Jury Duty

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1

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

MAN:
Execute.

MAN:
Go! Go! go!

I got the back!

Moving in!

Make sure he's there!

(GUNS COCKING)

Freeze!

(SCREAMING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

FEMALE EMCEE:

Yeah, my favorite stripper.

Gorgeous Goliath!

I want you

You gotta get ready

Feel something hot?

Give him a hand!

Gotta get ready

EMCEE:
Goliath!

(WOMEN CHEERING)

Now, remember, ladies,

at least five

of these

gorgeous, gorgeous hunks

you are seeing here tonight

are gonna be exclusive

International House

of Beefcakes dancers!

And now, our next

steaming slab of man.

(POP GOES THE WEASEL

PLAYING)

WOMAN:

Take it off, baby.

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

EMCEE:

The Cream Machine!

(PLAY WITH ME PLAYING)

Ring around the rosie

Hopscotch, Monopoly

Red light, green light

G. I. Joes and Barbies

EMCEE:
The mighty,

mighty Cream Machine.

Paper dolls,

Hacky sack and Hangman

Do you wanna play

It's stupid.

Tag, you're it,

Cops and robbers

Jungle gym,

Chutes and ladders,

Tic tac toe, Mister Rogers

Yahoo!

Yeah!

Electric company,

Olly olly oxen free

Do you wanna play

With me

Okay, wait one second.

Come on.

EMCEE:

He's creamy.

Do you wanna

Yuck.

Play

Whoo!

Play with me,

play with me

Do you wanna

Aah!

Play

EMCEE:

The mighty

Cream Machine.

Spin the bottle,

Post office, Kiss and tell

Slippery when wet.

Cooties, Little league

(SPLOTCHING)

WOMAN:
Ugh!

With cheese!

Dairy products like

you've never seen

them before.

Come here, come here!

(SHOUTING)

Matchbox, Cheerios

ABC's, Spelling bees,

Sesame street,

Hockey duck duck

Do you wanna play

With me

With me

Hey.

Hi.

Let's go back

to my place and curdle.

Eww!

Ugh! Go!

Okay, boys,

the votes are in.

Read it and weep.

I made it, I made it.

Congrats.

We're gonna be dancers.

TOMMY:

Let me through.

THOR:

I'm gonna call Mother.

"Adonis, Thor, Sgt. O'Tool,

Goliath, Zeus, the Cream..."

Huh?

Excuse me.

I don't understand

what happened.

I mean,

I was good, right?

Kid, you were too good.

But I got personality!

Personality?

Unfortunately, uh,

that's not what

the people are paying for.

A kid like you,

you're special.

You could do anything.

What about fast foods?

It's too greasy.

Post office?

Too dangerous.

You ever fill in potholes?

Too labor-intensive.

What about giving sperm?

Also too labor-intensive.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, thanks for trying

to hook me up here

at the International

Beefcake House,

Uncle Sal.

Hey, what's family for, huh?

Get over here.

Huh? Who loves you more

than your Uncle Sal?

All right, goodbye.

Personality!

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, well, Peanut,

some things just

aren't meant to be.

What else is there?

(SIGHING)

(WHIMPERING)

"We pay big bucks

for your dog.

"Animal Lab

Testing Corporation."

(BARKS)

Don't worry, Peanut,

I wouldn't do that

to you again.

(BARKING)

(SWEET SOUL REVUE

PLAYING IN JAPANESE)

NEWSCASTER ON TV:

Right behind me,

Carl Wayne Bishop,

the accused Drive-Thru Killer,

sits alone

in his 6 by 8 solitary cell.

Coincidentally, the cell

is roughly the size of

his old workspace.

But there are no burgers,

no fries, no frosty shakes.

Just an accused serial killer

and his conscience,

awaiting trial by jury.

12 brave citizens

riding shotgun for...

Wakey, wakey.

Eggs and bacey.

Rise and shine, puddin'.

Wake up, Tommy.

Mom, it's not noon yet.

