Just One of the Guys

- Terry?

- Denise, why aren't you in Science?

They're showing a filmstrip,

everyone left. I have to talk to you.

- I'm really into this article.

- I know, but I need your advice...

...and you are my best friend,

and I tried to deal with it myself...

...and I'm really stressed out!

Three guys wanna take me out,

I'm not too thrilled by any of them...

...but think I should go in case I don't

have a real boyfriend by the prom.

- Okay, who are the guys?

- If I give you names, you cannot laugh.

I know, you have

the perfect college boyfriend.

- You think Kevin's perfect?

- He's a god, okay?

Can we talk about me now?

Where was I?

Bruce Shulman, Edward Zink

and Roger Gibbler.

- This is serious.

- I know.

All right, on a scale of lame to cute

who rates the least low?

They're all lame.

Put Roger in a rent-a-tux,

he might move up to semi-lame.

Okay, forget looks,

who's got the hottest car?

A Pinto, dad's Skylark

and a Schwinn.

Looks like you're gonna have

to skip the prom.

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Listen up! Hey.

A lot of you've been giving me

grief about this Sun-Tribune...

...journalism competition.

Well, I finally got

all of your submissions read.

Now, during my planning period...

...I picked the best two,

and then from those...

...and from those submitted by

your pals over at Sturgis-Wilder.

Thank you.

The Trib will pick one and award

somebody a summer internship.

Okay?

I'll post the names of the winners in

the trophy case after I finish my lunch.

Tuna salad on whole wheat.

A summer job at the Sun-Tribune,

think about it.

I'll think about that, you think about me

at the prom with a lizard.

- I think you're exaggerating.

- Hi, Denise!

Are you busy Saturday night?

Sorry.

Mr. Raymaker...

...Mr. Vino, the driver's ed. Teacher,

just ran over a dog.

Should I take a photographer?

No.

What's up, Terry?

- How's it going, Terry?

- Hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

- Am I invisible?

- They were in a hurry.

You are so hot.

Buddy, I just ate.

- Thanks for stopping by, Bud.

- Anytime, sis.

Our parents are gone for two weeks.

Know what that means?

Their king-size bed is empty.

Well, what do you think?

I think if you and I were

the last man and woman on Earth...

...the human race would die out.

You want time to think it over.

I understand.

I have two words for you,

slumber party.

We'll invite every girl you know:

Tall, short, loose, easy.

I'll be the bartender,

they can use my bedroom...

...they can use my body.

- I wanna help.

- You wanna molest my friends.

- Forget it.

- Why?

You'll have a party, and I'll...

- Oh, God.

- Does he do this at the dinner table?

Don't get me wrong,

it's not like I've never had sex before.

I've had lots of sex. It's just that now

I'd like to try it with a partner.

We really have to get back

to school.

Yes, we must get back.

Wanna make sure

my article's in the trophy case.

Yes, we really must get going.

You have to get going?

I'm 15 years old.

In two years, I reach the peak

of my sexual powers.

The clock is ticking,

I have to get jamming.

Can't you hear

what you're saying?

- Aren't you a little embarrassed?

- Nope, I'm horny.

Horny will kick embarrassment's ass

every time.

Budster, listen to me.

Don't you want your first time

to be with someone you love?

I guarantee you, I'll be in love.

There's Lisa Macadoo,

I hear she'll do anything with anybody.

She looks pretty cheap to me.

Me too.

I am so excited. You know this job

means, like, everything in life to me.

I know.

Work in the sports section.

That way we can interview

all the cute jocks.

You are gonna be so proud of me,

I'm gonna make such a great reporter.

- I'm not there.

- Why aren't you there?

Neal Perlow and Joseph Dreyer?!

And then I had Terry Griffith,

fourth period Civics.

Did you see what she's wearing?

The legs do not stop.

I say we flunk her,

keep her here for another year.

You better be careful,

you could lose your job.

It'd be worth it,

it's not that great a job.

- Terry.

- What's wrong with my article?

Well, there isn't anything

wrong with it, per se...

...it's just...

...not outstanding work.

- Well, I think it is.

What do you give me straight

A's for, my wardrobe?

I give you the A's because

of your hard work. And you write well.

But this contest,

it's a completely different ballgame.

When I read those articles,

I have to ask...

...does this person

have a nose for news?

Do they dig out

the most interesting angle?

So, what you're trying to tell me

is that the nutritional content...

...of our school lunches

isn't interesting.

Look, Terry,

I know that you're disappointed.

But I had to pick kids

who've got a real shot...

...at becoming

professional journalists.

I am going to be a reporter.

That's good.

I like that attitude.

But don't you think it would be nice

to have something to fall back on?

Like what?

Well, you're a pretty girl,

you could be a model.

Be a model?

Why, because a pretty girl

can't possibly have a brain?

- Look, what I meant was...

- I know what you meant!

This is a great article

and it belongs at the Sun-Tribune.

And you are so clueless to life,

it is really pathetic!

Terry, it's Mr. Wonderful.

Always when I'm busy.

- She's in the pool.

- What took you so long?

- I knew it was you.

- I keep forgetting how young you are.

What a waste of a sports car.

Listen, everything's gonna be

all right.

How'd this get in here?

- Why do you always tie double knots?

- Kevin, please, forget the knot.

What I need is a little sympathy.

I had my heart set

on that summer job.

Terry.

I know exactly how you feel.

Can I tell you a little story?

When I was a kid,

I was obsessed with being a fireman.

I used to set little fires in the back

yard, and I'd practice putting them out.

Then one day...

...when I was 12,

I learned I could never be a fireman.

Why, what happened?

I found out how much money

they make. Pitiful.

Don't you understand

that I don't care what reporters make?

I can't remember a time when there

was anything else I wanted to do.

And it's discouraging when Raymaker

tells me that I should become a model.

Hey, why not?

You're a knockout.

Besides, models make

some pretty nice bucks.

You don't think I can do it either.

Well, no, that's not exactly

what I said, exactly.

Yeah, well, it was close enough.

You know, it's lucky for you

I'm in love with you, I think...

...or I'd probably never

speak to you again.

I'd like to be alone, please.

Now? Can't you be alone

when your parents are home?

Since you haven't listened

to one word I've said...

...why don't you try reading my lips.

Goodbye, Kevin.

Would you rather spend the night

at the frat house?

- All men care about is sex!

- I resent that.

Big improvement, huh?

The room needed something.

Your room is why my life

is totally screwed up.

You guys think beautiful women are

nothing but decoration, total airheads.

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