Kevin & Perry Go Large

Please don't execute me.

It is such a waste of my lovely woman's body.

I've got years of shagging in me.

Why chop off my head when thou could...

lift up my dress and look at my front bottom?

Phwoar! I'm not gonna kill you!

CHEERING:

Sir...

I owe thou a shag.

Oh...

- ALL:

- Large!

HE GULPS:

Kevin?

- Kevin!

- Wuuurrrgh!

- How's your homework going?

- Fine, until you came in. Oh!

Bring this mess down when you come.

I'm not your slave!

Don't talk to your mother like that.

MIMICS:
Don't talk to your mother like that!

HE SNORTS:

Oh...

So unfair...

"Dear diary. Sorry I've never written in you.

"I have higher things on my mind."

"If I did write down my thoughts, you would be a bestseller.

"I am a teenage genius, unrecognised by the world.

"The only person who understands me is my best mate Perry."

All right, Kev.

"He is joyful in his understanding of my wisdom."

Your jacket's inside out.

I do know. I don't conform to conventional dress patterns.

"Until Perry met me, he was but a humble peasant,

"but now he is top."

Respect.

"We are only free to express our philosophy through our mixes."

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# Big girl, big girl, big girl... #

Kevin! Turn it down!

MUSIC GETS LOUDER

"When we are top DJs, my senile parents will surely eat their pants."

- You're a genius, darling!

- You certainly proved us wrong.

I sure did. Huh!

Thanks. Will you shag me?

OK.

- GIRLS:

- Shag me!

"For, dear diary, there is pain behind my genius.

"My teenage heart is broken.

"I've been up for it for three bloody years,

"but no girl has yet let me go the whole way."

HE HOWLS:

HOWLING:

HOWLING:

HOWLING CONTINUES

- You got it?

- Yeah.

- I get the goods, you give him that.

- Go, go, go.

Go, go, go.

This, please.

Wurrrgh!

3.99, please.

Thank you!

KEVIN GASPS:

You were scared of the pigs.

- I ain't.

- They're scared of me.

- I rule this manor. I'm hard.

- There's your dad.

KEVIN YELPS:

No!

Are you all right, Kevin?

Oh... Hi, Dad. Yeah, fine, thanks.

Why are you lying there?

I'm a bit tired. I need a sleep.

We're knackered, Mr Porno-P-Patterson.

Yawn.

"Debbie from London loves clubbing.

"I go to Ibiza every year for the clubs and the carefree sex.

"It's fantastic. Everyone gets off with everyone else. It is so horny."

- I love her, Kev.

- That's it!

What?

We are DJs. Where do DJs go for the summer?

Ibiza.

And all girls who go to Ibiza shag anyone, especially DJs.

So where are we going to go?

Ibiza? What, you think you deserve to go to Ibiza after this?

HE MUMBLES:

It's worse than we expected. "Kevin lacks application.

- "Is still a virgin..."

- What?

"Is still emerging from a rebellious phase that shows no sign of ending."

- Huh!

- It's just awful, isn't it?

What have you got to say for yourself?

So can we go to Ibiza?

I think I've answered that! No!

Oh! That is so unfair!

Mum...

- Perhaps if...

- I said no!

Ugh!

- What your father says goes.

- Ugh! Ugh! I can't take any more!

I'm adopted! My real parents couldn't possibly treat me like this!

I hate you!

'Scuse me...

I'm running away! Goodbye for ever!

- You leave no room to compromise.

- DOOR SLAMS

- Compromise with that?

- He has nothing to look forward to!

- He deserves it.

- He'll be impossible all holiday!

'Scuse me, Mr and Mrs Patterson. Erm... Could I have a jam sandwich?

WHIMPERING:

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Kevin left us a note,

to remember him by.

It is typical of the Kevin we all knew,

loved,

and in many cases, shagged.

"I'm killing myself because I'm too good for this world.

"A prophet is never understood in his own land, innit?

"Soft friends, don't be sad.

"I've gone to a better place, where you never have to tidy your room,

"a place where your parents buy you new Nike trainers every week."

"I didn't mean to cause you any pain, Mum...

"but you shouldn't have made me wash."

- SOBBING:

- Kevin!

Kevin!

Yeah. I'm dead now. Yeah.

Oh, Kevin!

Kevin, tea's ready!

HE SIGHS:

HE FARTS:

How nice you've come back. We thought you'd gone for ever.

Eeeuurrrgghhh!

We've decided... that you can both go to Ibiza.

BOTH:
Come on!

Provided you get a job to pay for it.

What are you talking about? YOU pay for my holidays.

That's what parents are for!

- Our lives are about more than that.

- Don't be so ridiculous.

Pass the salt, please, Kevin.

I am not your slave!

This is what happens when you compromise!

Do you know what the trouble with you two is? You're so alike!

BOTH:
What?! That is so unfair!

- You want ME to give YOU a job?

- Yeah. HE WHISTLES

Please.

- Do you know the store?

- Yeah.

Where do you find punk?

On my sheets.

Spunk. Pp-pp!

MUSIC:
"Ooh La La" by The Wiseguys

# Come on!

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la, say zoom

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la, say zoom

# Come on! Come on!

# Say ooh la la... #

Finished!

Well done, boys. Here's one for you and one for you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

We're not cut out for manual work.

Intellectuals aren't.

- I've got too many great thoughts...

- Mopeds!

- Cider!

- Party!

- I can see her bra!

- Bra? Where? Oh, yeah!

MUSIC:
"King of Snake" by Fatboy Slim Remix

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake, king of snake

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake

# Dogman and the king of snake

# King of snake, king of snake

# 24 hours with the king of snake

# Snake, snake, snake

# Snake, snake, snake, snake

# Snake, snake, snake, snake... #

Oh, man...

Oh... Oh, my head...

SHE GROANS:

Oh, hi, baby.

MUSIC:
"I'm In The Mood For Love" by Jools Holland featuring Jamiroquai

# I'm in the mood for love

# Simply because you're near me

# Funny but when you're near me

# I'm in the mood for love

# Heaven is in your eyes

# Bright as the stars we're under

# Oh, is it any wonder

# I'm in the mood for love

# Why stop to think of whether

# This little dream might fade

# We'll put our hearts together

# Now we're one, I'm not afraid...

Kev!

Good morning, Perry.

PERRY CHUCKLES:

KEVIN CHUCKLES:

- Did you shag her?

- Yeah.

- You shagged Sharon?

- Only three times. PERRY WHISTLES

Cor.

- So you've done it with a girl, then?

- Yeah. I stuck it up her good.

That mean you don't want to go to Ibiza?

Now you don't need to go to Ibiza for a guaranteed shag.

I'll get a shag here, probably.

No, we can still go to Ibiza. I can always do more shagging.

Oh. Thanks, Kev. You're a mate. But how are we going to get the money?

It's all in the mind. We're DJs.

We can earn our money on the street.

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl

# All I wanna do is do it

# Big girl, big girl, big girl

- # Big girl, big girl, big girl...

- Oi!

I want a word.

Oh... Hi, darling. How's it going?

- Did you say you shagged me?

- No...

Yeah, you bloody did. Stacey heard you.

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