John Pinette: Still Hungry Page #7

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for 20 years.

He's my best friend.

He's one of the smartest people

I know.

But not this time.

[Laughter]

He forgot to read the contract.

I'm gonna work 26

out of 27 nights in Scotland.

[Gruff voice]

That's too many for me.

[Normal voice]

Remember,

I'm used to being in places

between two and six days.

After the third week in Scotland,

my brain is screaming at me.

"Why did you move to Scotland?"

[Laughter]

26 out of 27 nights...

And it rained every day.

It was the worst rain

since the time of William Wallace,

known as "Braveheart."

[imitates Scottish Accent]

"Every man dies...

but not every man

has an umbrella."

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

the Scottish dialect --

I think I have a pretty good ear

for dialects --

it's very thick

when they've been drinking,

which is quite a bit.

[Laughter]

"Where do you want to go now?"

[Babbles with Scottish accent]

"You got it, pal."

[Laughter]

But every day --

Think about it.

Every day for a month,

I would wake up,

it would be raining,

and I would be in Scotland.

It's like the movie

"Groundhog Day."

I'm calling up old girlfriends,

apologizing.

"Take the curse off of me!"

[Laughter]

Now, that being said,

if you're going just

for the Edinburgh Festival, go.

Just don't go 26

out of 27 nights!

They rented me an apartment,

and the apartment

had a futon bed.

[Laughter]

You know what a futon bed is?

It's a little more comfortable

than a yoga mat.

[Laughter]

That's all it is.

There ain't much to it.

[Laughter]

Some of you have futon beds.

And I actually like futon beds

'cause they're honest.

They have "F.U."

right in the name.

[Laughter]

So...

if somebody calls --

Don't people call you and go,

"We're coming to visit!

It's gonna be

'Taste of Chicago'!

We're gonna come to visit!"

[Grunts]

"Sure.

You can sleep on the futon!"

You know if you have a futon

for your guests,

they won't be staying long.

[Laughter]

After the third day,

I had sciatica.

I was crippled.

[Laughter]

And they made you walk.

They didn't pick you up.

It wasn't in the contract.

[Grunts]

And I said, "Well, where

is the venue?" They said...

[imitates Scottish accent]

"Well, you can nae see it from here.

[Laughter]

And you can nae walk

it from here."

[Normal voice]

It wasn't a walk.

It was more of a hike,

and you know

how much I love those.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

"Uh...

In---

Huh!

[As Quasimodo]

Don't look at me.

I used to be a comedian.

[Laughter]

Uh.

Master says

I must tell the jokes."

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

I walked into a sandwich shop,

and it's not like

our sandwich shops here.

They're cheap with the toppings.

You know how, like, they load stuff up

in a sub shop here?

No!

"Can I have tomato?

I'll pay extra."

[Laughter]

They think, "Oh, he's a big guy.

He can't jump over the counter."

Well, they're wrong.

[Laughter]

I'll be over that counter

before they can look up.

[Screams]

"Here I am!

Put tomato on there!"

[Laughter]

Black olives on a sandwich.

How much are black olives?

You have to pretend to sprinkle

them like fairy dust.

[Laughter]

[imitates British accent]

"Open your hand, Harry Potter."

[Laughter]

[Normal voice]

They gave me a fried snickers bar.

"Oh, how was that?"

"Oh, it was peaceful,

and I walked towards the bright light."

[Laughter]

After the third day

of eating in pubs,

I was going, "Can I just get

an arugula salad?"

[Laughter]

[Applause]

There was a Chinese buffet

in Scotland.

Now...

[Cheers and applause]

Listen!

[Cheers and applause continue]

I -- I don't go to buffets

much anymore,

for health reasons

and restraining orders.

[Laughter]

But...

I feel I was singled out

a number of times,

but I'm not gonna fight it.

I know when I'm wrong.

And I started comedy

in Massachusetts,

and I put a few guys

out of business.

Well, me and a few friends.

What if one Chinese buffet owner

from where I started comedy

moved to Edinburgh...

[Laughter]

...with a lot of bad memories,

and he rebuilt his life

and his business.

And then I walk into his buffet

20 years later.

[Laughter]

[imitates Chinese accent]

"Father!

The Forbidden One has returned!"

[Cheers and applause]

"You think we forget about you,

son-of-a-b*tch?

[Laughter]

We still have your picture.

[Laughter]

You go now again."

[Laughter]

I had to squeeze that in.

[Cheers and applause]

See, I grew up in a predominantly

Irish and Italian community,

and my father was a bartender

at the Irish American.

And that's where I first learned

to like dialects.

[imitates Irish accent]

'Cause he had friends from Ireland,

and I'd get to listen to them

and they'd tell me all wonderful stories

about growing up in Ireland.

It was quite fascinating.

[Normal voice]

But you know what?

Honesty is

part of their culture.

And they said...

[imitates Irish accent]

"You're a good boy,

but you're a fat little kid!

[Laughter]

I don't want to frighten you,

but if you're too fat,

the angels won't be able

to carry you to heaven."

[Laughter]

[Chuckles]

[Normal voice ] Actually,

my dad's friends from Ireland

gave me the best diet advice

I ever had.

[imitates Irish accent]

"I'm gonna give you a diet.

It's gonna work for you

your whole life."

[Normal voice]

And it is, you know?

'Cause I've been up

and I've been down,

and I feel pretty good now.

He said -- this is the only

thing that's ever worked.

Write it down!

[imitates Irish accent]

"It's a good diet.

Stop your eatin'!

[Laughter]

If you see it and it looks

all sweet and tasty,

well, then, keep walkin'

'cause you're a fat little boy!"

[Laughter]

[Normal voice] That would make

a good Nutrisystem commercial.

[imitates Irish accent]

"I'm Tommy Sullivan for Nutrisystem.

Send in $49.95!

We'll send you a big box of nothin'!

[Laughter]

[Applause]

Now go out and take a walk!"

[Cheers and applause]

[Normal voice] The national dish

of Scotland is called "haggis."

I don't like to eat anything

that rhymes with "gag us."

[Laughter]

Haggis is sheep intestines

with oats and spices.

Mmm.

[Laughter]

They ask you every day --

One of the many things I loved

about Scottish people

was that they're fiercely proud

and patriotic,

and they ask you every day,

[imitates Scottish accent]

"Have you had haggis yet?

Oh, haggis is beautiful!

Go get yourself

a proper haggis."

[Normal voice] I waited.

I waited for three weeks.

I waited till my manager came --

the gentleman that booked

me 26 out of 27 nights.

I said, "Where should we eat?"

I said, "We're having haggis.

Sit down!"

[Laughter]

Now, Haggis comes

with a whiskey gravy. That helped.

It didn't have whiskey in it like...

[Smacks lips]

"Is there whiskey in here?"

It had whiskey in it like,

"Did I call you last night?

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I -- I am not drunk!

I am having haggis!

[Laughter]

I'm in Scotland!

Pick me up!

[Laughter]

I love you, man!"

I love you.

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