John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #4

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and put me on a front lawn

in a Santa suit.

[Laughter]

Next special,

we need 50 more lights, or I'm walkin'.

[Laughter]

The first show went very well,

and my producers and director

were like, "We got it.

You can play around

a little bit, you know?

Say some different things."

"You'll be sorry!

[Laughter]

I might Riverdance!"

"Oh, no.

We didn't clear Riverdance."

"Well, f*** you!"

[Cheers and applause]

Uh...

You know, I don't like

to be scripted as a stand-up.

I have certain bits,

but I like to kind of make it casual.

All right.

I'll get back

to the special now.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

I went to a health

and fitness place...

[Laughing]

[Laughter and applause]

L-- no.

Last summer, I went

to a health and fitness place.

Yes.

And I had a stress test

and blood work.

And I go to this doctor there --

wonderful lady --

but my stress test

and my blood work are good,

and she's shocked.

[Laughter]

I mean, at least be a little happy.

Don't look, like, horrified,

that I don't have anything bad.

This is how she told me.

She...

[Laughter]

I guess she bet the over.

I don't know.

[Laughter]

"Is this you?

[Laughter]

These are good.

Your blood pressure

is 112 over 70.

We'll have that checked.

[Laughter]

It must be Celsius.

ls there Celsius on that?"

"No, there is not!"

[Laughter]

Can we have a little joy

and gratitude?

Being healthy.

The doctor

at this health and fitness place

told me one thing.

She looked at me very seriously,

and, you know,

I'm not getting any younger,

and I...

...and I was nervous for a minute,

and she said,

"Did you know

that you're allergic to wheat?"

[Laughter]

And I looked at her and said,

"But I'm a wheat farmer!"

[Laughter]

"I'm so sorry."

I'm allergic to wheat,

and I thought, "Oh, well.

I can't harvest wheat anymore."

[Laughter]

I'm hanging up my sickle.

'Cause don't friends call you

in the fall and go,

"We're harvesting this weekend.

You never miss?"

"I can't. I'm allergic!"

[Laughter]

Then I thought, "Wait a second.

You make flour out of wheat.

Perhaps I should inquire further."

[Laughter]

I said, "What does this whole wheat

thing mean to me, pray tell?"

She said, "Well, do you eat

a lot of gluten?"

[Laughter]

"I don't know what gluten is...

[Laughter]

...but I would say yes.

[Laughter]

I'm fairly certain

I'm mostly gluten."

[Laughter]

And she said, "Well, you should

avoid anything with gluten in it."

[Laughter]

I said, "Okay, thank you,"

and started to leave the room,

and I said,

"What has gluten in it?"

You know what has gluten in it?

Everything!

[Laughter]

Every reason

to wake up in the morning!

[Laughter and applause]

I'm looking at this thing

of things to avoid,

and I said, "Check again.

Maybe it's just cancer!

How am I gonna live?"

[Cheers and applause]

She...

She told me

to go try gluten-free products.

Now, I went

to a health-food store,

which was

a new experience for me.

And now I like shopping

at health-food stores.

And if you want to know

where the gluten-free stuff is,

look for a gentleman

with a gun in his mouth.

[Laughter]

'Cause bullets are gluten-free.

[Laughter and applause]

Have you tried gluten-free food?

It needs gluten.

[Laughter]

I don't know what gluten is,

but apparently, it's delicious!

[Laughter]

And you need to put

that back in there!

[Laughter]

I tried the gluten-free pasta,

and at this point, I'm thinking,

"I hope they make

a gluten substitute,

like a 'Sweet 'N Gluten'

or 'l Can't Believe It's Not Gluten."'

Now, I think we have people

here that know pasta.

Pasta, you boil --

[Cheers and applause]

You are my people.

Pasta, you boil --

boiling water,

10 minutes or less,

little olive oil, little salt.

Gluten-free pasta --

90 minutes!

[Laughter]

Enjoy.

Abbondanza!

[Laughter]

[Laughter intensifies]

[Cheers and applause]

And I tried the gluten-free bread,

and it made me long

for low-carb bread.

[Laughter]

I tried to toast it.

It broke the toaster.

[Laughter]

Should have bought the warranty.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

And it caused a surge!

[Laughter]

So, I shop now at these

health-food stores on the road,

and there's some healthy things

that I like.

Some people there

have boundary issues.

They walk up to me,

and one lady said to me,

"Do you like your beef

cruelty-free?"

"Oh, yeah.

[Laughter]

I would have it no other way.

Take that cow to Disney World...

[Laughter]

...put him on the rides,

get him Mickey ears,

a couple of pictures,

then whack him

on the way to the airport."

[Cheers and applause]

Didn't you like taking

your picture with Mickey?

Put it right in your hoof,

the picture -- you like the picture.

All right,

don't turn around, now.

[Laughter]

Vegetarians,

I completely understand.

You have health issues with it.

You have ethical issues.

Completely understand.

Some -- A vegetarian said to me,

"But I'm a vegan."

"Oh, what is that? What is that?"

[Laughter]

"Well, we don't eat meat

or dairy."

[Laughter]

"What do you do?"

I'll tell you what you do.

They lose their minds!

[Laughter]

Vegans go to the store,

and they buy 50-pound bags

of almonds,

and they make it into stuff

they wish they could eat.

They don't have a stove.

They have a Play-Doh Fun Factory.

[Laughter]

"What 'cha makin' there?"

"It's a pork roast."

"No, it's not!

It's almonds mushed together!

Have a cheeseburger!

You're losing your mind!"

[Laughter]

I went to a health-food store,

and it is not lost on me

that people on a limited income

cannot eat healthy,

and I hope we work

to change that in the future.

I've been --

Well, listen.

It's true.

[Cheers and applause]

I try to eat berries a lot,

'cause I really like them,

and they are part

of the superfood group.

I picked up berries

that were 15 dollars.

And I went, "Wow!

I want to taste

what a 15-dollar strawberry is.

These better be great strawberries.

I better not see any marks

or anything.

They better be ripe.

There should be Belgian

diamond merchants in the back

looking at these strawberries."

[Laughter]

[imitates Dutch accent]

"What do you think

of the strawberries, Artie?"

"This is a good strawberry.

[Laughter]

I'm not saying

it's a 15-dollar strawberry...

[Laughter]

...but it's a good strawberry."

[Normal voice]

A lady in the vitamin section,

a beautiful lady,

walks up to me and said,

"Do you clean your colon?"

[Laughter]

And I'm thinking,

"She's hitting on me."

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause,

wolf whistles]

Whafd you have in mind, baby?

[Laughter]

I said, "No, I have

a colon-cleaning lady.

She comes in twice a week.

She's been with us for years.

She's like family.

We can't let Doris go."

[Laughter]

Someone asked me if I tried yoga

while living in L.A.

"Have you tried yoga?

You know, they have gentle yoga."

I tried gentle yoga.

You walk in and they go, "Take

your head and stick it in your ass."

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