Knights of Badassdom

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In the 16th Century,

the mystic John Dee

wrote the "Sigillum Aemeth",

a book of musical chants

that were meant to summon angels,

but brought forth demons instead.

Fearing the unholy power

of his dark songs,

Dee tried to destroy

the book, but failed.

Sought by sorcerers and

dark rulers for centuries,

the book had been lost...

Until now.

Bequeath protection

upon thine followers

who walketh in the footsteps

of Vinsibas Aroptum.

Vinsibas Aroptum.

And your appeasement of

the gods of Vinsibas...

Have failed.

What seven blood packs

not enough, Ronnie?

Yeah, this sh*t's never coming

out of my tunic, by the way.

I don't know what to

tell you guys, okay?

The appeasement...

The appeasement fails?

- It's bullshit.

- You failed, Eric.

Okay... Maybe if you made

a meaningful sacrifice.

Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.

What do you want from me?

We're out here in the woods

in the middle of the night.

We got our robs on...

We nailed the chant.

Come on.

We had everything the

game plan laid out.

It's time that you leveled us up.

You can't just keep failing

my appeasements forever.

- I'm sorry...

- F you, Hung.

The appeasement fails because

Eric wasn't meaning it.

- He wasn't being meaningful.

- Bullshit, Ronnie.

Shut up, Hung, I don't know

what to tell you guys.

Sometimes I don't know who's

harder to appease, Ronnie.

- The gods of Vinsibas or you.

- If you don't stop

complaining, the gods of Vinsibas are

going to curse all your characters

with a case of evil herpes!

- Bullshit!

- Eric, you failed.

- What the f***?

- Maybe if you made

a meaningful sacrifice.

Guys, how will we taste triumph at

Evermore with this weak bullshit?

Fear not, Sir Reginald, for

I have just the magic needed.

Excuse me while I whipith this out.

What was that?

Hey, Dude, what's that?

What?

Oh sh*t!

That hurts.

Eat paint, haunted f***ers!

Help... Help!

This'll teach you to play your

f***ing wizard game in our woods.

Yeah, run!

Run, you freaks...

And don't ever come back.

Ah!

Hey, check this sh*t out.

Harry Pooper dropped his book.

Yeah, tear that sh*t.

Come on, man...

just destroy the book.

Rip it open.

What the f***?

Get it off... F***... get it off!

F***... Jesus motherf***er.

The book f***ed up your face.

Be strong, Sir Reginald.

Be strong, I say.

Oh ma...

F***.

Sh*t!

- We gotta go back for the book.

- What book?

I brought that kickass old book

I was gonna use for my spells!

F***!

I must have dropped it when

those paintballers attacked us!

Sh*t!

- F***!

- Is this it?

That's it.

Whoo... Thank God.

Sorry about freaking out.

No problem.

Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna

sh*t when he sees that.

We'll be back, you

redneck cocksuckers.

This I vow.

Cast down divide

Dark ripped

Shadows of our dead minions

Drag me into the abyss

He is reborn in the dark light

Bleh.

He instigates thy doom

Turn off the music!

- Turn it off!

- What?

- Turn this music off!

- I can't hear you.

Joe, come on.

Come on.

You are this close.

How close?

Damn, man.

That sh*t is tight.

It's called "Your Heart Sucks My Soul. "

It's kind of a love song, you know?

Mm-hmm.

I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Listen, if that song doesn't

say love and commitment,

I don't know what does.

We need to have a talk.

I'm actually way ahead of you.

How about you, me,

dinner, tonight?

Somewhere with a tablecloth?

I got a little something

special I want to give you.

Wait.

Don't tell me it's...

Is it what I think it is?

No.

Yes.

I don't know...

What do you think it is?

Don't do anything big

involving jewelry, okay?

I mean, I need to

concentrate on my career.

It's not the right thing for

that sort of commitment.

Oh, no, no, I get it.

Whoa.

It's cool.

It's cool.

I mean, why mess with

a good thing, right?

Time out here, Joe.

You're breaking up with me.

Will you listen to me?

You have a college degree

in communications studies.

You could be doing

anything you wanted.

Hold up.

I am doing what I want.

You live in a fake castle

leeching off your accidental

millionaire loser friend playing

black metal in your bedroom.

You will never change.

Uh, it's doom metal.

Who the f*** asked you?

Well, he's right.

Gilberto, you're the f***ing man.

It was black.

Then we went through

a sludge phase.

Now it's more doom.

I need to focus on my

future, my career.

It's important that I align myself

with successful people, Joe.

I'm sorry, but that's

just how it is.

Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?

Am I thy weapon's keeper?

Hey, man.

Found it!

Oh, hey, dude.

You bent my mace.

That's not-that's not cool.

Sorry, man.

My mom made me this mace.

It's still fierce.

Ahh!

That's a power ballad.

What's wrong with him?

Oh.

She dumped you, didn't she?

F*** off!

Whoa, nice shot.

So your body is already

subconsciously moving on.

I knew that this day would come.

You had a vision of her just

ripping out my heart, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks for the heads

up, mighty warlock.

I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.

I know that you know that

and you're just tying

to be hurtful.

F***ing Beth.

Dude, look, I'm sorry for

what happened, but you two

hadn't been right for each

other for a long time.

It's only the rejection that hurts.

You'll get over that.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe...

I should be making some changes.

Maybe I should move out of here.

No, there's no need for drama.

You always have a place

here at meine castle.

I still love her.

We can't leave him like this.

I know.

I'll be fine... Just go.

Go... Kill your fake dragons.

This is awkward.

I know what you need.

Come on.

Come on!

Uh-uh.

I told you, I don't do

that sh*t any more.

Yeah and the reason you quit

just kicked you to the curb.

So I think it's high time that

you got back in the saddle.

It's a sativa, dude.

It'll lift your spirits

but not knock you out.

Just do it... it's nothing.

Okay.

I love you.

I love you too, Joe.

Sweet Jesus.

Wait.

Oh no.

F*** me.

Aye, Sir Dragoroth have

been detained by Minerva.

...The sea hag.

His bewitchment by the siren's

song shall be the nail

thine army wantst,

King Diamond the Red.

We shall see.

Until Evermore.

'Til Evermore.

Eric!

Hung!

Where the f*** are we?

'Tis the kingdom of

Eliphaz, my naive friend.

You shanghaied me and dressed me.

Aye.

It just felt right.

Adventuring is exactly

what thou needst.

"Needst" is not a word.

Where we are, it is.

I'm taking this sh*t off.

Whoa!

Now is not the time

to lose thy nerve,

brave and scorned warrior.

Thou has been recruited to

fight in the glorious army

of Kabedrah.

The epic battle of Evermore.

Come, Sir Hung.

That looks terrible.

My three-year-old nephew

could make a better map.

He's got learning disabilities.

It'll have to do.

You, my friend, are on dragon duty.

Take these...

and make sure that

weeee are good to go.

And Dragon Rider!

Just don't f*** with my stereo.

Grass is nourished by

the blood of heroes.

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