John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #6

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[Humming]

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

But I highly recommend it as a place

to go and meet nice people.

I was in Ottawa

and they asked me

if I ice-skated.

I said, "Oh, yes.

I am a skater.

I competed in my younger days.

I was short and sassy

before Dorothy Hamill."

[Laughter]

People skate there.

They skate all day.

They skate so long they have

snack stands on the ice.

And on these snack stands,

they sell these things

called beaver tails.

And they're giant fried dough,

and they cover it

in hot fudge and M&M's.

[Gruff voice]

And I wanted one.

[Laughter]

[Normal voice ] And...

...they make you skate to it!

[Laughter]

And I'm standing

at the edge of the ice

like the kid from "Up."

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I waited three days.

They said,

"No, you have to skate. It's tradition."

I waited three days.

Three days.

And I couldn't take it anymore.

So I put skates on...

and they pushed me...

and I skated.

It was...

[Laughter]

And I didn't do one block around

or once around.

I went right

to the fried-dough stand.

[Laughter]

I didn't want to mess around.

And I was gonna make it

to the fried dough.

There was a family in the way.

[Laughter]

A mom and dad

and two little kids.

[Laughter]

They shouldn't have been

in the way of the fried dough.

[Laughter]

They turned around

and they saw me.

[Laughter]

You know what I saw in their eyes?

I saw hope.

[Laughter]

You know, like,

"Oh, he'll stop."

[Laughter]

I couldn't and I didn't.

And they went down

like a set of bowling pins.

[Laughter]

But I bought them all

fried dough

while the paramedics

looked them over.

[Laughter]

So, it worked out pretty good.

[Laughter]

Ice-skating is now on my list

of things in life

I never care if I do again.

[Laughter]

It's like an anti-bucket list.

It rhymes with "bucket,"

I can tell you that much.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Hiking.

[Laughter]

If I'm not ice-skating,

I'm hiking.

What do I think of hiking?

[Gruff voice]

I hate it! I hate it!

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

You hike down a mountain.

You hike down a ravine.

Horrible stories start with,

"Well, we were hiking..."

[Laughter]

"And you ended up in North Korea,

didn't you?

Why were you hiking?"

'Cause people do this in L.A.

all the time.

"Oh, we're sick of the city.

We're hiking."

"Do you know how to hike?"

"Well, no, but we have new boots."

[Laughter]

I'm tired of anybody

that gets new boots and a compass

thinking they're a hiker.

Happens every year, doesn't it?

Two people go out,

new boots, compass...

[Laughter]

...and they get lost!

Then they have to send

100 people out to find them.

Then 10 of those poor bastards

get lost.

They've got to send 1,000

poor bastards out to get them!

Pretty soon, 10,000 people

are looking for two a**holes

with new boots...

...and a compass!

[Cheers and applause]

Right now, my director's going,

"Okay, well, we can beep that.

That's okay."

[Laughter]

Even the food that's for hiking.

Oh! They have those power --

it's not --

like protein bars.

Protein bars?

They're not good.

[Laughter]

And I'm chewing on them,

and my brain is going,

"Why are you eating this?"

[Laughter]

They have to make it honest.

They have to call it, like,

an "Eat This Or Die" bar.

[Laughter]

I went hiking once.

I would have killed

for a roasted-eggplant panini.

[Laughter]

I would have.

[Applause]

And they...

Oh, I got one of my crazy friends,

a health nut!

She goes,

"I made my own trail mix."

Trail mix.

It has "trail" in the name.

It tastes like trail!

I had this.

I was sure I bit into a twig.

I'll tell you what they do.

They put M&M's in there to fool you.

So, you're about to spit it out.

You go, "Oh, twig!

[Spits]

Oh, no, M&M.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

No, twig!

No, M&M.

No, that's a twig!

M&M. "

[Laughter]

I make my own trail mix now.

It's a one-pound bag of M&M's.

[Cheers and applause]

And everybody wants to try mine!

I went on a little vacation

to Saint Martin.

It's a beautiful island.

It's half French, half Dutch.

Magnificent beaches.

A running theme in my life is

the airlines losing my luggage.

Well, they managed to do it

once again.

Now, there aren't a lot of

Big & Talls in Saint Martin.

[Laughter]

So I bought an extra-large shirt

at the gift shop.

That worked out okay.

It went up to about here.

[Laughter]

And it was so hot.

I had jeans on,

and I couldn't take it anymore

after the second day.

I cut my jeans off...

...and I cut them too short.

[Laughter]

Sorry you have to be in

the front row for this, friends.

[Laughter]

Now I look like a hooker.

And I'm not talking about

a high-end escort.

I mean a ho!

[Laughter]

Like an HBO documentary.

"He walks the streets

of Saint Martin."

[Laughter]

There was a group

of Japanese tourists

that saw me.

I always fascinate

Japanese tourists.

They saw me.

They get out the cameras

right away.

[imitates Japanese accent]

"Looky, looky, looky, look!

[Laughter]

How come you dressed

like a hooker?

[Laughter]

Do you know

you can see your 'berry'?

[Laughter]

You can see his 'berry.'

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Here's 20 dollars.

[Laughter]

Let me rub your 'berry.'

[Laughter]

[Laughter intensifies]

Thank you.

I rub his 'berry'!"

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice]

Now...

They had this fun,

little water thing

I had long put

on my nay-nay list --

you know, water-skiing

and parasailing.

But they had this thing

called a banana boat.

It's a giant inflatable banana.

It's fun, but it's unstable,

like most of the people

in my life.

[Laughter]

And it's pulled by a motorboat.

Now, they had two bananas

going out at once.

Very popular ride.

So, I look like a hooker.

No use being on land.

[Laughter]

Now I go on the giant banana.

Now, I'm on a French beach,

and they're going crazy.

They think it's kind of

a Cirque du Soleil thing.

[Laughter]

And I don't blame them.

It's a big guy

dressed like a hooker

on the giant banana.

Mesdames et masseurs,

Cirque du Soleil!

[Cheers and applause]

I get on the banana.

[Laughter]

And I was having fun,

but the boat...

[Laughter]

The boat took a hard left...

[Laughter]

...and I flew off the banana...

into the other banana.

[Laughter]

And I look over...

...and it's that poor family

from Ottawa.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

And now they're mad.

[Laughter]

"They don't even have

fried dough here!

Why are you being so mean?"

[Laughter]

Two summers ago,

I had the pleasure of performing

at the Edinburgh Festival

in Scotland.

And I thought, "What a huge blessing

this is to work in Scotland."

I started stand-up 25 years ago

in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cheers and applause]

It has been a wonderful journey,

it really has.

And I thought, "Scotland --

just another blessing that

this occupation has given me."

But everything great in my life

has a catch to it.

My manager has been my manager

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