John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #5

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[Laughter]

"I don't want to put my head

in my ass.

It's dark and scary in there.

And there's so much gluten in there.

What if I have an allergic reaction,

and it gets stuck?"

Try to find your EpiPen

with your head in your ass!

[Laughter]

They "

They go, "if you can't put

your head between your legs,

just do what you can."

Well, I took a nap,

'cause they gave me a mat.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I try to do this on the road,

though, these healthy things.

I was in Des Moines, Iowa.

I'm usually in places

between two and six days.

I'm in Des Moines, Iowa --

nice people,

I enjoyed the performances,

but there's not a lot to do

during the day.

I always make the most of it

on the road.

But the third day,

the owner of the club

says to me matter-of-factly,

"You know, there's

a rib festival in town.

About 1,000 rib booths

at the fairground.

Would you be interested

in something like that?"

[Laughter]

"Get in the car!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

So, we go

to the Iowa State Fairground,

and it's filled with ribs.

[Laughter]

Now...

I had my monogrammed rib bib

that I carry with me on the road.

[Laughter]

Well, thank God I packed it.

You should see me

in my monogrammed rib bib.

I'm adorable.

[Laughter]

I look like a Bob's Big Boy

come to life.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I have my bottle

of cholesterol medication

for the dry rub...

[Laughter]

...and I'm haPPV-

There was a long line,

but I didn't think that,

you know, my brain would starve,

because alls you could get were

a half a rack of ribs or a whole rack.

It's going to move.

No!

People watch "The Rib Boss"

or a rib show,

now everybody's an expert.

They're asking questions

to the rib guy.

"What kind of wood do you use

in your smoker?"

[Gruff voice]

"Get out of the line."

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice] "Is this

a vinegar-based barbecue sauce?"

[Gruff voice]

"Get out of the line!"

[Laughter and applause]

[Normal voice] "ls there

cayenne pepper in this dry rub?"

[Growls]

[Laughter]

[Gruff voice]

"Get out of the line!"

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] Then I was

almost gonna get ribs.

I had a couple in front of me,

and then it was me.

I was home free.

I was gonna get my ribs

and have fun and be at a festival,

but the couple in front of me,

they were chatty.

They wanted friends

more than they wanted ribs.

They were very nice.

I couldn't yell.

You know,

I had to internalize it.

[Gruff voice]

"Get out of the line.

Get out of the line.

Get out of the line."

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] See,

they were talking about the fact

that they were from Nebraska

and they had driven there

in their brand-new Winnebago.

Well, it's not brand new --

9,000 miles,

but it might as well

be brand new.

They bought it from the neighbor

across the street.

His wife had a stroke,

and they couldn't travel

as much as they had wanted to.

Now, Evelyn and George had lived

with them for over 23 years.

Their kids grew up together.

They went

to the same grammar school.

"We both sent them

to Catholic school.

Not that the schools

in the area aren't wonderful, they are.

And then they went on

to the Catholic high school.

They have a very good

football team,

and our sons played together.

Now, when Mary had the stroke,

we're at the hospital every day,

and I think they would have done

the same thing."

"Get out of the line!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I don't remember

what happened after that.

[Laughter]

I guess I got ribs.

[Laughter]

I woke up in the woods.

There were bones everywhere.

[Laughter]

I hope I didn't stalk

and kill a deer.

That would be awful.

[Laughter]

Last year,

I went on a tour of Canada,

and it was amazing.

Uh, I love Canada.

I will work there forever.

It is a lot of traveling,

and it is becoming harder

and harder to fly now.

First of all, the restrictions

are draconian at this point.

They won't even check you in.

"I'm going to Las Vegas."

They just stare.

They punch in the computer,

and then they say,

"Go check in over there.

There's a machine.

Check yourself in."

[Laughter]

"I'm going to Las Vegas."

[Laughter]

"Yeah, well, check in over there.

We don't check people in.

You check yourself in.

Do you have

your confirmation number?

Do you have

your confirmation number?"

[Laughter]

"I gave you money...

[Laughter]

...and you said

you would fly me to Las Vegas.

[Laughter]

We had a deal."

[Laughter]

"Oh, you have to --

"Sir, it will fell you

how to check yourself in."

"Okay, but l- | -l don--

I don't work here.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

Do I have to de-ice the plane, too?

How much help do you need?

Let me load the luggage for you!"

[Laughter]

I had a bag that was a pound over.

It was 51 pounds.

I thought they were gonna call

the police.

"Take a pound out of the bag!

Take a pound out of the bag!"

[Laughter]

"A pound? What do you want?

To cut a pair of underwear in half!"

[Laughter]

Here's a sock!

Leave me alone!"

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Now they give you

the full-body scan some places.

[Laughter]

And I don't need that.

I believe you can do it

psychologically.

I believe if someone

has something in their ass,

you can just ask them...

[Laughter]

...and they won't be able to lie.

You'll know if they're lying

'cause you ask them

out of the blue.

"So, going to Las Vegas today.

I love Vegas.

God, where did I stay

the last time?

What shows did we see?

Is there something in your ass?"

[Laughter]

"A sock.

[Laughter]

They wouldn't let me pack it."

[Cheers and applause]

So, last year,

I flew all over Canada, and --

Actually, we drove a lot of it,

too, which I enjoyed.

We drove to Prince Edward Island.

If you want to know

where Prince Edward Island is,

it's at the end.

[Laughter]

Drive until you're done...

[Laughter]

...and you'll see a bridge.

Go over the bridge,

and you're right there.

And we had 1,000 people

on Sunday and Monday,

and it was so touching.

I'm thinking,

"This is, like, everybody."

[Laughter]

And they couldn't have been

nicer people.

It's not a big town.

There's like 12 stores

on the main drag.

It's a beautiful place to go

if you want to get away,

and quiet --

it's a beach community.

And there were 10

Anne of Green Gables gm shops.

[Laughter]

Anne of Green Gables

is the early 1900s.

It's a book

young ladies would read.

I guess it's a nice thing.

You read it growing up.

But 10 Anne of Green Gables

gift shops?

And half of them

are Anne of Green Gables gift shops

and half of them

are candy stores,

you know,

because you can't make money

just off of Anne of Green Gables.

The franchise isn't

as big as it used to be.

[Laughter]

So they have these older ladies

dressed from the early 1900s

in jumpers

like 12-year-old girls,

and they're all walking

towards you with candy samples,

and it gets creepy.

It's kind of like

the "Thriller" video, you know?

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