King Arthur

By 300 AD, the Roman Empire

extended from Arabia to Britain.

But they wanted more.

More land.

More peoples

loyal and subservient to Rome.

But no people so important

as the powerful Sarmatians to the east.

Thousands died on that field.

And when the smoke cleared on the fourth

day, the only Sarmatian soldiers left alive

were members ofthe decimated

but legendary cavalry.

The Romans, impressed by theirbravery

and horsemanship, spared theirlives.

In exchange, these warriors were

incorporated into the Roman military.

Better they had died that day.

(neighing)

Father.

They are here.

For the secondpart ofthe bargain they

struck indebted not only themselves...

The day has come.

..but also theirsons,

and theirsons, and so on,

to serve the empire as knights.

I was such a son.

There is a legend that

fallen knights return as great horses.

He has seen what awaits you,

and he will protect you.

Lancelot! Lancelot!

Lancelot.

Don't be afraid. l will return.

- How long shall we be gone?

- 1 5 years,

not including the months it'll take

to get to your post.

Lancelot!

(all shout out ''Rus!')

(Lancelot) Ourpost was Britain -

orat least the southern half,

for the land was divided by a 73-mile wall

built three centuries before us

to protect the empire from

the native fighters ofthe north.

So, as ourforefathers had done,

we made our way and reported

to ourRoman commanderin Britain,

ancestrally named for the firstArtorius,

orArthur.

Ah, as promised, the bishop's carriage.

- Our freedom, Bors.

- Mm. l can almost taste it.

And your passage to Rome, Arthur.

(horse whinnies)

Argh!

(warcries)

Woads!

(uproar, swords clinking)

Yaa-rgh!

Yah!

Argh!

Argh!

(triumphant cry)

Rus! Aagh!

Rus!

Rus.

Gratia plena, Dominus tecum. Benedicta

tu in mulieribus et Dominus tecum.

Benedicta tu in mulieribus.

Benedictus fructus ventris tui, Iesus.

Benedicta tu in mulieribus...

Save your prayers, boy.

Your god doesn't live here.

Why did Merlin send you south of the wall?

Spill my blood with Excalibur and...

make this ground holy.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

- Bors.

- What a bloody mess.

That's not the bishop.

God help us.

- What are they?

- Blue demons that eat Christians alive.

You're not a Christian, are you?

Does this really work?

(mutters gibberish)

Nothing.

Maybe l'm not doin' it right.

(man chuckling) Arthur!

Arthur Castus. Your father's image.

l haven't seen you since childhood.

Bishop Germanius. Welcome to Britain.

l see your military skills

are still of use to you.

Your device worked.

Ancient tricks of an ancient dog.

And these are the great Sarmatian knights

we have heard so much of in Rome.

l thought the Woads control

the north of Hadrian's Wall.

They do, but they

occasionally venture south.

Rome's anticipated withdrawal from Britain

has only increased their daring.

- (man) Woads?

- British rebels who hate Rome.

Men who want their country back.

- Who leads them?

- He's called Merlin.

A dark magician, some say.

Tristan, ride ahead

and make sure the road is clear.

Please do not worry, Bishop.

We will protect you.

Oh.

l've no doubt, Commander.

No doubt.

Dozens don't worry me

nearly so much as thousands.

Thousands?

Well, now that we're free men,

l'm gonna drink till l can't piss straight.

- You do that every night.

- l never could piss straight.

Too much of myself to handle...

down there.

Well, it's a problem.

No, really, it is. lt's a problem.

- lt's like a baby's arm holding an apple.

- (all) ..baby's arm holding an apple.

(laughter)

l don't like him, that Roman.

lf he's here to discharge us,

why doesn't he just give us our papers?

- ls this your happy face?

- (Bors laughs)

Galahad, do you still

not know the Romans?

They won't scratch their asses

without holding a ceremony.

Why don't you just kill him,

and then discharge yourself after?

l don't kill for pleasure, unlike some.

Well, you should try it someday.

You might get a taste for it.

- lt's a part of you. lt's in your blood.

- No, no, no. No.

As of tomorrow

this was all just a bad memory.

Ohh.

l've often thought about what going home

would mean after all this. What will l do?

lt's different for Galahad.

l've been in this life longer than the other.

So much for home.

lt's not so clear in my memory.

You speak for yourself. lt's cold back there

and everyone l know is dead and buried.

Besides, l have, l think, a dozen children.

Eleven.

You listen. When the Romans leave here,

we'll have the run of all this place.

l'll be governor in my own village

and Dagonet will be my personal guard

and royal ass-kisser. Won't you, Dag?

First thing l will do when l get home is

find a beautiful Sarmatian woman to wed.

A beautiful Sarmatian woman?

Why do you think we left in the first place?

(moos like a cow)

What about you, Lancelot?

What are your plans for home?

Well, if this woman of Gawain's

is as beautiful as he claims,

l expect to be spending

a lot of time at Gawain's house.

- His wife will welcome the company.

- l see. And what will l be doing?

Wondering at your good fortune

that all your children look like me.

ls that before or after l hit you with my ax?

(whistles)

Where you been, now? Where you been?

And what will you do, Arthur,

when you return to your beloved Rome?

Give thanks to God that l survived to see it.

You and your god! You disturb me.

l want peace, Lancelot. l've had enough.

- You should visit me.

- Ah!

lt's a magnificent place, Rome.

Ordered, civilized, advanced.

A breeding ground of arrogant fools.

The greatest minds in all the lands

have come together in one sacred place

to help make mankind free.

And the women?

(guard) Open the gate!

- Welcome back, Arthur.

- Jols.

Lancelot.

Bishop, please, my quarters

have been made available to you.

Oh, yes. l must rest.

(Bors chuckles lewdly)

- Where have you been?

- Oh...

- l've been waiting for you.

- Oh, my little flower. Such... passion!

Where's my Gilly? Gilly.

- You been fighting?

- Yes.

- You been winning?

- Yes.

That's my boy.

Come on, all my other bastards!

(all cheer)

Pelagius.

Very kind of Arthur to give up his room.

But, of course, it is to be expected.

(knocking)

Sir, l'm here to escort you

to the fortress hall.

When my master meets with your knights,

he must be seated last

and he must be seated

at the head of the table.

Your master can plonk his holy ass

wherever he chooses.

(laughter)

His Eminence, Bishop Naius Germanius.

A round table?

What sort of evil is this?

Arthur says for men to be men

they must first all be equal.

l was given to understand

there would be more of you.

There were. We have been

fighting here for 1 5 years, Bishop.

Oh, of course.

Arthur and his knights

have served with courage

to maintain the honor of Rome's empire

on this last outpost of our glory.

Rome is most indebted

to you noble knights.

To your final days

as servants to the empire.

Day. Not days.

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