Just One of the Guys Page #2

Hey, not me.

These women

have my deepest respect.

For showing their b*obs?

And for their minds.

It just so happens that Kim here

reads Vonnegut in her bubble bath.

And Luanne has dedicated

her centerfold...

...to help clean up toxic waste.

And the only reason Barbara does

her physics homework buck-naked...

...is because that library's hot.

Come on, Buddy, admit it...

...you would love to spend your entire

life just using women's bodies.

Yeah, all but the last 60 seconds.

I'd like a little time to reminisce.

Can't you think of anything

more profound than getting laid?

A blowj*b?

- Hey, I'm sorry.

- This is the perfect end to my day.

I mean, it's as if women's lib

never existed.

Today's woman has the freedom to be

just as sick and perverted as us guys.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, I write an excellent article,

and just because I'm cute...

...no one takes me seriously.

It's not fair!

And yet, somehow

you find the courage to go on living.

You got guts.

Sometimes I just wish I were a guy.

No, you don't.

The male body needs sex at all times.

It's a living hell.

I bet if a guy turned in the same article

it would be at the Sun-Tribune now.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, does Miss April

look straight?

What are the odds of this being

a homeless nymphomaniac?

- Is your sister home?

- Yeah.

Hey, Terry, you got company.

Terry?

Why am I brain damaged?

I just fooled my own brother.

Hey, I wasn't paying attention.

Now I am. Hello, Terry.

I think I can pull this off.

This morning I knew her.

I talked to her, she screamed at me...

...everything was great.

Now she's wearing my clothes.

- Who do you think you are, Tootsie?

- No.

Okay, Yentl,

what do you wanna be, a rabbi?

Just tell me what's wrong.

Really?

Okay, well...

Look how you're standing.

I mean, drop your hands.

Okay, now stick your hip in.

All right,

now move your feet apart.

Okay.

Guys take up space.

All right,

now you gotta look tougher.

Very crucial,

something every guy does...

...let me see you

scratch your balls.

Hey, come on, try it.

Wait a minute.

Watch the master.

Now first, there's your basic shift.

But that's not always enough.

Sometimes you've got to get inside,

dig a little, let some air in...

...move things around.

Yeah, well, maybe

my balls don't itch.

All balls itch, it's a fact.

Well, maybe this would help.

Not bad.

Sh*t, maybe I should try that.

Okay, let's see you walk.

Hold it!

Look, you got balls now, use them.

Say, baby, what's happening?

I'm a lean, mean sex machine,

and that be the way it is.

Say, baby, what's happening?

I'm a lean, mean sex machine...

...and that be the way it is.

I think you'll pass

as long as you don't move.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm going to take that article to

Sturgis-Wilder and submit it as a guy.

It makes perfect sense.

Got a problem, you get in drag.

You don't think I can do it,

do you?

No way.

But I'd love to see you try.

Hey, how you doing?

We'll talk more later.

There you go.

Keep lifting those weights.

Once you're into power-blitzing,

doing super-sets is like jerking off.

The key is to work out

every possible minute.

Like, say you don't have any weights.

You use freshmen.

I'm serious.

Excuse me!

This'll just take a minute.

Okay, get a good grip...

...bend your knees and lift.

One, two. One, two.

Hey, no pain, no gain.

This is great for the deltoids.

- Thanks, kid.

- Happy to help.

Who invited you?

I'm new here.

Just what we need, another p*ssy.

Strong as an ox,

and almost as smart.

Another good exercise for upper body

strength, the p*ssy toss for distance.

Hey, get off me!

Get off me right... Get off!

Watch the prickers.

Damn.

Great bunch of guys.

I see you met Greg Tolan.

He kind of runs the school.

I'm Rick Morehouse.

Try not to get us confused.

Willie, will you give us a synopsis

of Catcher in the Rye?

Catcher in the Rye, a novel

written by the earthling Salinger...

...that every adolescent Homo sapien

in America is forced to read...

You didn't read it, did you?

Our mission on your planet

is to study human behavioral patterns.

Last night, we simulated a daily

teenage ritual, homework avoidance.

We consumed large quantities

of fermented hops and were...

...transformed into degenerate

party animal head-bangers.

- Can I go to the restroom, please?

- Three minutes.

I don't care what galaxy

you two are from.

You've been pulling this routine

for three years.

You'll be here another year

if you don't straighten up.

I want that homework now.

The Earth woman seems so tense.

Irritable.

Too much coffee.

Not enough sex.

Just finished.

I care.

Low-budget

pud-sucking dick nose!

Way to go, big Ter.

Table pressing.

Good for strength and definition.

Full extension is very important.

No pain, no gain.

- Got you!

- Keep your face out of my locker.

- Coach Morrison?

- One moment, son.

Bowling, a great game.

The greatest.

But it's more than a game.

It's the ultimate challenge.

One man...

...one ball...

...ten pins.

- Ten frames too.

- Exactly!

See, coach, I just transferred here

from another school...

...so I don't have my gym clothes yet,

so I guess I'll just go to study hall.

Hold it!

Everyone dresses

for my gym class.

Everyone.

Great.

I have surprise jock inspections

three times a week.

A word to the wise:

Wear it.

Hey, yo, Mark,

throw me a towel, huh?

- Willie, I hate gym. I really hate gym.

- I really hate gym a lot.

I don't like the smell.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's spreading!

Have you ever seen anything

like this?

Never.

- Early shower squad!

- Get the new kid!

Get off me!

Get off me!

Everybody out! Fire!

Calm, collected!

Take only essential materials!

- Hey, get out of my way!

- There's a fire drill.

We have a saboteur

in our gym class!

A real scum.

A nimrod!

Whoever started that fire...

...is a human gutter ball.

A zero!

Sherbecoe, how many times

have I told you...

...no creatures in my gym class?

If I left him in the locker,

the alligators would eat him.

You get rid of it, or I'll get rid of it.

It's all right. It's okay. He's just

a little upset. Don't worry about it.

Sit. Sit. Stay. Good boy.

Good boy.

Okay, I'll be back soon for you.

I'll take Willie if you take Phil.

Okay, come on, guys.

Okay.

Shirts!

Skins!

Shirts!

Skins!

- All right, let's play some ball.

- Yeah.

Got a problem, son?

Stomach, shooting pains!

I ate in the cafeteria!

Come on, tough it out!

When life rolls you a 7-10 split,

what do you do?

Go to the nurse?

No! Hell, no! You aim for

that seven pin and let her rip!

All right. All right.

The rest of you pinheads play ball!

- This is good work.

- I knew it. Thanks, Mr. Mendosa.

But I can't send it

to the Sun-Tribune.

- What'd you say?

- Can't send it.

Your writing skills are fine,

but, man, this stuff is really boring.

You gotta grab the reader!

Goose them a little.

Right...

...goose them.

Just because you're a guy doesn't

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