Killing the Joneses Page #4

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to book a lesson with you, Will.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm. You teach, don't you?

Well, yeah,

mostly to kids.

l saw you out there

the other day.

You got a sweet swing.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

Sorry.

How was your day today?

Fine.

ow was yours?

Good.

You know,

l wanted to talk to you,

uh, about our conversation.

Oh, forget about it.

Business is business.

Okay, nice.

A little more weight

on your back foot there.

Back foot?

Yeah.

Nice.

Will, I do believe you just

added 40 yards to my drive.

You're a magician.

Let me see that driver.

Will, thanks for pairing me up

with those guys today.

ey, no problem, Mr. Jones.

Who am I playing

with tomorrow?

Don't worry. l got a great

threesome lined up for you.

You the man.

Cool shirt, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

Under Armour.

lf you're looking for drivers,

these are the best.

l was on the course today,

and Mr. Jones drove a 320.

It was awesome.

Whoa, nice shot, Charlie.

I wish I could take credit.

The kid in the clubhouse

turned me on to those

new Mizunos.

hat kid's got the scoop

on everything.

- ennis, huh?

- Yeah, doubles with

Melanie and the girls.

- Cute outfit.

- Your numbers are looking good.

Thanks, boss.

Great, Steve.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Hand rolled

from Cuban seeds.

ey, you want to join us

for drinks later?

Uh, what, are you kidding?

First round's on me, boys.

Nice watch.

Hey, whoever dies

with the most toys wins.

No, don't be silly. Let me-

Let me help you with this.

Well, l'll invite

some friends over,

and then you can bring

whatever mask over

that you'd like to try.

We're gonna absolutely

help you get some new customers,

and we'll have a nice time.

All right, Summer.

No problem.

Yes.

Doesn't it feel wonderful?

It's the Robustion

"Replenishingister" Mask,

and it's got ginkgo

and wasabi extract.

his house is gorgeous.

Can you get over the furniture?

More champagne, ladies?

It's all the latest

Ethan Allen.

He's got fabulous things.

I know because l was just

at the design center myself

yesterday Iooking at new things.

Ladies, l just came

from the washroom,

and the toilet seat raised up

and waved to me.

Well!

Whoo!

Well, l hope that

you introduced yourself.

Huh?

- o oto, my okyo toilet.

- Toto?

Well, if that's oto,

then just call me the Wizard.

'Cause it gave me a power wash

to my undercarriage,

and a happy-ending blow-dry.

Whoo-hoo!

And let me just say,

with a friend like Toto,

that you are never lonely.

Where is that fabulous

husband of yours?

Ah, golfing, where else?

A man's work

is never done, huh?

Never.

Honey, l am home.

Speak of the devil.

I missed you today.

Well, hello.

- Oh.

- Hmm.

Good afternoon, ladies.

My, my.

That's what I'm talking about.

So, what was that?

Just applying myself.

Don't tell me the ladies

weren't impressed.

Wh-

ey, Jones.

erry was totally

checking you out.

im? Please.

What's wrong with him?

Yeah, he's hot.

l date men.

Excuse me?

Who's "the Hammer"?

What?

You guys are gonna

have to go on without me.

No way.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna go see a friend.

ls he cute?

Don't get kidnapped.

ey, do you have any more

of those diet pills?

Yes, oh, yes

That's the best

Do you wanna go

on ilt-O-Whirl

Come on, girl

ave you seen these guys before?

They're pretty good.

Yep. My brother's

really into them.

You'll meet him

when he comes home.

Cool.

l gotta go.

l can't be late for

my therapist appointment.

Oh, shrinks, no.

No, shrinks suck.

Yeah, well,

it keeps my parents

off my back so-

Yeah, l guess that's important.

- I like it when you say

you've got a gun

- Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure, what?

How come you've never

tried anything with me?

l don't know.

l like you, Mick.

You're not like the rest of

those lame posers around here.

Well, l like you too.

Do you like my ponytail

Good.

My sideways ponytail

It's true, it's true

What are you doing?

Hey.

Um, l thought you guys

had already-

What?

Left.

Yeah, we're just

about to leave.

Well, um, then can l

borrow some L'Artisan?

Why do you want it?

I'm going to a party.

Well, l mean,

there are gonna be kids

from other schools there,

so l thought

I'd work every angle.

ls that a brand

you really think

they'd be interested in?

Oh, God, yeah, Kate.

l mean, kids these days are

totally wearing upscale brands.

- Huh. Okay.

- Thank you.

Good luck.

And where are the Joneses

taking the kids for break?

Oh, well, we're so excited.

We're going on safari in Kenya.

Yeah, yeah.

It's this amazing outfit.

Spaulding and Kent Tours.

They do everything for you.

They've done

all of our family trips.

They're the best.

- Really?

Oh, yes. I mean, every time.

You should give them

the contact.

Oh, I will.

- l'm going to the ladies' room.

- Okay.

Steve? Steve CerrilIa.

lt is you.

l couldn't believe it.

I just saw you from over there.

How are you doing?

Where you been, man?

I'm an old friend of Steve's.

My name is Henry.

Cerrilla?

Where you been?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Excuse me,

but I-I think you're

sitting in my wife's seat.

Wife? his guy

was the biggest stud

in Scottsdale, Arizona.

- Excuse me, this is my seat.

- Oh, you're serious?

Oh, my goodness.

I-I- This is-

You finally tamed

the savage beast, huh?

Unbelievable. Come here.

- l'm sorry.

- I am so happy for you.

You know, l, uh-

I'm Henry. I'm an old

friend of Steve's.

l wish that I knew you,

but I think you've got me

mistaken with somebody else.

l think you've made a mistake.

I don't think-

Are you-

- l'm not that guy.

- What?

Could you please

come with me, sir?

A breath of fresh air.

- l don't need air.

- Walk this way.

What are you talking about?

I don't get it.

That's not cool, dude.

l am terribly, terribly sorry.

- Please enjoy your dinner.

- Whoa.

That was odd.

That was weird.

That is like the third time

since we've been here...

that somebody's mistaken you

for this Steve Cer-

as it been three times?

Yes.

- l get mistaken

for someone a lot, but-

- Really?

it's usually iger Woods.

Anyway-

Do you have some kind

of secret life going on?

Baby, you bet l do.

- To secret lives.

- To secret lives.

Cheers.

You look like

you could use a drink.

Thank you.

l think the kids

must be working late.

You know, Jenn,

l- l don't know

if she's taking my advice,

but I- l actually think that

she's starting to get it.

Oh, you smell great.

It's L'Artisan.

Oh, yes.

You Iike that, baby?

Here you go,

super-stud of Scottsdale.

Well, it's not as big

of an achievement as it sounds.

lt was more of

a retirement community.

You know the great thing

about this job?

What?

You get to be

whoever you want to be.

Yeah? But l'm not

Steve Jones, you know.

l'm a single, 45-year-old,

failed golf pro,

car salesman,

pretending

to be someone I'm not.

l know who you are.

Stop.

What?

We can't.

Why not?

This part is pretend.

ls it?

lt has to be.

Good night.

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