Kind Hearts And Coronets Page #6

in which we take a pride.

I should be most interested.

Our most notable features,

of course...

are the D'Ascoyne memorials.

Every member of the family...

to a cadet branch

of which I have the honor to belong...

is buried here in the family vault.

Here you will see

the first duke and his duchess.

The dead watching, as it were,

over the living.

The church is exceptionally

endowed also...

with items of architectural interest.

You will note that our chantry...

displays the crocketed

and finialed ogee...

which marks it

as very early perpendicular.

The bosses to the pendant

are typical.

And I always say...

that my west window...

has all the exuberance of Chaucer...

without, happily...

any of the concomitant crudities

of his period.

Hmm.

At last he did

as I had hoped and invited me to dinner.

The Reverend Lord Henry was not

one of those newfangled parsons...

who carry the principles of their vocation

uncomfortably into private life.

However,

he exhibited a polite interest...

in the progress of the Christian faith

in Matabeleland...

which I was at some difficulty

to satisfy.

The S.P.C.K. have provided us...

with a large number of copies

of the good book...

translated into Matabele.

But as none of the natives can read

even their own language -

- You speak Matabele yourself?

- Not as a native.

It would be most interesting...

to hear a sample of the language.

I'm afraid my Matabele

is a little rusty.

Oh, come, my lord.

Daniel cast into the lions' den,

for example.

Daniel -

It is a colloquial rendering, of course.

Most interesting.

My lord, the port is with you.

Oh.

- How do you find the wine?

- Admirable.

- Cockburn '69.

- Oh.

No finer year,

in my view.

My doctor, though,

is of a different opinion.

And what does he favor?

Abstinence.

Would you care for a cigar?

Thank you.

Yes.

He's continually warning me

about the state of my arteries.

But I say to him...

"What possible harm can there be...

"in one glass of an evening...

or even two?"

What harm, indeed.

- You do not condemn me then?

- Not in the least.

If I may say so...

without disrespect to my superiors...

your visit has

brought me something...

which I could not expect

from any churchman in this country.

I surmised, correctly, as it proved...

that Lord Henry's doctor would assume

that he had succumbed to a surfeit of port...

and would politely ascribe

death to a heart attack.

On my return to London,

I decided to proceed methodically...

with the elimination of

the remaining minor obstacles.

Lady Agatha D'Ascoyne was a pioneer

in the campaign for women's suffrage.

With the inconvenient consequence

that her public appearances...

were invariably made under

the watchful eyes of the metropolitan police.

When she was not making

public appearances...

she was in prison

and still more inaccessible.

- In fact, before I could learn

of a favorable opportunity-

I had tojoin the movement myself.

Secret plans had been made

for Lady Agatha...

to celebrate her latest

release from Holloway...

by a shower ofleaflets over

Whitehall and the West End.

Anchor.

I shot an arrow in the air...

she fell to Earth

in Berkeley Square.

Admiral Lord Horatio D'Ascoyne

presented a more difficult problem.

He scarcely ever set foot ashore...

and I was beginning to feel that this task

was beyond even my ingenuity...

when he was conveniently

involved in a naval disaster...

which arose from a combination

of natural obstinacy...

and a certain confusion of mind-

unfortunate in one ofhis rank.

Bring her to port.

- Surely you mean starboard, sir.

- Port!

Both ships sank almost immediately...

though, fortunately,

all hands were saved-

save one.

Admiral Lord Horatio,

obstinate to the last...

insisted on going down

with his ship.

General Lord Rufus D'Ascoyne,

on the other hand...

who never tired of demonstrating

how he had fought...

the most calamitous campaign

of the South African War...

was a fairly easy proposition.

At that moment,

the concealed enemy...

emerged from behind the kopje.

I held our guns' fire until

we could see the whites of their eyes.

Then I gave the order. "Fire!"

Boom, boom, boom.

It seemed appropriate

that he who had lived amidst the cannon's roar...

should die explosively.

I therefore concealed

in a pot of caviar...

a simple but powerful

homemade bomb...

and through the post,

I sent the caviar to the general.

I pretended to be deceived by the feint...

and sent our horse to meet it.

At that moment, the concealed enemy

emerged from behind the kopje.

I held our guns' fire...

till we could see

the whites of their eyes.

Used to get a lot of this stuff

in the Crimea.

One thing the Russkies do really well.

Not an atom ofhim was left.

One could almost believe there was a curse

on our unfortunate family, Mazzini.

Indeed, sir, one could.

I don't know if you realize

how close this series of tragedies...

has brought you

to the succession.

- I had not actually given the matter any thought, sir.

- Then it's time that you did.

Do you not realize that you are

heir presumptive to the dukedom?

That is to say, in the event of

the present duke dying without issue...

I alone intervene

between you and the title.

And I am an old man.

I have never really recovered from

the first of these calamities.

You mean I might become

I mean that you almost

certainly will.

In view of that,

I feel it would be more fitting...

that you should cease to be

an employee here -

- Oh.

- and become instead my partner.

I am most deeply grateful and honored.

If you'll come round here,

I will make everything very clear to you.

Uh, had she lived, your mother, of course,

would have succeeded before you.

One of my first tasks as partner...

was to interview Lionel,

who came cap-

or rather,

silk hat in hand.

To save time, I presume you have called

to ask the renewal of your bill?

The fact is, old boy,

we sold short...

and the market hasn't

dropped as we expected.

I feel entitled

to point out that we here...

regard our function as the encouragement

of constructive investment...

and not the financing

of mere gambling transactions.

Ah -

It would have delighted me to refuse him.

However, a bankrupt Lionel

could hardly have continued...

to support Sibella

in her extravagances...

and I had no wish

to do so myself.

Very well. We will renew...

at three and a half percent.

I judged that

the time was now ripe to make a move...

in the matter

of Edith D'Ascoyne.

It's becoming cold.

Shall we go in?

I know why you shivered just now.

It was not because

you were cold.

No.

I couldn't help remembering.

I know.

But do you try to forget?

- I may sound harsh, but believe me -

- Please.

Not there.

Because it was Henry's chair.

It hasn't been used since that day.

Nothing of his.

Everything is just as he left it -

his writing desk, his clothes.

I cannot bear that

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