now I drag him back in the store...

[Laughter]

...and I flip him over.

I step on his chest.

I said, "What do I need

an extended warranty for?"

He said...

[Breathlessly]

"In case the TV breaks."

[Normal voice]

"Let me give you some air.

I want you to know,

although you may not live

through the day,

I admire your tenacity.

What do I need

an extended warranty for?"

"We get a 100-dollar bonus

if you buy it."

"Well, then, I'll take it.

Let me help you up."

[Cheers and applause]

I wish we had more lights.

[Laughter]

We could just put one in my ass

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