Just Around The Corner Page #2

I shall miss wiping my arse on him.

Yes, Mick...

Other side, bad ear.

Uh, Mick, your granddaughter

has some very good news...

Oh.

Which is that she has a boyfriend.

What, a proper boyfriend,

not like the other one?

I had no way of knowing

he was a woman.

No, no.

No, no, of course not, darling.

Anyway, this admirer

of Kia's, I haven't met him,

but he makes her happy...

which is great.

Oh, yes, of course, no, absolutely.

Terrific, princess.

And also, the interesting

thing about him, is that he's...

Well, he's...

He's what?

He's...

Well, the interesting thi...

He's Dutch.

I met him up the dump last week

and since then,

we've gone scavenging together

a couple of times.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it, Granddad?

Dutch?

F***ing Dutch!

All right, Mick, let's..

Poxy, immigrant scum, they come

over here, they take our work,

they take our houses,

they steal our turnips.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't

condone all this cloggy bashing...

Well...

But let's be honest,

they bring it upon themselves.

All I am saying is, why are they

all bloody well over here...

Oh...

Why can't they stay in Holland?!

Because there is no Holland,

there's just the top of a hill

near what was once Eindhoven.

Well, what sort of race is stupid

enough to have a country

below sea level.

I mean it's just asking for it!

I don't believe this.

"Oh, our country's not big enough,

we must build an extension

"out there on the sea. We are tall

and blond, everything will be fine."

I'm sorry, duchess,

I love you to death

but I can't bear the thought of you

with some dyke monkey.

Well, actually, that went

a bit better than I expected.

Don't forget to worm the goat!

What the...

Oh! Course, it's Tuesday.

- Some nice homemade fudge? Songs for food!

- We sing songs for food,

a sweet song for a sweet potato,

a salad for a ballad.

Thousands of English boys out there,

and she has to chose a cloggy.

Oh, actually the C word's

a bit offensive, so...

Some poxy little tulip-muncher.

So's that.

Listen, Mick, just go a bit easy,

because she likes this boy

and I think it'll be good

for her confidence

which has been a bit

shaky ever since her mum...

Dumped us for that rich git.

Well, I wouldn't put it

quite like that.

Well, she dumped us,

he's rich and he's a git.

Look, Granddad.

Says he's English.

You better get Delia a present.

Eh?

As an apology.

I can't believe you

didn't go to that party.

- Well, I...

- Madness.

He decided not to go.

Yes, on ethical grounds.

Oh, Jesus, not the ethical bollocks.

Well, some of us...

I thought after Bono was

eaten by those Ethiopians

I wouldn't have to listen

to that sh*t any more!

- Yes, well some of us feel...

- Can't hear, bad ear.

Some of us feel that morally...

Do you think we should run?

Run? No.

We're not criminals,

we're upright citizens...

Actually, yeah, let's run.

Those windmill bunnies - they'll

give her all sorts of diseases.

Oh, for...

Cholera,

yellow fever, Dutch elm disease...

No, Mick, that's trees. Look...

Here, want to buy some

crocodile skin shoes?

Have you got some?

Not yet.

No, naughty!

I mean, what have cloggies

ever given us?

Porn, Dutch caps

and one-eared painters.

I'm warning you,

you'll stink of herrings.

She will not stink of herrings!

You won't stink of herrings.

Why don't you say something?

Because he doesn't leave any gaps.

Listen, you have a voice,

so use it.

You need to stand up

and assert yourself, you need...

Oh, bloody hell!

Excuse me, excuse me...

How come the body's

on our side of the fence?

Is there one there too?

Yes, it's the same body.

No, that's not the old body.

I took that up the dump.

This is a different body.

Look, he's wearing a mac.

The face is the same.

But look,

this one hasn't got a moustache.

Maybe he's the twin brother

of the other body.

He probably died of shock

when he discovered his brother

had a heart attack.

Either that or

he was dragged here by an otter!

You put a mac on him,

you shaved off his moustache

and your threw him back over the

fence... threw him over the fence.

And what's more...

Is that a car?

That's Big Delia's car!

Oh, Jesus.

It's been nice knowing you!

I knew this would happen.

It'll be fine,

she's probably just passing.

Delia forced Sony Watkinson's mum

into prostitution.

I'm not sure how much

forcing there was.

Mick...

She was quite

prostitute-y already...

I'm told.

Talking of prostitutes,

let's be very careful not to make

any reference

to Delia's early career.

Right.

Or that of her mother.

- And grandmother.

- Grandmother?!

Yes, and her...

Whoa, stop right there,

what we don't know we can't say.

Oh, and nobody mention what

happened to her husband.

What did happen?

She topped him.

Yeah, well, we don't know that.

For all we know it was

a freak accident involving

a steam roller and lots of weasels.

Was that thunder?

No, Mick, that was you.

The main thing is to be confident.

What are you doing?

I'm never going

to remember all this

so I'm writing "murderer",

"weasels" and "whore" on my hand.

No, no, no, don't do that.

Area controller,

what a nice surprise.

Happy birthday for yesterday.

Sorry I didn't make it,

but I came down...

with a dose of... er... of, um...

of, er...

Syphilis.

Yes, syphilis.

Cup of tea?

Thank you,

and what's-his-face will have some.

Oh good, good. Oh there's no milk.

Kia would you fetch the...

What's that say, on her hand?

It says...

weasels, murderer and whore.

Weasels, murderer and whore?

Yes, it's, erm, a..

A law firm.

Yes, it's a law firm that she's

thinking of consulting. Kia, milk.

I hope you got the milk from one

of my approved outlets

and not some roadside

cloggy bastards.

Oh, absolutely, 100%.

How many cloggies does it take

to change a light bulb?

11. One to change the bulb

and ten to crew the submarine.

Here, I've been told

that some of them

are basically male prossies

targeting our women,

cos they don't see

our women as people

and of course,

a lot of their woman drowned.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Oh. I'll tell you what,

I'll ask what's-his-bollocks

here, cos he's Dutch.

Course, I've also heard that

some of these Dutch gentlemen

and their English lady friends

form loving and...

Leave!

Of course, yes.

And you. What's your name?

His name is Pyk.

Pyk Van Der Linden,

and he's my boyfriend.

Yes, er, actually, sweetheart,

that...

Or at least he was...

Actually, sweetheart...

until he got stolen by some...

whorey-faced whore...

Sweetheart...

No, I have a voice

and I am using it!

It's just now is not the right...

She is a barbaric monster!

You said so yourself.

I didn't!

She's not been well.

Syphilis?

No, not syphilis, no...

You, leave now.

Oh, and you don't have lovely eyes.

They're sh*t!

Kia, please...

Piss off, dyke monkey!

Top-up?

I know what you're thinking.

My poor darling Frank

barely cold in his grave,

and she's after hot Dutch cock.

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