Kevin & Perry Go Large Page #3

Mrs Patterson, you cheeky girl.

Phwoar!

- Your mum and dad were doing it.

- That is disgusting!

They do not do it. They've only ever done it once.

Sorry, darling, we'll have to do it.

Do it? What a revolting thought.

It's the only way if you're to have the world's greatest DJ.

I'll turn out the light.

- Ouch!

- Sorry.

- Thank God that's over.

- Never again.

Brrrr!

- What's up, Kev?

- I just had a revolting thought.

We'll be doing that with Candice and Gemma.

- Oh! Oh!

- We'll be doing what they're doing.

Oh, Ray!

Won't we, Kev?

Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!

Won't we, Kev?

Oh! Oh!

Won't we, Kev?

Oh! Oh, Ray!

Won't we, Kev?

Doing what?

- Shagging, like your parents.

- They are not shagging.

LOUD BANGING AND SCREAMING

Euurrrghhh!

SCREAMING AND GROANING

GROWLING:

# And maybe

# You're gonna be the one... #

- BOTH:

- # ..That saves me...

# And after all... #

- BOTH:

- # ..You're my wonderwall #

Never ever sing that again!

- We like Oasis.

- You do not!

You're all saggy! You've never heard of Oasis!

Morning, Perry. What's up with Prince Charming?

Mrs Patterson.

Bucks fizz, Mrs Five Times?

Ooh, Ray!

- Shut up, Perry!

- Sorry, Kev.

- Cool!

- Rinsin'!

Come in.

Look who it is. Ginger Pubes and Sad Act.

- All right?

- Eyeball Paul.

We done a bit of a mix...

Twat!

Gets into your bloodstream quicker.

- Cool!

- Rinsin'.

Come on!

You were saying?

Yeah, erm... We done a mix.

First of all, lads, I thought I might give my bathroom a paint.

Fancy giving us a hand?

- Love to!

- Sorted.

Brushes are in the kitchen.

- Great!

- Oh, and lads...

You'll see I've just had a banging sh*t in the bog.

You might have to push it down.

No problem. Thanks very much.

Eyeball Paul is so nice letting us do all that work.

Shame we didn't have a bog brush.

It was so kind to give us these!

Shame his tape machine was bust.

He did say he'd listen tomorrow, when we go to wash his pants.

He's such a rinsin' geezer.

- Rinsin'.

- Rinsin'!

MUSIC ON PERSONAL STEREO

I GOT AN IDEA!

WHAT WE'LL DO IS WALK UP TO THE GIRLS AND IGNORE THEM.

AND THEY'LL BE REALLY SAD.

AND THEN, WE'LL TURN ROUND AND GO, "OH, HELLO, LADIES."

AND THEY'LL BE OVERJOYED.

I LOVE MY BLUBBERY BABY SO MUCH, KEV.

SHE'S GOT LOVELY, BOUNCY BOOBIES. LOOK!

BOTH GRUN THEY GRUN WHAT YOU STOPPED FOR?

- I'M HAVING A PISS.

- URGH!

ALL GROAN:

YOU'VE GOTTA PISS IN THE SEA. IT'S LAW.

GROANS FROM BEACH

- IT'S A FLOATER! ALL:

- Urrrgh!

Wurrrrrgggh!

# Coming to get ya, coming to get ya... #

Do you think Gemma saw my poo?

I wouldn't mind seeing Gemma's poo.

Candice and Gemma do not poo.

What, like Baby Spice?

Now we'll have to think of something to impress them.

THE GIRLS LAUGH:

Afternoon, ladies!

- Ladies.

- TYRES SCREECH

CRASH!

- Been shopping, ladies?

- Lovely afternoon, ladies.

- They was impressed.

- Definitely.

Candice almost looked at me. Gagging for it.

Gemma was, too. Definitely, maybe, gagging for it.

- Gagging for it. Large!

- Hello!

- Urrrgh!

- Mr and Mrs Patterson.

Let's get ready, Ginger Pubes.

- Perry!

- Eh?

- Don't call Kevin that.

- Sorry.

- Strict.

- HE GROWLS

- They've gotta get us in tonight.

- Yeah, so we've gotta be friendly.

- If we ask in a friendly fashion.

- Yeah. Nicely and politely.

BOTH WHISTLE:

- IN A POSH ACCENT: Oh! Ladies!

