Kevin & Perry Go Large Page #2

N-No... I didn't.

I wouldn't shag you, you sad twat.

Say anything like that again and I'll smack ya! Virgin!

You said you shagged her three times.

Shut up! I'm getting outta here.

This place is full of losers.

ALL CHANT:
Virgins! Virgins!

Girls here don't appreciate our musical genius.

- What we going to do?

- I don't know.

It's all gone Pete Tong.

Registered letter for your father.

- Will you sign for it?

- Yeah, sure.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Perry! We're saved!

We get the money and go to Ibiza. Sorted.

It's your dad's credit card. It's stealing.

We'll go to prison and get buggered.

You will. You're small.

I'll be all right. KEVIN GASPS

Eurggh! Virgins!

I'm not staying here. We'll pay him back when we're top DJs.

- Are you in or out?

- In.

- Aaarrgh!

- Shut your noise!

You two! Move, now! Move!

Put your hands up! Keep your mouths shut!

- You! Sit down and put your hands up.

- THEY WHIMPER

You, fill that up.

ALARM BLARES:

Money, now. Come on!

On behalf of the bank, thank you. Enjoy that reward money.

BOTH:
Thank you.

If you want a job, give me a ring.

Banking offers many exciting opportunities for virgins like you.

BOTH:
Thank you. Thank you. Eh?

We're very proud of you.

- It was really public spirited.

- Kevin...

and public spirited. Never thought I'd hear those words.

Urrghhh...

We've got a present for you.

Thank Dad.

What?

He's paid for our tickets.

What do you mean, "our tickets"?

We're coming, too.

BOTH GASP:

- You didn't think you could go on your own?

- THEY LAUGH

That is so unfair! Ow!

It's so unfair...

I'd hate to have my head chopped off.

If it was raining, you'd get water in the hole.

Never mind, Kev.

Those bastards!

If they're paying for the flights, we've got more dosh for top gear!

Perry, you're right.

Let us prepare.

# All I wanna do is do it...

# Big girl... #

Kev! Look! The girls of our dreams!

Boys!

- Over here, now!

- Oh!

This is the worst holiday of my life.

Kev, look!

Whoa. The superstar DJ Eyeball Paul.

Tits up, Big Baz. 'Aving it large.

All right, Eyeball Paul?

HE BURPS:

- Cool!

- Brilliant!

Be careful, you clumsy twat.

Muff, Wankette, you dirty little club babes, get in.

Kevin, Perry! Hurry up, boys!

Your mummy's calling, little boys. Hurry up.

- She is one lippy b*tch.

- HE LAUGHS

Eyeball Paul's such a nice bloke.

He's our new best mate, isn't he?

If we get him to hear our mixes, he might let us do a set with him.

- And shag his birds.

- All the birds we want!

This is the best holiday of my life.

DANCE MUSIC:

- See you on the beach.

- Huh! I don't think so!

- You've got to go to the beach.

- Yeah...but not your beach.

We are going to the beach you don't even know about,

because you're nearly dead.

Mr Patterson, Mrs Patterson.

How dare you speak like that!

- HORN BEEPS

- Kevin!

El beacheo!

- Kevin, I'm talking to you!

- Wanker!

The beach!

- Banging!

- Large!

DANCE MUSIC:

Oi, Kev, look!

It's the girls from the airport.

Zoom, zoom, zoom!

BOTH:
Ooh...

Let's stand close to them so they get interested.

Good idea.

- Oh. I'm hooked in.

- Me, too.

We'll get in the sea to cool off.

SQUELCHING:

SQUELCHING:

Afternoon, ladies.

How's it hanging, ladies?

A lovely afternoon for the beach, eh, ladies?

Yeah, it's me. Yeah, cos we're going to El Divino tonight, yeah?

- Would you like a drink?

- Or Pasha.

- Margarita, no salt, innit, Gemma?

- It is, Candice.

Cos Ministry's at Pasha, yeah?

Two margaritas with no salt, please.

Shaken not stirred.

Or Manumission.

- We might go to Manumission tonight.

- Or Es Paradise.

