Kajaki Page #6

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it'll stop the bleeding.

Nobody's asking you to do

open f***ing heart surgery, Ken.

Where, Prosser!

Where do you want me to f***ing tie it?

His arm is barely f***ing hanging on!

Mark, please.

Please, Mark, please.

F*** off!

Someone get me out.

KEN SOBS:

KEN:

F***ing hell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, alright,

Ken, Ken, Ken. Just forget the tourniquet.

Use the t-shirt, plug the f***ing hole.

OK, let me...

Mark, stop. Mark.

- Prosser.

Where's the f***ing Motorola?

- KEN:
F***ing stop, mate! OK, OK, OK.

Must have gone up with Mark.

Ken. Ken, look at me.

You're doing a f***ing great job, alright mucker.

Ah, f***ing hell!

F***ing wait. Sit, sit down.

Tug.

If you get yourself pinged halfway

we've got ourselves a whole new nightmare.

But I'm the only... I'm the only medic

and this is the only f***ing med kit.

You were just telling Smudge not to be a dick,

right don't do anything stupid.

Yeah, but this is stupid.

It is a bit f***ing stupid.

Yeah but I've got a plan.

Listen, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Woah, woah, woah. Easy, mate, what is it?

Come on.

What's up.

It's my f***ing lung.

F***ing hell.

- You're supposed to land on the f***ing thing.

F*** off.

OK. OK. OK...

OK. OK.

That's much better.

- F*** off!

OK. OK, now.

OK. OK. OK...

Come on you f***ing p*ssy.

F***ing hell.

What are you doing, Tug?

You can shut up, Mark.

Before I change my f***ing mind.

It's too f***ing dangerous. Stop it.

I need you to put a tube in me.

What?

- You're a... team medic.

Ah, no, mate, no. No, no that was, that was

two days in Belfast, man. Two f***ing years ago.

Piece of piss. I put one

in a Terry a few weeks ago.

What's your name?

Wha...

- I said...

Harvey.

- What's your name?

Jar Head.

Jar Head. My right lung's collapsed.

If you don't cut me...

stick this in my chest,

I'll stop breathing and die.

Second rib. Mid clavicular.

I've asked you once,

I can't ask again. Just cut me.

F***ing...

Halfway, Tug.

F***ing awesome.

It's like watching him

mount his missus.

Oh, f***ing hell...

What the f*** am I doing?

Oh, f***...

Oh, f*** it.

Sod's law you get pinged

on the way back anyhow.

MARK:
Here, I thought I told you

about not walking into a room

until you know how

you're walking out of there.

OK. OK. You can f***ing do this.

You can f***ing do this. You can f***ing do this.

Oh, why the f*** not.

You can f***ing do this! F*** it.

OK. OK.

TUG JUMPS:

It's alright. I trust you.

Second rib.

Just go, right.

Three...

- Hey! Doctor coming down.

Ah, f***'s sake.

Thank f*** for that.

Tension pneumothorax.

What?

- Tension pneumothorax.

Right side. I need it released, now.

F*** you, f***ing f***.

Sir.

Where's my camera?

I need my f***ing photos.

- Oi, Tug. Hold him still, buddy.

He's gonna set off another f...

- Stu, stop f***ing moving, mate.

I need my f***ing camera.

- Alright, alright, alright.

We'll get your photos,

just stop f***ing moving, please.

Hey, pal, cas evac.

Ken, you got a drink of water,

mate, I'm f***ing dying here.

No, no, no, I'm out, mate.

Tug. Have you got any water?

What? You want me

to pop back and get some?

And water!

Casualty evacuation, ten minutes.

Barlow. Heads up.

MARK:

Thank f*** for that.

Here, Mark.

OK. You got it. OK.

OK, next one.

- Cas evac, ten minutes. Yeah.

Yeah

- Always f***ing t...

God damn it! What the f***

is going on down there? Huh!

Ah, f***!

Ah! f*** it...

What is so f***ing... man!

F***! Tug, Tug f***ing help me.

F***ing help me.