- Ladies.

Ho ho ho!

Of all the bars in all the world...

- You going to Amnesia tonight?

- You get us in, innit?

Are you deaf or summink?

It would be a great pleasure to escort you lady babes to Amnesia.

We are mates with Eyeball Paul.

- BOTH:

- We know!

Well, come on, then!

Wait here!

BOTH:
Sorted!

MUSIC:
"The Look of Love" by Gladys Knight

# The look

SPLAT!

- # Of love

- SPLAT!

# Is in your eyes

SPLAT!

# A look your heart can't disguise

# The look of love

# Is saying so much more than just words could ever say

# And what my heart has heard, well, it takes my breath away

SHE GASPS:

- # I can hardly wait to hold you

- SHE SCREAMS

- # Feel my arms around you

- SHE SCREAMS

# How long I have waited

# Waited just to love you

# Now that I have found you...

How long have they been?

- Only four hours.

- Not too long.

# It's on your face

# A look that time can't erase...

Come on, then!

# You're mine tonight... #

Oh, no, sorry, girls.

No monsters.

Look...

Eyeball Paul! How you having it?

Large.

Large.

DANCE MUSIC:

- What are these?

- I don't know.

Ladies.

CROWD SCREAMS:

CROWD GROANS:

MUSIC FADES:

Sorry, mate.

CROWD GROANS:

- Good night, ladies.

- Good night, ladies.

Good night, man in a suitcase.

Good night, part-man part-luggage.

- Good night, Germans.

- Good night, Germans.

MUSIC BUILDS:

HE LAUGHS:

DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES

Maybe we shouldn't have left. Maybe the girls wouldn't have minded.

They would have minded.

I wouldn't mind Gemma covered in puke. I'd still shag her.

We've still got time. I think they love us.

When Eyeball Paul plays our mix, they'll love us for ever.

Everything's gonna be all right, innit?

Kev?

CREAKING AND MOANING

'Oh! Oh!

'Oh! Oh, Ray!

'Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!

'Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!'

Go on, Mrs Patterson.

- 'Oh! Oh!'

- SHE SCREAMS

Urrrgh!

I'm sorry...

I'm so sorry...

'Oh! Oh, Ray!

'Oh! Oh! Oh, Ray!'

SCRUBBING:

How's it going, Sad Act?

Very well, thanks.

- Have you got that tape, then?

- Yeah. It's in our beach bag.

Don't worry. I'll find it. You carry on scrubbing.

- Right.

- Thanks.

He's gonna listen to our tape!

PERRY FARTS:

# All I wanna do is do it... #

- This is well hammering!

- Hammering!

Tits up! Talk about having it large!

- Boys!

- Eyeball Paul?

- I like the tape.

- Yeah?

I thought I might play it again, large. Fancy joining me?

- Oh, yeah, sure!

- Ah-ah-ah! Finish the floor.

- Oh, yeah.

- Course.

Finished, Eyeball Paul.

HE GASPS:

Twat!

- Sit yourselves down, lads.

- Hello, Big Baz.

- All right, lovely ladies?

- Watch this.

You might learn a trick or two.

- You mean listen.

- No. No. Watch.

'Oh...

'Oh, Ray! Oh!'

HE LAUGHS:

Eh?

- Noooooo!

- I'm sorry, Kev!

Perry, you bloody pervert!

Can we have our tape back?

She's a randy b*tch, your mam, isn't she, eh?

Banging tits for an old bird.

Noooooo!

Kev!

Give him his tape back, boss.

Shut up, you soft twat!

Kev! Kev! I'm sorry, mate.

You are not my mate and you are not my fellow DJ! Goodbye for ever!

MUSIC:
"Kid 2000" - Hybrid featuring Chrissie Hynde

# Kid, what changed your mood

# You've gone all sad, so I feel sad too

# I think I know...

# Some things you never outgrow

# You think it's wrong

# I can tell you do

# How can I explain

# You don't want me to...

# Kid, my only kid

# You look so small

# You've gone so quiet

# I know you know what I'm about...

- Need an 'and?

- OK.

# But you forgive

# Though you don't understand

# You've turned your head

# You've dropped my hand

# All my sorrows

# All my blues

# All my sorrows... #

SOBBING:

KEVIN SOBS:

What's up, love?

I...want...to go home.

Oh, dear. Have you had a row with Perry?

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