Just Around The Corner

'Access code accepted.

'Welcome to DIY Dentist,

self dentistry on a budget'.

Ahh.

Right.

Actually, I really feel...

Relax.

Don't look at the tools,

it'll be fine.

Terry Kelleher says there's

a proper dentist opening up

on the Isle Of Norwich.

Yeah, we can't afford it, it costs

12 batteries to even register.

'Please voice select option.'

You know,

I think it's getting easier.

'With anaesthetic

or without anaesthetic?'

Without anaesthetic.

With anaesthetic.

'You have chosen...

without anaesthetic.'

What?! Bloody hell!

Look, you've upset the chickens!

We haven't got anaesthetic.

The tokens, the internet tokens.

Oh, I've cocking lost them,

haven't I?!

Here, here.

What is wrong with me?

I'm totally incapable.

You're not, you're

an extremely capable young woman.

I tell you what, why don't you rip

Grandad's tooth out?

Don't look at the tools!

No, I'd only mess it up,

I'd be like the pig all over again.

Listen, you were unlucky and we'd

have had to castrate him eventually.

- No, no.

- No, no, you'll be fine.

I'd make a complete and utter...

Grandad?

Probably safe to let them out.

Water's gone right down.

What's the flood left us?

Bits of wood, drowned hedgehog,

some old Y-fronts.

Not bad.

I think these floods

are easing up a bit.

We've only had three this week

and just the one tornado.

Anything else?

Plastic cones, rubber Johnny,

bits of old carpet...

corpse.

They used to collect on Tuesdays

but now you've got to

lug it up there yourself.

Yes, OK, Mick, thanks.

And they charge us!

- Do you want to buy some chicken eggs?

- No, thanks.

- What about your dad?

- He's not my dad, he's my father-in-law...

What happened to your eye?

Fight, over an eel.

Over an eel?!

And they charge by the weight now

and he's a big bastard, look!

Big thighs...

- Well, yeah...

- Big stiff thighs.

- Mick, that's no way to talk about...

- He won't fit in the wheelbarrow.

Eh?

The wheelbarrow! He won't fit!

We're not putting him

in the wheel...

So do you want to buy

some chicken eggs?!

Are they seagull eggs painted brown?

Not yet.

Why don't skinny people

ever end up dead in our garden?

Mick, this is another human being.

This is a mother's son,

a man with thoughts

and hopes and dreams.

Now here he is,

his life's journey's over,

washed up against

the fence of our garden...

just centimetres

from next door's garden.

'Traffic news - there's more

tailbacks on the Upton Causeway,

'where a rickshaw has shed its load.

'And now something mellow...'

What's that?

You've been invited to the birthday

party of the area controller.

What, Big Delia?

No, there must be a mistake.

Well, you've got to go.

No, even if it is for me,

she won't notice if I don't go.

But you can't risk snubbing her.

Johnny No Fingers

snubbed her once...

Well, Johnny Fingers as he was then.

No, no, no, I'm not going.

No, the only reason that hoodlums

like her flourish

is because decent people

just don't stand up to her

just because she's got protection

rackets and thugs and...

- I'd better take a present, hadn't I?

- God, yes.

Right, OK.

Mick, I am actually a bit short.

You remember

when we went to Guildford-On-Sea

and I loaned you all those

triple As to pay for...

I put them all on a dog fight.

You lost the lot.

Yeah, I bet on the dog

and the bloke won.

I can't skin this bloody hedgehog!

I've been beaten by the corpse

of Mrs Sodding Tiggywinkle!

Oh, that's not so bad...

Look, we can use that bit

as a hairbrush.

Kia, hey, hey, come on.

I know with Mum gone, it's tough.

It's a daunting world to be 17 in.

See, when I was young, we were

lucky, we had lots of great stuff.

We had buses and shops and mains

electricity and banks...

that had money in.

Well, we thought that they did...

Anyway, what I'm getting at is,

all this - the looting

and the lynching and stuff,

it's just...

a blip.

A blip?!

What I mean is, you know,

be confident.

Look, um, do you want to

come inside for a cup of tea?

You trying to harvest

one of my kidneys?

No.

Cos that'll cost you.

For the last time, I'm not

interested in any of your organs.

Yeah, if I had a penny

for every time I've heard that!

You got a party invite.

You've got a party invite!

Yeah, yeah, Big Delia invited me

to her birthday party,

I don't know why.

Well, she's not going to be

very happy.

Eh?

When you don't go

because you despise her!

Well, possibly...

You called her a barbaric monster.

Did I? Are you sure? Did I say...

You're totally right.

Am I?

Yeah, you and me, we're the

only ones who don't suck up to her.

There.

Thanks.

When are you going to tell Grandad

about... you know?

Oh, er, soon.

Excuse me!? Hello?

Yeah, yeah, I'm just waiting

for the right...

Yeah, soon.

Hello?!

Hello?!

Oh, hello.

There, er, appears

to be a body in my garden.

A body? Is there?

Well, that's a... bit of bad luck.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, that's... a big one.

Any idea how it got there?

Because I think

I saw a body in your garden earlier.

No, no, no, I don't think so.

Not in our garden.

See, the water flows this way,

you see, so how is it possible...

Backwash.

Hmm, backwash.

Backwash?

Yeah,

it's when the water washes... back.

Or he could have been

dragged there by otters.

Yes, yes, it could have been otters.

Otters can throw bodies

over fences, can they?

Well, maybe he...

Was alive

when he climbed into your property

and then he had...

a fatal heart attack.

In the night.

I would have seen him.

I have a 200 watt security light,

powered by my new wind turbine.

Yeah,

we're going to get a security light.

What, powered by that?

Isn't that one of the windmills

that Don Quixote charged at?

Ha, very good.

Look, mate, that body is just

one of those unanswerable mysteries

like the Marie Celeste or

who assassinated Tony Blair

or why the Shard fell down

or why the...

Oi, you!

Did you see how this got here?

Nah, didn't see a blind zero, bruv.

Indeed...

Was that me?

No, that was thunder, Mick.

Hey, do you want to sleep

the night in our shed?

Never sleep in a room with only

one door, me mum taught me that.

And to never cook

a tortoise in a microwave

You remember your mum, then?

Yeah, she gave me this.

Advice and wisdom and stuff.

It's a shopping list.

No, might look like

a shopping list to you.

Look, I used to teach adult

literacy, I could teach you to read.

To read what? Words?

Yeah, words.

So I could read tattoos?

Um, tattoos, yeah.

And signs and books even.

So I could read tattoos so I'd know

who's in what gang and stuff?

Well, yeah.

So what does that say?

That's a number plate,

they're not words.

You can't really read, can you?!

Good try, Mr!

You ain't tricking me

out of a kidney that easily!

'And that is the true

religious message of Chrislam...

'that everybody is right

and nobody is wrong.'

Another scorpion in the outside bog.

Er, listen, Mick...

That's the last of

the Jeffery Archers.

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