OK.

Ken, Ken, I'll get to you when I can, OK?

There's a tourniquet

and a morphine pen, yeah.

You know what you're f***ing doing, lad.

- Tug!

Be with you in a minute, man.

Be with you in a minute.

Tug, I need some f***ing morphine.

OK, OK.

Oh, god!

I need some f***ing morphine.

Yeah, I'm with you, Stu. I'm with you.

Prosser!

I think my lung's f***ed.

- OK, mate.

I need you to lean on your side,

don't let any sh*t drain into the good one, yeah.

Lean up on that rock there.

Tug, please.

Stu, have a pen, yeah? Find somewhere soft,

give it ten. That's your lot, alright?

Thanks, mate.

What are we going to do with you?

F***, you.

Alright, mate. Alright, OK.

Where's the f***ing blood going?

You're alright, pal. I got you.

Bite down.

...You only stay with us now, OK?

Lad it's alright.

Yeah, take it easy now, alright.

Hold on a minute. Any minute

the helicopter's gonna come, right?

Stay with us, now, OK?

Prosser, are we ready?

Hold on.

Alright, lads.

ZAP numbers on my say, yeah.

Give the medics a head start.

Half a f***ing job, Ken. Could have done it

a lot better myself, but it'll do for now.

It still f***ing hurts!

- You've had your left pin nipped off, pal.

It's meant to hurt, but

the morphine'll kick in soon, yeah.

Er. OK, OK, go.

Alright, Stu. Go, pal.

I cannae...

I cannae f***ing remember.

- Don't be a f***ing bender, Stu.

It's important information,

it could save your f***ing life, pal.

Cool it, Mark, cool it, Mark, cool it.

Stu, go!

Pearson, Corporal, SH, 3 Para...

Papa, six four three nine.

P1, left f***ing peg.

Sorry, sorry, wait, Papa what?

Papa six four three nine.

OK, and a, a left, what?

Jesus f***ing Christ,

anyone here speak gangsta?

Sorry. Right. Got it now.

Ken, you're up next, pal. Go on.

Barlow. Fusilier.

How about you, mate? How you doing?

- BARLOW:
AL.

BARLOW:
2 RRF.

Yeah, I'm alright. I think I might

get a tan out of this, though.

Here.

- BARLOW:
Bravo five...

Keep an eye on Stu, yeah.

He's all over the f***ing shop.

He's slamming the morphine sticks

like they're f***ing voddies.

How's it look?

Barlow, Fusilier, AL, 2RRF.

AL? Thought you were called f***ing Ken?

- Bravo five three seven six... P1.

My name's Andy.

Why you called Ken?

- Ah, don't be a spaz, Tug.

Ken Barlow?

- Hmmm.

Ken f***ing Barlow?

Ken f***ing Barlow!

OK, OK, pal. Alright, alright.

Here you are, Stu, pal.

Let's get some water on board.

Hey.

- What, pal?

What's your name, scalie?

- Jonesy, Jones.

It's a sh*t nickname.

- You do any better?

Stu.

- That's not a nickname.

Stu Hale.

Haley. I, er...

I tried to get them to go for Halo.

- Nice.

But Stu stuck.

- So...

what do they call the other Stu?

Stu.

Someone needs to look at that.

It's all my fault, isn't it?

No.

It's not your fault, mate.

- Don't talk like that, mucker.

Think about getting out of here.

Think about your family.

Yeah. Hey, yeah.

Have you got any kids?

Hmm. Jimmy. He's, er, five.

He's, he's a good kid. An...

And I got another one on the way... Yeah.

Oi, Smudge.

You tell Shannon, yeah...

You tell her if it's a boy

you f***ing tell her

to call him Alexander, yeah?

And if it's a girl, call her Sofia.

Would you do that mate, for me, yeah?

I need you to f***ing do that for me.

- Shut up! No, I'm not gonna tell her that.

I'm not gonna tell her anything.

Right, cause if I need to clear a route

with my bare f***ing hands

all the way to Camp Bastion

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