Killing Hasselhoff Page #4

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I found in your garden.

I've had a couple. They're fine.

Sinkhole? You hear about those big holes

that suddenly appear?

It was on the news.

Half a town's been swallowed up?

Get him into one of those towns.

Anyway, it's all in there. You take it.

It's out of my hands now, see?

Now, don't show that to Sebastian

on your way out, will you?

I know what you're thinking.

I've mended my bridges.

This is for you, to burn yours.

Thank you so much. Thank you, Fish.

- Get well.

- All right. Good.

Wait! Check it out.

David Hasselhoff

has a shellfish allergy.

- That's my phone.

- Yeah, sorry about that. I just...

I've learnt a bit of light finger

in here.

Anyway, that could help you out.

Shellfish allergy.

- OK. Thanks.

- OK. All right. Go.

Oh, wait.

Here.

Thirty Lorazepaz, all right?

It says do not mix with grapefruit

juice. Could cause fatal reaction.

Might help you on your job.

- OK, thank you.

- OK. Good.

- You know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Wait!

Take that as well.

Quick, before they see the switch.

I'm fine.

All right.

Time to kill Hasselhoff.

To be clear, this isn't about me.

I'm doing society a favour.

OK, maybe it is about me,

but I had to gather some intel first.

Cover your grey chest hair.

David Hasselhoff!

I come bearing wonderful gifts.

Is your manager

like the Penguin or something?

Eight fantastic scripts.

Not interested. What, you didn't

get my email last night?

Yeah, I got it.

- Are you drinking again?

- No, no.

No.

So you were thinking clearly

when you sent me that email

that said two words,

superhero musical?

- Superhero musical?

- Crystal. Let's go down the list.

First of all,

I have the voice of an angel.

I look phenomenal in tights.

I'm stronger than most men.

Even though I don't have

superhuman strength per se, I...

All right.

Let's just not forget something.

You're David Hasselhoff.

You're not Christian Bale.

Let me finish.

Christian Bale

wishes he was David Hasselhoff.

Thank you. Come on.

I'm super famous all over the world.

I mean, hell, in half of Europe

I am a goddamn superhero!

Barry, I know what your problem is.

When you look at me you see this

perfectly chiselled tanned exterior.

What you don't see underneath

is this complicated human heart I have.

I wanna show the world the real me.

I wanna go full Hoff.

Just read one script!

I'm begging you. Please!

Look, if it's a rights issue,

we could create our own superhero.

Like Electric Man.

He could shoot lightning bolts

out of his dick.

- It isn't a rights issue.

- What?

Do you remember

what we talked about last week?

Obtainable goals. Obtainable.

Barry, I have driven a talking car.

I have saved people's lives

from mutant electric eels.

- On TV!

- And in real life.

You have an autograph signing

in two hours. Let's just focus on that.

Because that is real.

And I am a goddamn certified

modern-day superhero.

And I am going to prove it to you.

Love you.

Mean it.

Great. Now I've gotta kill a guy

who shoots lightning out of his dick.

Sit down.

Sit. May I?

Please, relax.

I realise this is probably

a highly unpleasant situation for you

so let's do some deep breathing

so as to better centre ourselves.

What do you say?

All right.

There. All better.

I want you to tell me

where I can find Chris Kim.

- I don't know where he is.

- Bullshit. Start talking, lady.

It's... it's the truth. I swear.

He thinks I slept with his best friend.

- I haven't been in touch with him.

- Who gives a f***?

Chris tells me that you two

share a joint bank account?

- I would like to see that.

- It's basically empty.

Chris is terrible with money.

He's in way over his head.

- Yes. He is.

- Please don't hurt him.

Little lady, please don't be confused

by my tranquillity.

You're sitting with a man

who does bad things to good people.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

You can check. There's nothing.

My cheque book is in there. You can...

You expect me to believe

he has nothing? No investments?

No 401K? IRA? Nothing at all?

He doesn't have any investments.

He's...

Unless David Hasselhoff drops dead,

he's basically destitute.

Wait. Excuse me. What was that?

- He doesn't have any money.

- Not that part. The talking-car guy.

- What are you talking about?

- Hasselhoff.

Chris is in some stupid

celebrity death pool with his friends.

If David Hasselhoff dies, he wins

something like a half a million dollars.

Half-mil if the Hoff kicks the bucket?

F*** me. I want a piece of that.

Yeah, you know what? I do too.

All right. Thank you very much for

your time. We'll see ourselves out.

Nick, what's the name of that place

we passed on the way in?

- Cattleman's?

- Yeah. I could use a steak.

Sounds good. Maybe a blooming onion.

Should I leave this closed or open?

I'll just leave it open.

Be damned if this jacket

doesn't fit just like a glove.

- David, you look great.

- Like a second skin, Barry.

You know, I hate to sound egotistical,

but if I was a woman, I would...

You'd do yourself. Yes, I know.

You said that inside already.

And honestly, buddy, there's no way to

say that without sounding egotistical,

so you just might wanna

pump the brakes on that one.

OK, let's get going. We're running late.

- KITT, calculate time to destination.

- Calculating, Michael.

Time to destination

12 minutes, 14.63 seconds.

Oh, no, no. I missed a spot.

- Thanks, buddy.

- Seriously?

- How much is he paying you?

- Nothing. He...

He's hooking me up with a part

in his superhero musical, man.

- But there is no superhero mu...

- But there will be.

There will be.

KITT, engage super pursuit mode.

Super pursuit mode engaged, Michael.

If you've never been,

let me assure you

that Venice Beach is batshit crazy.

So if ever there was a town

where I could blend in

and inconspicuously kill the star

of Knight Rider, this was it.

Spend a lot of time in the panty-grab,

huh? Just kidding!

Hi. Excuse me.

Can I have one large pizza?

- Here you go. Keep the change.

- Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Jessica and Rose.

You look good in that bathing suit.

Hell, you'll never drown!

There you go, Rose.

Have a lovely day and call me later.

I loved you as Nick Fury.

You look just like me.

Barry, get his number.

If I ever wanna f*** myself,

I'll give you a call.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Special delivery coming through.

Excuse me.

Barry, feeling a little dry.

Next.

Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.

So sorry about that. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hell, no. Are you tryin' to cut?

I'm not trying to cut

and get an autograph.

I'm here to make a special delivery

to your overlord.

Each of us aspires

to receive sage wisdom from the Hoff.

- Yeah!

- That's right, yeah!

What is with you guys?

Are you guys, like, a gang?

We're just fans, bro.

Hoff army! Hoff army!

- Dude, and, like, that's normal?

- I'm sorry. Am I not normal?

Oh, you're very normal, Professor Klump,

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