Killing Hasselhoff Page #2

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Let's give a warm welcome to our founder

and CEO, Mr Richard Mayweather.

Welcome.

All right, let's get down to business.

Now, company profits

have stalled in the third quarter.

I've been thinking long and hard

about how to turn things around

and here's some thoughts.

I want you to consider the difference

between steel and pudding.

They're both made out of molecules...

Sebastian!

It seems, my lady,

that my manhood has sprung to attention.

My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!

I wish to ravish you on this table!

Sebastian! Yes, please!

Ravish away, Sebastian.

- My previous lover never gave me...

- Don't... Don't do that!

That's right, Fishman.

We can no longer stay passive.

My desire must be sated

in the most forbidden of places.

Now dispose of your skirt

and prepare to receive many sweet reams.

Oh! Yes!

No!

You're not f***ing her, do you hear?

I'll kill you, you son of a b*tch!

I'll rip your love muscle right off!

Do you hear me? I'll kill you!

- This is gonna be a big money night!

- It f***ing better be.

Chris, you worry too much about money.

Look at me.

I have two pairs of pants, two pairs

of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy.

- Yeah, cos you're always high.

- Yeah, I forgot about that.

You even have weed in your hair.

Just a big...

I've been looking all over for you!

I better go smoke this.

Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes,

it means I forgot to come back.

- What was I doing again?

- Good luck, Rob.

Every time he walks away I feel like

it's the last time I'll ever see him.

Amazing, tonight, everybody.

Simply amazing.

Has he still got it?

Hell, you never lost it.

Habitat, here we come!

Barry? Let's go to Orchid.

Orchid it is.

Hey, Barry.

Everything is all set

for Mr Hasselhoff's arrival,

so what's the ETA?

Chris, unfortunately we're not gonna

be able to make it tonight.

Mr Hasselhoff has changed his mind.

- One of his many talents.

- What the hell are you talking about?

Well, we need someplace

a little fancier, you know?

Are you f***ing kidding me?

We had a deal!

You are mistaken

if you think that cussing and yelling

is gonna make us magically appear

at your shitty little club.

Let me speak to David Hasselhoff

directly, please.

Bye, cocksucker. Goodbye.

Hello?

F***!

He's not coming.

Maybe I should go home.

Boss, we got us a little problem.

- Who's in the VIP suite?

- Jenna D'Andrea.

- And that's a problem why?

- She's only 16.

- What?!

- It shows that you signed off on her,

which is weird as hell

cos the girl's on a kids' TV show.

Oh, sh*t!

- You Ricky's dude with the X?

- No, I'm the owner.

Well, your name ain't on the guest list.

What? The owner ain't gotta be

on the guest list, homie!

Hey, let him in. He's cute.

I've always wanted to have sex

with a tiny Asian man.

It's on my f***-it list!

- Hi. I need to talk...

- Don't talk, eat this.

- What was that?

- It's a lude, man.

Lude? What the f*** are you?

A Vietnam vet?

No negativity here. Positive vibes only.

You need to grow.

- Speaking of grow...

- No, no, no!

Mom!

It's always so good to see

my little girl making new f*** buddies.

- You're her mom?

- Yeah.

We're just trying

to ditch that kiddie-star rep

and stir up some controversy.

No, no! OK, well, this time is over.

What the f*** is going on

in my VIP suite?

Oh, my...

And the mom?! You disgust me.

I will not stand by

and have you turn

this Judeo-Christian-friendly

Hollywood nightclub

into a f***ing whorehouse. Huh?

So, Grace Jones,

stop making out with white Grace Jones.

Girl from The Ring? Flacco and Chalupa?

Pack up your d*ldos,

batten down your anal beads

and take this orgy to the streets

where you belong

because this party is over.

This party ain't over

till I say it's over, b*tch.

My eyes! My eyes!

Insanity outside

a Hollywood nightclub last night.

A huge star

being smuggled out undercover

after claims of being sexually abused

by the nightclub owner.

So who is this woman?

It's child star Jenna D'Andrea,

claiming that Chris Kim,

owner of Hollywood club Habitat,

sexually assaulted her.

She says that he put his face

in her crotch.

- Annie, listen.

- I don't wanna hear it, Chris.

I mean, seriously,

I feel like this is a bad dream.

Me too! It's a f***ing nightmare.

I just...

I know you're furious

but can you at least hear me out?

How long have you been doing this?

Doing what?

I haven't done anything they said I did.

Really? So you weren't doing coke

and groping an underage girl?

I saw it, Chris. The whole world saw it!

- My mom called me crying last night.

- F***. Your mom saw it.

Everybody's mom saw it!

This is a ridiculous misunderstanding.

You gotta believe me.

You know, I'm a teacher, Chris.

My students watch her show.

Just imagine what I'm gonna deal with

at work tomorrow!

Annie...

Will you just go?

Please. Just go.

Annie...

I'm broke, lost my fiance

and the Hoff just won't die.

Can we change the sad music, please?

God, I'm pathetic.

- You wearing a wire?

- Why would I wear a wire?

That's what people say

when they are wearing a wire.

Now it's time to spread 'em.

- Fine. Go ahead.

- Sorry. Just doing my job, guy.

Hey! Hey!

Is your job supposed to be checking

for a tiny listening device

strapped to my taint?

- In a sense, that's exactly what it is.

- Fantastic.

- Your mother must be very proud.

- Yeah, she is, actually.

I'm her favourite. Where do you fall

in your family's pecking order?

I'm guessing somewhere near the bottom.

- I saw you on TV this morning.

- I didn't do it. Not any of it.

The old I didn't do it.

Popular phrase in this town.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work.

- OK.

- Sorry.

- No.

- OK.

Mr Kim, so today is payday.

Mr Wasserstein,

I'm actually asking for an extension.

An extension? That's a...

That's a ballsy request.

No, I just need a little more time.

Just, just anything.

Mr Kim,

if you'll indulge me a brief story.

I call it the parable of the loaves.

Jesus Christ.

Years ago there was a ten-year-old boy

living in Brooklyn.

His mother was crazy.

His father a drunk.

So naturally he had

to fend for himself most of the time

and in that he was hungry,

he took to stealing scraps of bread

from a local baker.

They knew and it was no big deal.

But soon enough, the boy got cocky.

He started stealing more and more.

Now, the baker had a son

around the same age as this little boy

and one day the baker's son witnessed

the boy stuffing an entire loaf of bread

down into his drawstring pantaloons.

Now, stealing scraps, that's one thing.

I'm sure you would agree an entire loaf,

well, that's another matter entirely.

So for three months

the baker's son beat the boy bloody,

until it was certain

that he had learned his lesson.

That boy who stole the bread...

- That was you?

- What? No. F***, no.

I was the boy who beat the sh*t

out of that boy. The baker's son.

The point is this, Mr Kim.

You owe me $400,000

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