Knights of Badassdom Page #3

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Right.

That be Lando, the pious.

Watch him in battle...

Complete weasel,

but entertaining.

You'll see.

Sir Gunther, the mighty.

Head case with a big stick.

He is unique and crazy.

And...

And Guinevere the fearless,

who's plus-three ass perfection

should keep the memory

of She Who Shall Not

Be Mentioned at bay.

Plus-three?

Clearly you underestimate

my endowments.

Look, your party has

disturbed a nest!

Demon apes!

What the f***?

Play on!

One of the beasts deals Sir Hung

the Glutinous a stunning blow!

Haha!

Great way to spend the weekend.

Sweating my balls off

in a monkey outfit.

I don't know where the hell I am.

Wha...

Who's there?

Hello, apelings?

- Dude... Joe! Little help here.

- Huh?

Help us kill some freaking apes!

You here for the LARP?

The live, the LARP?

Do you maybe have a map?

Oh, wow.

'Cause I, um... I sort

of lost my way.

Got separated from the group.

Oh... kay.

Jobryeth!

Gonna... kill... your...

monkey... asses!

Jobryeth takes a lethal

strike to the back!

Huh?

- Bullshit... 'Tis a lie!

- Halt!

Game master saw a palpable

hit and an unconscious man

throwing weaponry... weaponry

that is beyond the expertise

of your lowly character.

I don't understand what you

said, but I'm gonna sit down.

Three, two, one, play on!

Got separated from my group.

You too?

Uh, well, maybe then we should

stick together and both look.

Oh.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a

minute, wait a minute.

If this is some sort of Fury

fetish, then I don't mind at all!

Oh wow!

Oh wow!

Oh, okay, sure.

From the ground,

thy wounds be bound.

Regeneration spell successful!

Still thy tongue lest I remove it!

Lightning bolt!

Lightning bolt!

You my b*tch... Ow!

Same side, same side!

Be gone, demon apes!

Oh sh*t.

Damn.

Lando has been dealt

a mortal blow.

'Tis a lie... I had a spell

of simian protection up.

Fine, kill the brown guy first.

The great ape has been vanquished!

Huzzah!

Yeah.

Now remember, before

convening at the battle,

this party has a quest to

loot the temple of Syrinx

which needeth completion, so...

Perhaps the party should split

up for to cover more ground.

Capital idea, Sir Lando.

Take Sir Hung the Capable

and explore yon forest

for the fabled temple.

Verily... We shall meet thee

at Evermore if not before.

Godspeed to you and thine servant.

Servant?

I'm an apprentice.

Fucketh you very much.

Easy.

I beseech thee to give him

wide berth as he is pained

by a riven heart torn asunder

by the cruelty of an untrue maiden.

Enough with that sh*t, please.

Easy, my liege.

I told these guys

that thou were cool.

Ah, at last.

The simpletons and heretics

have left our brotherhood.

However, it occureth to

me that mine apprentice

has forgotten something.

Yo?

Thou must return to the

kingdom of Eliphaz.

- Uh...

- Parking lot.

Parking lot.

And fetch the amulet of

Kokun from our transport,

for it shall be needed at

the battle of Evermore.

So go to the parking lot to

get something you forgot.

Aye.

I shall join you on your mission.

The forest is no place for

an unarmed adventurer.

Let's go.

Act... It's this way.

Yes.

Hey, man.

Attention all teams.

Upon completion of your quests,

you may head to the battlefield

to prepare your camp for the night.

But as always, be on guard

for the evil scourge

from beyond our borders.

You know, those redneck

paintball jerks who crashed

our centaur hunt last week.

Prithee, take care.

Is that you, fellow

denizens of Elves' realms?

Speakers of Elvish?

Um, do you have a map maybe?

Do I know you?

Are you here for the LARP?

Was it the robes or the pointy

ears that gave it away?

'Cause I sort of lost my way and

got separated from the group.

Oh, no.

You're one of those freaky

vampire LARPers, right?

Wrong weekend, honey.

I don't mind at all.

I think thou art marching down

the wrong battlefield, sweetie.

Now if you'll excuse me.

If I didn't know better, Jobryeth,

I'd say you were

having fun back there.

Ooh, no I wasn't.

Okay, a little.

But you can't tell anyone.

I wouldn't even know what LARP

was if it weren't for Gunther.

He's a little hardcore with this.

Well, at least you're supporting

your boyfriend's interests.

- A lot of girls...

- Boyfriend?

God, no.

Gunther's my cousin.

He's a good kid, but he

never breaks character.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

He never breaks character?

He truly believes he's in

another time and a place.

But his folks don't let him

come to these things alone.

So you're warrior-sitting then?

Well, after the Medieval

Times incident,

I seem to be the only

one he listens to.

The Medieval Times incident?

Mom thought it would be

cute to take him there.

He jumped the wall and sent the

Red Knight to the hospital.

Sorry.

Not funny.

I've got this.

Ooh!

Um, miss.

The f***?

Spell of protection.

It's too late.

Drop.

To the nether realms.

My lady?

Very impressive.

All I'm saying is we'll be

taken more seriously

if we refer to

ourselves as sprites.

Can we please stay in character?

You guys sound like a

bunch of little girls.

If anyone would know

about little girls...

Okay.

I tried to handle this in

private, but if you wanna

do this here and now,

standing in the woods,

dressed like f***ing

fairies, so be it.

Lo, perhaps thou art

having thine monthlies.

Out of game.

Out of game? Okay.

Fine... What the

hell's your problem?

You're the one who

wanted to experiment.

Don't blame me if you can't

handle the consequences.

It was fine as long as

it was all about you,

but heaven forbid I enjoy it.

You saw her without me.

That wasn't part of the deal.

I'm heading back to camp.

Go.

Someday someone's gonna tear your heart

out and you'll know exactly how I feel.

Sprites!

Let's fly.

You look like one of those...

freaky vampire LARPers.

Maybe we should stick together.

Maybe.

As you approach the Exalted

Township of Valinore,

you notice that your own path

intersect with another .

Sir Hung, he is rustling

just across the way.

I can hear the breeze on my skin.

'Tis burnt orange.

Bad at English.

The f***'s he saying?

I don't know.

There is electricity in the air.

Okay, Ronnie, so if he goes insane,

can I inherit his experience points?

You're obsessed with

experience points.

No, let's not talk about that now.

I'm just saying, that's

a waste of experience.

I can use it.

Still thy cowardly tongue.

Oh, holy sh*t.

Prepare thineself

for battle, witch.

Do I know you?

All right, Hung, I don't

know what you're on,

but I think it's

clouding your judgment.

- She looks...

- Nay, game master.

The scales have finally

fallen from mine eyes.

Miss, are you okay?

Have you been in an accident?

'Tis no accident!

Go no closer!

Although I have gazed

upon thine visage before,

'tis only by the light of yon moon

hast thou true nature

revealed itself!

Okay, Hung, ease up there, buddy.

I think she really needs some help.

Excuse me, my lady, do you

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