Kevin & Perry Go Large Page #4

Yeah...

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, please, Dad!

Oh, love. Everything will be all right.

I've put the kettle on.

Thanks, Dad.

Tell you what, why don't we go out for a meal? Would you like that?

Yeah.

Let's smarten up and go out.

Yeah. HE SOBS

Oi!

What happened last night was well bad!

- What happened?

- He got puked on.

- What a bummer.

- You all right?

- Is he your boyfriend?

- No, he's my boyfriend.

- HE CHUCKLES

- Bum boys.

Nah, gay lovers.

- Sorry.

- Is that your sand castle?

Yeah... No. I was just helping the little kid.

- It's beautiful.

- Perry's artistic.

You've got a sensitive nature.

Where's Kevin, is it?

Er... Yeah. I don't know.

He's all right.

We're clubbing with you tonight, yeah?

Yeah...

Later.

Later.

See you later, big boy.

Where we going?

I've gotta go home. See you later.

Oi, Sad Act!

- Eyeball Paul.

- You forgot this.

And this.

Oh.

- Thanks.

- I like your mix.

- Eh?

- # All I wanna do is do it... #

It's cool. I might use it in my set tonight. Wanna lift?

You and Ginger Pubes.

Be here tonight.

F*** off.

Thank you.

Mr and Mrs Patterson.

Where's Kev?

- He's in the bedroom.

- He's quite upset.

You better make up.

Oh... Oh, yeah...

Hello.

All right, Kev?

Sorry, Kev.

Thanks, Kev.

BOTH SOB:

BOTH LAUGH:

Why you got a tie on?

I'm going out with my mum and dad.

- Did you have a nice afternoon?

- No.

- How about you?

- I built a sand castle.

Candice and Gemma got boyfriends. I saw them in the street.

No, they're bum boys.

- What?

- I mean gay lovers.

Oh.

I saw them on the beach. They're friends.

- Oh.

- And Gemma said I was sensitive.

She wanked at me. I mean winked. Candice said you're all right.

- Candice?

- They want to meet us tonight.

Whoa.

Oh! And Eyeball Paul gave me this for you.

I'm really sorry, Kev. I didn't do it on purpose.

I couldn't sleep. I happened to be filming this lizard on a wall.

It crawled into your mum and dad's room.

I didn't notice them doing it,

this lizard was so interesting. And I'm really, really sorry.

Yeah, OK, OK, OK. You saw Eyeball Paul?

- Here, he said our mix was great.

- Really?

- He's going to play it tonight!

- BOTH:
Whoa!

Yeah, man!

- Cool!

- Rinsin'!

- Are you coming, Perry?

- Mr Patterson?

For a meal.

Oh, yeah.

Euurrrgh!

- Kevin!

- What now?

Pick up the tie and give it to me.

- I am not your slave!

- See you later!

- He's happy.

- He's horrible.

- Can I get in the front with you?

- Don't be so pants!

Put that down like that or up like that.

You could put it down like that.

Put it up like that.

I like it like this, though.

HE WHISTLES:

Here you are, lads. Your mix.

On white label.

BOTH:
Whoa...

Ah!

Can we feel it, please?

Boom.

Oh...

Oh...

HORN BEEPS:

- Ladies.

- Coming clubbing, ladies?

All right, Candice?

Kevin.

We're playing our new mix tonight, isn't it, Eyeball Paul?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

It's on white label now,

but it'll be on general release soon, probably.

Your little minxes look impressed.

TYRES SCREECH:

F***!

- Baz, you daft bastard!

- Sorry, boss.

Jesus!

- Can I sit on your knee?

- Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, me, too.

- What was that about?

- A puppy in the road.

You should have flattened it!

- BOTH:

- No!

- You've got to be kind to puppies.

We love all furry animals.

Kevin's sensitive about God's creatures.

- Innit?

- It is. And Perry.

Tit!

It's been a fantastic holiday, love.

- Just what we needed.

- The boys needed a break.

Isn't that them?

Don't worry, lads. I can manage.

- Let's go in.

- Don't be so silly!

They won't see us with all those people. It'll be an experience.

Aren't you curious?

- This is it, Pel.

- Kev? Let's mash it up.

DANCE MUSIC:

CROWD CHEERS:

- How much?! You're joking!

- No concessions for senior citizens.

It's so loud!

Right, lads.

Here we go.

RECORD STARTS:

CROWD CHEERS:

# All I wanna do is do it, innit...

- MRS PATTERSON:

- # Ooh, ooh, Ray

# Oh, Ray!

# Oh, Ray...

# Oh, oh...

# Oh, oh...

# Oh... Oh... Oh...

# Oh! Oh!

HE LAUGHS:

# Ray!

# Ah!

# Big girl

# Oh! Oh!

# Oh!

# Gemma...

# Oh, Ray!

# Lick my love plank

# Candice, suck my candy

- I'm famous!

- And me!

- BOTH:

- We love you!

# All I wanna do is do it, innit

# Big girl

# Oh, Ray! #

That's enough of that sh*t.

CROWD BOO:

- No!

- Get off!

Dance, you scumbags!

Move, you Balearic bastards!

CROWD CHANTS:
"Ooh, Ray! Ooh, Ray!"

Right! You want a piece of this sh*t? You can each have a bit of it.

- Don't do that, boss.

- You're fired!

CROWD CHEERS:

CROWD CHANT:
"Ooh, Ray! Ooh, Ray!"

Well, lads, it's over to you.

CHANTING CONTINUES

RECORD BEGINS AGAIN

CROWD CHEERS:

# Oh, Ray...

# Oh, oh! Oh, oh!

# Big girl... #

Oh, Ray...

It's beautiful, innit?

- Like you, innit.

- It is. HE LAUGHS

- Is that you shagging on the record?

- Yeah. Might be.

- Who's the bird?

- My mum.

Oh, no! I mean... I never done it before.

- Er... It wasn't me.

- Were you a virgin?

No.

So was I.

HE LAUGHS:

Kev!

Yeah?

Have you done it yet?

Yeah.

So have I.

Well done. Wahey!

Here, did you give it to Candice large?

- I think so!

- Oi!

GROANING:

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

Sign this!

Thanks. I shagged Kevin before he was famous.

You are not my mate and you are not my fellow DJ!

Goodbye... HE LAUGHS

- Mr and Mrs Patterson, could I have a jam sandwich, please?

- SHE LAUGHS

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