Or we might go to Es Paradise.

- Or Privilege.

- Or Privilege.

- Or Amnesia.

- Or Amnesia.

Cos the tunes there are banging...

PHONE RINGS:

Ladies.

Cheers, waiter. Keep the change.

- Very lovely ladies, aren't they?

- Very lovely.

- What's my chubby babe called?

- Gemma. Mine's Candice.

- Gemma's got a lovely personality.

- Candice is so interesting.

I think they love us, Kev.

DANCE MUSIC:

The evening begins.

Superstar DJs Kev P and Perr E hit the town.

Cor, yeah. Trannies! Ugh!

Wooh! Urgh!

- LOUD FOOTSTEPS

- What the bloody hell's that?

Germans!

Here, Kev, look.

Tonight Gemma is going to see what is down my trousers.

What is down my trousers? Would you like a look?

# What is the matter?

# Don't tell me that it doesn't hurt...#

- HE LAUGHS

- Gemma! Lick my lurve plank. Mmm!

Candice, suck my candy.

Oh, look - snoggers.

Eh?

Cor...

Urrgh!

SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS

Isn't this fun?

Now, what would you boys like?

- I am not hungry.

- Come on, Son.

You'll need energy if you want to go bopping.

HE GROANS:

- We'll order for everybody, shall we?

- Good idea.

Er, como el primo plato quisiera tapas. Una mezcla, por favour.

Y despues una gran paella por todo?

Una necesita se fuerte para hacer el amor, cara mia.

KEVIN RETCHES:

PERRY GROANS:

The table's a bit wobbly.

We need a wedge. Pass me that beer mat, sexy pants.

Oh, for God's sake!

Hasta banana, Mrs Patterson.

- What a couple of wankers!

- Yeah, we are, ain't we?

- No, my parents!

- Oh, yeah. Sorry.

DANCE MUSIC:

- Cool!

- Rinsin'!

Large!

BOTH:
Eyeball Paul!

Come on, Big Baz. Shift, you fat tart.

All right, Eyeball Paul!

It's the little wankers from the airport.

BOTH LAUGH:

- Are you here tonight?

- How's your mummy, Ginger Pubes?

HE LAUGHS She's a b*tch!

Don't stand there. Give him a hand.

- Thanks very much.

- Ginger Pubes!

And you, Sad Act.

Ladies.

Ladies.

Eyeball Paul?

- What do you want?

- We done some mixes of our own.

- What, you and Sad Act?

- Yeah.

I don't suppose we could play them for you some time? No? All right, then.

- So you're brother DJs?

- Yeah.

What tunes you got? What beats you into?

Well, erm...

House or garage?

House...

Acid house or pumping house?

Er... Pumping house?

Balearic pumping or commercial pumping?

Balearic pumping.

- Sash or Chicane?

- Sash!

HE LAUGHS:

Boys, these blaggers are pants!

KEVIN LAUGHS:

Yeah, I'll hear your mix. My pad tomorrow.

- Be there.

- Oooh!

F*** off!

- Thanks, Eyeball Paul.

- Thank you.

- Oh, he's such a nice bloke.

- Brilliant. We're gonna be DJs!

DANCE MUSIC:

Sorry, girls.

No monsters.

Beautiful people can pass.

But monsters - no.

Do you understand?

Look. Your faces - Urrrgh! - offend my mirror.

Go on. Go on.

- Cos I didn't want to go, anyway.

- Yeah, me, neither.

Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to have a makeover with Boots beauty products.

Yeah, and me.

Them boys can get us in cos they're mates with Eyeball Paul, innit?

Yeah. Best mates.

DANCE MUSIC:

Oh, man, that was banging.

Eyeball Paul plays hammering tunes.

- What happened to our ladies?

- You've got to be sorted to get in.

- We're gonna be loved-up DJs.

- We're having it large!

- We've been up all night!

- We bleached it!

If we get the girls in, we'll be up all night shagging...

Oh, my God! Hello, Perry.

PERRY GIGGLES Eeeeurrrrgh!

- Hello, darling.

- Had a good night?

You are disgusting!

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