Kissing Darkness

1

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my god!

It's nice!

That's what fresh air

smells like?

It's wilderness.

[LAUGHING]

Well, we better start packing

stuff in.

Let's get this day started.

Yeah.

[MUSIC]

Are you going to help?

I am helping!

No, you're standing there.

Going to go check

the place out...

claim a room or two...

for when the girls get here.

Wouldn't want to be

too close to you...

Keeping our poor precious awake

with all the moaning

and boning.

F*** you!

You wish, knob jockey!

[DOOR OPENING]

[DOOR CLOSING]

I can't believe we are missing

Pride weekend for this!

Yeah Brett!

Camping is bad enough,

not to mention you said anything

about bringing your

"rainbow in the dark", along!

Really guys?

When the idea of camping

first came up,

I practically had to beg him

to let us stay here.

Just give him a little time

to loosen up.

Something tells me

we didn't bring

enough lube

to loosen him up!

Very funny.

You know how he gets

when he is first around us.

The dude smells for one!

We don't need "his" cabin.

We can easily sleep in our tent.

B*tch please!

Like your tiny dick

can pitch a tent big enough

to accommodate all of us.

Better get some of

those magic growth pills

if that's your plan!

Ah!

[LAUGHING]

Sh*t!

[KNOCKING]

God! Damn it!

F***ing fairies...

Playing games already?

Sh*t, man!

B*tch,

I'll beat your ass for that!

[LAUGHING]

You straight boys

are too funny...

always wanting

to beat someone's ass.

Feel the tension baby!

Tight enough for ya?!

- Yeah, well...

- F*** you!

F*** you!

Get out here and give us a hand.

Besides,

this is his fathers cabin,

he kind of comes with the

package.

We wouldn't be here

if it wasn't for him,.

He isn't that bad,.

I'm not going to let that

muscle-bound fart machine

ruin my weekend.

Let's have some fun, boys.

[ANIMAL CALL]

Little late to help now

isn't it?

Where the hell are you going?

There's someone in here!

Yeah, you fucktard!

No really,

there is someone in here.

It sounds like it's coming

from the other room.

Remove the gerbil from your ass

already and grow up!

Swear, going to have to start

claiming you as one of the gays

if you keep the woman

in distress act up.

[MUSIC]

It's getting foggy out there.

I am so bored.

Is anyone getting

reception or

am I the only one with

the cheapo cereal-box phone?

It's all of us!

So, what do you think?

The "Cream Vanilla Scone"

candle

or the

"Raspberry-Lemon Sorbet"?

I don't know.

Besides, can't you forget about

Keith for just one week?

No! I miss him.

You are such a school-girl

when you're in love.

Shut up!

Look at you and Jonathan!

Just ever since he got this job,

we have a hard time to hang out

with each other.

This sucks.

Why are we even here?

I am sorry for thinking

we could all have fun

without doing something

gay for once.

Um hello?! We are gay!

You know what I mean guys.

I'm just so tired

of the scene...

The nightclubs,

the hookups, the sex...

Alright, maybe not the sex.

It just...

I want to do something normal

for a change.

- Like camping?

- Yeah.

And what an amazing

experience that was!

Exactly!

Did I mention I was bored?

Come on, you guys,

all have to be bored.

You too, Brad.

Can we please go back

in the morning?

Pride is just starting.

Please! Please!

I want to taste the rainbow!

I cannot believe this!

What?That you have perfected

the art of

taking your shirt off

for attention?

It's f***ing summertime and

you guys got the damn fire on.

It's hot as hell in here.

Summertime doesn't account

for it still being cold.

Can you give me that?

I'm freezing!

Then put some more

f***ing clothes on.

You guys are killing me!

What's with the glitter and

candles man?!

This is looking like the set

of a drag queen musical.

And you can stop

applying glitter.

It's there from the last time.

And, where are the girls?

Fleeing while they still can.

- Dude, what did you just say?

- Nothing,

Bullshit,

what did you just say?

I think it's funny

that I'm going to tell you

when I have sex with you.

Vlad and Jonathan sitting

in a tree... K-I-S...

Look at you...

All at giving me

the attention I deserve.

Cute!

Brett, better tell your

b*tch boy to shut his mouth

before I break his face!

What?

Bobby... Whitney! Stop it.

Talk about third grade drama.

Sh*t!

[STRANGE NOISES]

Come out, we have a gun!

[DOOR BANGING]

[DOOR BANGING]

Ah!

[ANIMAL CALL]

Monsters!

- Are you alright?

- No,

Did they get you?

My life ashed before my eyes

thanks to a family of raccoons.

I'm really dead now."

decaying right before your eyes.

Want to see?

- Really? Does it hurt?

- Only the first time...

- That's good!

- Ok, I'm totally fine.

It's just a family of raccoons,

I opened up the door

and they scurried off.

I knew that.

Big bad Vlad and his Gucci-gun,

afraid of a cute little raccoon.

You ran too.

How much more of this charade

must we deal with.

You know what? F*** this.

I'm hitting the shower.

Better not catch any of you

b*tches trying to sneak a peek.

No worries there.

Novelty wears off in

closet-cases like you fast.

Stop it! Stop, stop, stop!

Until when must we deal with the

charade of Jerry Springerness?

Alright?

I'm going to go wash my face...

And then after that,

we going to get a drink.

One, two, three or thirty.

Where's the alcohol?!

[LAUGHING]

Another round!

Ooh,

Oh, oh!

R's all gone!

Stupid!

Stow!

Every last drop.

No!

We need more!

Vlad? Where does

daddy keep more at?

Yeah Vlad, you got anymore?

Candy!

Dinnertime!

Tasty taste surprise!

You're such a crack whore!

Am I the only one who's

not drunk around here?

Maybe if you weren't on a liquid

diet to begin with?!

Who doesn't know he is drunk?

Meat? No! Salad? No,

give him a straw and

a bottle, you know.

[LAUGHING]

Seriously?

I like... definitely could use

another drink... Vladly?

[STRANGE NOISES]

Do you guys hear something?

Yeah, I think my dad has

an entire box somewhere.

From the family reunion,

last summer.

Someone'; coming?!

Not yet!

[LAUGHS]

So Ash,"

Do you still wet the bed?

You know I stopped that

like a year...

...a year ago?

I solved that two years ago!

Well don't...

Water sports can be hot.

See, Vlad is loosening up

as we speak.

[LAUGHING]

See, I told you he would.

[LAUGHING]

Alcohol has a way of loosening

up the tightest of asses.

[MUMBLING]

Now".

If only the hot ones weren't

always such "closet" cases,

we'd be on the right track!

[LAUGHING]

You guys want to play a game?

Spin the bottle?

I thought we only played that

when we were at home alone...

Maybe later. Now screw off!

Oh, hell no!

Witches used to use

that to summon the devil!

You put that exactly

back where you found it.

Why does your family have

a Ouija board?

A few Halloweens ago, my Dad

thought it would be a good idea

to celebrate by scaring us.

Some family...

Explains why you need help.

[LAUGHS]

So what do you guys say?

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