Kill Your Friends Page #3

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the experimental approach?

- Oh, yeah, of course.

- Oi, oi!

- Let's rock.

- Bloke says they're strong.

Yeah, so maybe we should only do half.

- Bollocks.

- F*** off.

This is the sharp end of the record industry.

Our jobs involve making fast decisions

with hundreds of thousands

even millions of pounds at stake.

These decisions are made

under the influence of drugs,

alcohol, peer pressure and fear.

The fear is constant because,

and you must understand this,

none of us have a f***ing clue

what we're doing.

Darren!

Yeah! F***ing massive!

We verbally agreed the deal, OK?

Hey! OK?

Oh, f***.

Yeah, this is Rudi. Leave a message.

Rudi, Rudi, it's Steven.

Look, we definitely want the record.

Please call me back, OK?

- Hello?

- Steven! Hey, it's Rudi.

Rudi, Rudi.

Listen, I definitely want the record.

You're a little late now, man..

Already did the deal with Tony Parker Hall.

You f***ing Nazi... F***!

Hello? Hello?

Have you actually signed the contract yet?

Well, I haven't signed the contract yet,

but we sort of have

like a verbal agreement, you know?

OK, Rudi. How much?

I mean, come on.

You know I'm a man of my word, right?

How much?

- Hundred?

- Sixty.

- Hundred.

- No, that's too much.

60,000.

All right, deal.

Trellick will call you.

We're now in scary territory.

60 grand for a one-off single means

we'll have to have a proper hit.

Number 18's no use to anyone.

This piece of sh*t will have to be top five minimum

for me to walk away with any kind of dignity.

As some of you will have heard,

Steven came back from Midem last week

where he signed the hottest dance

record of the convention.

It's blowing up in Europe and

I'm sure we're gonna have a huge hit with it here.

It's very risque, but...

Yeah, I've done a new edit with alternative lyrics.

Right, now, we're gonna

take the edit straight to radio,

moving the original mix out to all the club DJs...

Have we got some video treatments in?

Yeah, well, with the budget being quite low...

Derek loves the record.

The marketing department love the record.

The radio department love the record.

I have tooled back from Cannes

bearing the cure for cancer.

I see this one... as the first single.

Just go with it...

and let it take you on a journey.

In a way,

you've almost got to respect the mad bastard.

He's taken half a million quid of our money

to fund his own cocaine-induced mind orchestra.

On a more positive note,

I must get the number of Rage's dealer,

because the gear the c*nt is getting

is clearly f***ing phenomenal.

It's called...

Birth.

Decided to pursue fresh opportunities...

Apparently the cretin begged for his life.

You know what they say about Schadenfreude.

Is that the trip-hop mob?

Signed to Deconstruction last year?

- Did you see that review I left out?

- What review?

Why do I bother? Here.

That band I was telling you about, The Lazies.

Great review of their EP in the NME.

Great.

- Steven?

- Hi, Milly.

- Can you send him up, please?

- Yeah, I will do.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

Derek wants to see you.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man?

In the land of the blind, Rebecca...

About the Brits, can you speak

to those clowns at the cab company?

Make sure they send someone

who's actually set foot in London before.

Traffic will be a nightmare.

You'll be quicker on the tube.

- The f***ing what?

- The tube, Steven.

How amusing.

The stage is now set for this year's Brit Awards,

with smash sensation Ellie Crush tipped...

...to pick up a handful of awards.

Thought you might like to hear from the

plugging team how your dance hit is shaping up.

Right, well, Radio 1 don't think it's for them.

Maybe if it was bigger at club,

we'd have more ammunition.

Derek, mate,

we've done a massive mail out, but...

It just seems to be the kind of track that needs

a bit more radio before the club DJs pick up on it.

F***.

There's a good review in Mixmag.

Are you telling me we've paid a hundred grand

to get a review in f***ing Mixmag?

So, where do we take

this c*nt of a record from here?

It's got me in the eye.

Derek hates the record.

The marketing department hate the record.

The radio department hate the record.

In a bizarre alchemic process perhaps

unique to the entertainment industry,

the cancer cure I brought back from Cannes

has mysteriously morphed into

something closer to the cause of AIDS.

Girl power!

- Suck my root.

- Why's that fat c*nt so happy?

Check out Ellie f***ing Crush, man.

- Ellie!

- Tony!

Three Brits and, surprise, surprise,

Derek's right up

Parker Hall's night fighter.

Success has a thousand fathers, Steven.

Failure is an orphan.

Excuse me, darling.

- Oi, oi, Stelfox.

- Danny.

How you doing? Some birds in here!

What happened with that

Suck My Dick thing you signed at Midem?

We're doing some more mixes.

What you got going on?

I wanna come see you, actually.

This girl band I'm managing...

- You want a Rockschool?

- Yeah.

Five double Jack and Coke, please, darling.

- What are they called?

- The Songbirds. You get it?

F***ing girl power and all that bollocks.

- See Roger's celebrating.

- How's that?

Well, I hear he's your new head of A&R.

Where are you hearing that?

Derek's PA let it slip to Ted

in my office earlier on.

I think he's gonna get it.

Thank you, darling.

Two, three...

Keep the change, all right?

Stevie.

Enjoy. I'll give you a bell about the band.

- Yeah.

- Sorry, darling.

Sometimes, as a mantra to calm myself

during moments of stress or anxiety,

I find it soothing to repeat all

the different words I know for cocaine.

Gak, chang, nose-up, bag, beak, charlie,

krell, powder, chisel, bump,

posh, bugle, sniff, skiwear...

That's the problem with chasing

these one-off dance records, you know.

The stakes are so high.

I mean, sometimes you...

You know, that's why I think

it'll be a good thing, David going, you know.

It'll give us a chance

to have a proper A&R department

where we sign some real artists with longevity,

you know,

great British songwriters like, say...

You know, say...

- Paul Weller?

- Yeah.

I mean,

he writes most of his own stuff, doesn't he?

Yeah, yeah, I believe he does.

Roger, why are you talking like this?

Why are you banging on about

your vision for the department?

- I don't know, man.

- Have they offered you David's job?

Derek told me not to say anything.

Trellick doesn't even know yet.

It's no reflection on you, Steven.

It's just it's not great timing for you,

you know, after what happened

with Rudi's dance track and...

You know, I don't want it to seem

like you're suddenly working for me.

We're working together.

Racket, bink, bump, bronson,

bolivian, toot, junior,

chas, nonsense, bounce...

Well, congratulations. Well done, mate.

- F***ing result.

- Thanks.

You got any more champagne?

It's in the fridge.

Obviously I'd be lying if I said I hadn't

thought about running the department before.

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