Knights of Badassdom
In the 16th Century,
the mystic John Dee
wrote the "Sigillum Aemeth",
a book of musical chants
that were meant to summon angels,
but brought forth demons instead.
Fearing the unholy power
of his dark songs,
Dee tried to destroy
the book, but failed.
Sought by sorcerers and
dark rulers for centuries,
the book had been lost...
Until now.
Bequeath protection
upon thine followers
who walketh in the footsteps
of Vinsibas Aroptum.
Vinsibas Aroptum.
And your appeasement of
the gods of Vinsibas...
Have failed.
What seven blood packs
not enough, Ronnie?
Yeah, this sh*t's never coming
out of my tunic, by the way.
I don't know what to
tell you guys, okay?
The appeasement...
The appeasement fails?
- It's bullshit.
- You failed, Eric.
Okay... Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.
What do you want from me?
We're out here in the woods
in the middle of the night.
We got our robs on...
We nailed the chant.
Come on.
We had everything the
game plan laid out.
It's time that you leveled us up.
You can't just keep failing
my appeasements forever.
- I'm sorry...
- F you, Hung.
The appeasement fails because
Eric wasn't meaning it.
- He wasn't being meaningful.
- Bullshit, Ronnie.
Shut up, Hung, I don't know
what to tell you guys.
Sometimes I don't know who's
harder to appease, Ronnie.
- The gods of Vinsibas or you.
- If you don't stop
complaining, the gods of Vinsibas are
going to curse all your characters
with a case of evil herpes!
- Bullshit!
- Eric, you failed.
- What the f***?
- Maybe if you made
a meaningful sacrifice.
Guys, how will we taste triumph at
Evermore with this weak bullshit?
Fear not, Sir Reginald, for
I have just the magic needed.
Excuse me while I whipith this out.
What was that?
Hey, Dude, what's that?
What?
Oh sh*t!
That hurts.
Eat paint, haunted f***ers!
Help... Help!
This'll teach you to play your
f***ing wizard game in our woods.
Yeah, run!
Run, you freaks...
And don't ever come back.
Ah!
Hey, check this sh*t out.
Harry Pooper dropped his book.
Yeah, tear that sh*t.
Come on, man...
just destroy the book.
Rip it open.
What the f***?
Get it off... F***... get it off!
F***... Jesus motherf***er.
The book f***ed up your face.
Be strong, Sir Reginald.
Be strong, I say.
Oh ma...
F***.
Sh*t!
- We gotta go back for the book.
- What book?
I brought that kickass old book
I was gonna use for my spells!
F***!
I must have dropped it when
those paintballers attacked us!
Sh*t!
- F***!
- Is this it?
That's it.
Whoo... Thank God.
Sorry about freaking out.
No problem.
Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna
sh*t when he sees that.
We'll be back, you
redneck cocksuckers.
This I vow.
Cast down divide
Dark ripped
Shadows of our dead minions
Drag me into the abyss
He is reborn in the dark light
Bleh.
He instigates thy doom
Turn off the music!
- Turn it off!
- What?
- Turn this music off!
- I can't hear you.
Joe, come on.
Come on.
You are this close.
How close?
Damn, man.
That sh*t is tight.
It's called "Your Heart Sucks My Soul. "
It's kind of a love song, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Listen, if that song doesn't
say love and commitment,
I don't know what does.
We need to have a talk.
I'm actually way ahead of you.
How about you, me,
dinner, tonight?
Somewhere with a tablecloth?
I got a little something
special I want to give you.
Wait.
Don't tell me it's...
Is it what I think it is?
No.
Yes.
I don't know...
What do you think it is?
Don't do anything big
involving jewelry, okay?
I mean, I need to
concentrate on my career.
It's not the right thing for
that sort of commitment.
Oh, no, no, I get it.
Whoa.
It's cool.
It's cool.
I mean, why mess with
a good thing, right?
Time out here, Joe.
You're breaking up with me.
Will you listen to me?
You have a college degree
in communications studies.
You could be doing
anything you wanted.
Hold up.
I am doing what I want.
You live in a fake castle
leeching off your accidental
millionaire loser friend playing
black metal in your bedroom.
You will never change.
Uh, it's doom metal.
Who the f*** asked you?
Well, he's right.
Gilberto, you're the f***ing man.
It was black.
Then we went through
a sludge phase.
Now it's more doom.
I need to focus on my
future, my career.
It's important that I align myself
with successful people, Joe.
I'm sorry, but that's
just how it is.
Hey, dude, where's my plus-3 mace?
Am I thy weapon's keeper?
Hey, man.
Found it!
Oh, hey, dude.
You bent my mace.
That's not-that's not cool.
Sorry, man.
My mom made me this mace.
It's still fierce.
Ahh!
That's a power ballad.
What's wrong with him?
Oh.
She dumped you, didn't she?
F*** off!
Whoa, nice shot.
So your body is already
subconsciously moving on.
I knew that this day would come.
You had a vision of her just
ripping out my heart, huh?
Yeah.
Thanks for the heads
up, mighty warlock.
I'm a 26-level wizard, buddy.
I know that you know that
and you're just tying
to be hurtful.
F***ing Beth.
Dude, look, I'm sorry for
what happened, but you two
hadn't been right for each
other for a long time.
It's only the rejection that hurts.
You'll get over that.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe...
I should be making some changes.
Maybe I should move out of here.
No, there's no need for drama.
You always have a place
here at meine castle.
I still love her.
We can't leave him like this.
I know.
I'll be fine... Just go.
Go... Kill your fake dragons.
This is awkward.
I know what you need.
Come on.
Come on!
Uh-uh.
I told you, I don't do
that sh*t any more.
Yeah and the reason you quit
just kicked you to the curb.
So I think it's high time that
you got back in the saddle.
It's a sativa, dude.
It'll lift your spirits
but not knock you out.
Just do it... it's nothing.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you too, Joe.
Sweet Jesus.
Wait.
Oh no.
F*** me.
Aye, Sir Dragoroth have
been detained by Minerva.
...The sea hag.
His bewitchment by the siren's
song shall be the nail
thine army wantst,
King Diamond the Red.
We shall see.
Until Evermore.
'Til Evermore.
Eric!
Hung!
Where the f*** are we?
'Tis the kingdom of
Eliphaz, my naive friend.
You shanghaied me and dressed me.
Aye.
It just felt right.
Adventuring is exactly
what thou needst.
"Needst" is not a word.
Where we are, it is.
I'm taking this sh*t off.
Whoa!
Now is not the time
to lose thy nerve,
brave and scorned warrior.
Thou has been recruited to
fight in the glorious army
of Kabedrah.
The epic battle of Evermore.
Come, Sir Hung.
That looks terrible.
My three-year-old nephew
could make a better map.
He's got learning disabilities.
It'll have to do.
You, my friend, are on dragon duty.
Take these...
and make sure that
weeee are good to go.
And Dragon Rider!
Just don't f*** with my stereo.
Grass is nourished by
the blood of heroes.
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"Knights of Badassdom" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/knights_of_badassdom_11943>.
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