Knights of Badassdom Page #2

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Hmm?

- Are you listening?

- Yes.

Uh-huh... let's continue.

And here we have Fengyrian Falls.

Oh.

Remember, gentlemen, your

supervision of this script

and the monsters contained within

will make this event come alive.

Follow me now.

Adventures lie waiting

like sleeping dragons!

Hah?

And here we have Novum Castellum!

Ah, each band of

heroes will complete

a Class Three quest this eve.

By gathering at the

plains of Evermore,

the battle betwixt the realms

of King Diamond and Carey.

Though there will be a big

surprise in store for all.

And as game master, I will be

watching over all of this.

You can think of me as God.

Excuse me a minute.

Ah, Gwen.

Just whom I wanted to see.

I have been watching you these

long battle-swept nights

of the campaign and you

have shown your mettle.

So, verily, the time has come

for you to ascend to

the upper realms.

Oh God.

The game hasn't started

already, has it?

- No.

- We don't have to talk

in Dorkinese yet, do we?

I thought maybe you'd want to be

my assistant head game master

and you could be my right

hand, my right hand...

Ow!

Ooh.

I have an idea of

what your right hand

spends a lot of time doing, Ronnie.

That's really personal, Gwen.

Come, Gunther.

I'll take that as a no for now.

- You okay?

- Shut your mouth.

Onward.

Shut your mouth.

Where the f*** are the keys?

Two floors.

Whoa.

Hey.

Thought you guys only

used foam weapons.

In this world, young Jonen,

you can only put

your trust in steel.

My elite clientele is willing to

pay a premium for authenticity.

Where the f*** are the keys?

Come on, Joe.

You played D&D.

Live action role play

is the next level.

D&D was a long time ago.

Yeah... And you were a legend.

These people here?

They sing songs about

the time that you gave

Ronnie Kwok's paladin

demonic syphilis.

Do you remember... remember when

we caught Ronnie spanking it

to the succubus picture in

the old monster manual?

Good times, man.

Yeah, and some of us

are still having 'em.

Come on!

Eric's about to level

up to Grand Sorcerer.

I'm packing an ounce

of killer 'shrooms.

And there be monsters

in need of pummelin'!

You have a choice:

Join us in tasting the

sweet nectar of victory

or mope around an empty

house all week like a b*tch.

You guys do actually

look slightly badass.

It's like a Metalwolf cover.

- Yeah.

- Without the muscles.

No.

All right.

I'm in.

Huzzah!

Please.

Don't make me rethink this.

Nah.

Welcome to the fields of Evermore!

Um, Ronnie?

Yes, Travis.

Where are our costumes?

There is no end to the

tricks up my sleeve

- Wardr'be?

- Yes, sir.

Got it... 42 regular.

42 reg... I think

you'll find it snug.

- Great.

- Freshly laundered.

I'm a trained actor, man.

Not some f***ing... stunt monkey.

A weekend improv workshop, my ass.

Ungrateful.

Ah, greetings, enchanter.

I have some surprises

in store for you.

Some creatures with a taste

for flesh of the lowest order.

Hmm?

Parasites, charlatans.

War profiteers of

forbidden weaponry.

Verily, I say... let it go, dude.

Well.

Marketplace is a battlefield and

to the victor go the spoils.

Agreed.

I bring news of a legendary warrior

long absent from this realm

who returnth to replace the

estimable Sir Reginald.

The new warrior is

of course welcome.

Wonderful... Jobreyth of Revitt

shall once more fight by my side.

Joe Revitt's here...

What the frak, Eric?

- I hate that guy.

- Ronald, Ronald,

why be so petty?

I mean, surely, you're not still

sore about your syphilitic paladin.

Perhaps, the pages of

your monster manual

remain stucketh together?

For old time's sake, he's in.

But...

You must accomplish a

level 12 summoning spell

to animate Joe's character

with Reginald's life-force.

Consider it done, my liege.

Okay, that was a bit much.

Show-off.

Lo, the adventure begins!

Please report for

quest assignments.

Step forward when

your group is called.

Heed this reminder.

All guilds must

complete their quest

prior to tomorrow's

battle at Evermore.

Also, Ryan the Necromancer

beseeches thy help

in finding his inhaler.

What... Oh.

His inhaler of doom!

And to the owner of the

sperm-white Toyota Tercel,

thy chariot is blocking

the witches' coven.

Move it or you'll be faced with

a hex of great dark magic.

And you'll be towed.

It's a lot like you remember it,

except instead of

sitting around a table,

we do it for real.

For fake.

Fake-real, dude.

Don't f*** with me.

And this fake-real

involves, uh, yoga?

Laugh now, but a

structured warm-up routine

helps prevent injury later.

All right... I'll show you.

Come on.

What?

All right.

Arms and legs, one point.

Torso's two.

Limb takes a hit, it's useless

until healing's been cast.

Parry disarm can be

used once per melee

unless you're up against

a two-handed weapon.

Grab your sword, I'll demonstrate.

Finish him!

Got an idea.

How about I just forget the count

- and start wailing on people!

- Dude!

Dude!

It's honor system, Man.

Okay, you're all set

to join the battle.

I just spoke with Ronnie.

- Oh, except lose the sword.

- Huh?

Yeah, newbs don't get swords.

Um.

Wait, I have to earn the

right to carry a foam stick?

'Tis not the size of the young

knave's blade, but the lust

in his thrust by which

legends are made.

Oh!

Jobreyth!

There is one more thing

you're going to need to do.

Verily?

- This is retarded.

- Guys, pentagrams?

Man, we don't roll that

way here, all right?

This is the LARP, not the

Wicker Man Wiccan cosplay.

Nay.

'Tis in the book, dude.

Okay.

Um, Eric.

They be the rest of our

traveling companions.

Stand back and witness the

spectacle of my animation spell.

- Ready?

- Oh, for God's sake.

Ahh!

Beth?

Beth?

Ahh!

How awesome was that!

A-plus, motherf***er.

Arise, Jobreyth.

Breathe fresh the air once again.

What the f*** was that... it hurt.

Methinks you should not

be so much of a p*ssy.

Don't tell me you've never

played with fireworks before.

Not like that.

What was with the faces,

the smells, everything?

What was that?

I tell you what I see.

A warrior...

who can't let go of his past.

What are you doing?

Wow.

What was that?

Ex-girlfriend!

Jobryeth needeth closure!

It's not like that.

'Tis no matter to me, apprentice.

What the sh*t is going on?

Why is there smoke?

Eric, I said a basic summoning

spell, not one of your

non-regulation

pyrotechnic displays.

This was more befitting

a 27th level sorcerer.

Which you are not yet.

What's up, Joe?

Needst I remindst thou

the Temple of Syrinx awaits.

Don't be a buzzkill, Ronnie.

Ah.

Come, Gunther.

Buzzkill

What?

Buzzkill

How you doing there, Captain Trips?

Verily.

There be a fungus among us.

Is it your fungus

that's f***ing with me?

'Cause if you did slip me some

'shrooms, why's it feel like

I got bent over and taken

advantage of back there?

Perhaps thine reach exceeds

thy grasp, "vizard".

So who are our comrades, Enchanter?

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