Oh, I brewed you

some fresh coffee.

Uh.

But, Mom,

that'll keep me up all day.

Puddin', tell me,

what happened

with your job interview?

I must have been fast asleep

when you came in.

What job interview?

The one at the dairy.

Well, Mom,

it didn't really happen.

I didn't get the job.

Ah.

That's all right, puddin'.

It's okay.

It's dangerous

being a milkman.

I saw a whole program on it

on cable television.

I'll find something, Ma.

You just don't worry.

Oh, look no further,

Mr. District Attorney.

What's this?

A jury duty notice?

My son, the lawyer.

Ma, it pays

$5 a day, okay?

Look, look at me.

I got stuff to do.

Yes, but...

I heard that

when the trial is important,

they sequester

the jury in very posh hotels.

Hey, Ma,

what could be

better than this?

(HORN BLOWING)

Tommy, you just threw away

your entire future.

Mom, honey-face, snookum-pie,

I'll find something.

Hear ye, hear ye!

Hey, Ma, look!

Harry the Hot Tub King

is slashing all prices.

That's right.

The widest selection.

I demand it.

The finest...

Hey, Mom, look.

Safe sex.

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, I...

I have to finish dressing.

(MOANING)

Hey, Jed.

Hi.

I got two words

for you, son.

Polystyrene.

It's like white gold, Tommy.

It's everywhere.

People are throwing

this stuff away,

right and left,

treating it like the plague.

But south of the border,

they can't get enough of it.

So, here's what we do.

We find it, clean it,

ship it. Bingo.

Easy village, huh?

Right.

Come here, I want to show

you something. Come on.

Look. Look, what do you see?

TOMMY:

A truck full of sh*t.

JED:
No, Tommy.

That's the future.

This stuff

is light as a feather.

And the best part of it is,

they pay you by the pound.

Wow! Then you must

be making a fortune.

Yeah.

Ta da! I'm ready.

Where are we going?

Uh, Vegas.

Oh, great!

Peanut loves craps.

Siegfried and Peanuts.

You didn't tell him?

I knew there was

something I forgot.

Okay, you guys,

we are ready.

Tommy, um...

Your mom and I are

going to Las Vegas

to get married.

Alone.

(WHIMPERING)

Wait a minute.

Where are you guys gonna stay?

Honey, we'll be back

before you know it.

It's gonna be

a very quick honeymoon,

right, Jed?

But, Mom,

where will Peanut and I eat,

sleep, and watch TV?

They're gonna take

very good care of you.

I made arrangements

for you to stay

at the Woodalls.

Bye, puddin'.

(HORN HONKING)

The Woodalls?

Oh.

Come on, Tommy.

We won't hurt you.

(BOTH SNARLING)

(YELPING)

Court is in session.

Thanks for the ride,

Uncle Morty.

DRIVER:
Say hi

to your mom for me.

TOMMY:
Whoa! Look

at that erect building.

Okay, Peanut.

Take a deep breath.

Remember, we go

to different courtrooms

until they find the trial

that's right for us.

And the trial

that's right for us

is a very long one

where we get to stay

in a hotel for free,

not to mention $5 a day.

You got that, Peanut?

(BARKS)

Hola, senorita.

It's, uh,

pretty impressive, eh?

Yeah, S and M.

(SPLUTTERING)

Kinky.

You here for jury duty?

Oh, yeah. You?

I couldn't get out of it,

at least not yet.

Give me a hand.

Just around the head?

I'm kind of

faking a head wound.

Excuse me.

Are you two here

for jury duty?

Yeah!

Yeah.

You couldn't

get out of it?

At least not yet.

I'm still trying, though.

I know.

Hey, look,

it's the juice!

Run, O.J., run!

Ahh!

It was a security guard.

Hey, maybe I can help you.

Yeah?

Yeah. I got an idea.

"The People

versus Robert Trenton."

The defendant is accused

of embezzling $2,000.

This trial shouldn't last

more than a day or two.

Three days at most.

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