Kramer vs. Kramer Page #4

27 HIS P.O.V.: There, on the kitchen cabinet is a

box of "natural grain" cereal, a jar of honey, some

wheat germ, and a banana, with carefully written

instructions from Joanna underneath.

ON TED--He takes one look at the note, crumples it

up and tosses it in the wastebasket.

TED:

(the camp counselor)

I'll tell you what, kiddo--why

don't I fix us some French toast?

BILLY:

(impressed)

Wow! French toast, really?

TED:

(the camp counselor)

Sure. Didn't I ever tell you

French toast was my specialty?

I'll bet I never told you that.

Now then, the first thing we

need is...

(trying desperately

to remember)

... eggs! Right?

Billy nods. Ted opens the refrigerator and takes some

eggs.

TED:

This is terrific ... isn't this

terrific?

As Ted begins the process of making French toast, it

soon becomes obvious that he has no idea of what he is

doing. What follows is a symphony in incompetence on

Ted's part. He breaks the eggs into a bowl and ends up

with most of the shell mixed up with the egg. Then he

takes a piece of bread and drops it into bowl.

TED:

(saying it will

make it so)

I'm having a good time...Are you

having a good time?

ON BILLY--watching all of this with increasing

apprehension.

BILLY:

You forgot the milk.

TED:

(still the camp

counselor)

That's right. You're absolutely

right...It's been a long time

since I made French toast.

Ted takes a container of milk, pours it into the bowl

so that it is filled to the brim. Then he sloshes the

bread around until it is half-dissolved.

TED:

Look at this, isn't this

something?!

He lops off a huge hunk of butter, drops it into an

omelet pan and turns up the flame.

ON BILLY--watching. He looks as though he is about to

throw up.

BILLY:

What about my orange juice?

TED:

(the counterman)

Right. One O.J. coming up.

He opens the refrigerator and starts to get the orange

juice. As he does, black smoke begins to billow

ominously from the frying pan.

BILLY:

(scared)

Daddy!!!

Ted turns, spots the smoke.

TED:

Don't worry.. .Everything's

fine...

He lunges for the handle of the frying pan, which by

now is very hot. He grabs it, lets out a howl of pain

and the whole mess, frying pan, butter, bread, goes

crashing to the floor.

CLOSE ON TED--Suddenly all the rage comes pouring out.

TED:

Goddam! Son of a b*tch!

REACTION, BILLY--terrified.

WIDE SHOT--as Ted kneels down and begins to clean up

the mess.

TED:

(to himself as much as

to Billy)

It's okay. It's gonna be okay...

Everything's going to be all

right.

CUT TO:

28 EXT. STREET - DAY

ON A BUS--as it pulls to a stop. The doors open and a

stream of mothers and children get off. Among them

we spot Ted Kramer with Billy. As they start across

the street, Ted reaches down and takes hold of Billy's

hand. The moment they get to the far side, Billy

takes his hand away from Ted's and wipes it on his

pants. Clearly Ted's hands are very sweaty.

CLOSER IN ON THEM: As they start down the block toward

Billy's school.

CLOSER IN ON THEM

BILLY:

When is mommy coming back?

TED:

Soon. I told you before, very

soon.

BILLY:

(nervous)

Will she pick me up after school?

TED:

No. If I'm not here, you go

home with Thelma and Kim.

BILLY:

What if she forgets?

TED:

(weary)

I'll call Thelma and remind her,

okay? Don't worry.

They walk in silence for a few steps, then:

BILLY:

But what happens if she's on

her way to school and she gets

runned over by a truck and killed?

What happens them?

Ted looks at Billy in amazement.

WIDE SHOT--as the two of them enter the school and

disappear from view.

CUT TO:

29 INT. OFFICE, TED'S AGENCY- DAY

ON THE ELEVATOR DOORS--as they open and Ted steps out

looking like the wrath of God. THE CAMERA TRACKS WITH

HIM as he crosses the waiting room toward the inner

offices.

ON THE RECEPTIONIST--glancing up as he passes.

RECEPTIONIST:

(cheerful)

Congratulations, Mr. Kramer.

ON TED--looking at her like she has lost her mind.

Nevertheless he continues on, passing through swinging

doors into a long corridor lined with secretaries'

desks and offices leading off of it. Suddenly a

younger man rushes up, grabs Ted's hand and starts to

pump it vigorously.

YOUNG MAN:

Terrific news, Ted.

Another nut. Ted smiles at the man, humoring him and

continues toward his office. O'Connor appears, throw-

ing his arm around Ted, squeezing him in a bear hug.

O'CONNOR

Hey...Look who was out celebrating

last night.

Suddenly Ted realizes that all these people are con-

gratulating him for getting the Fire and Ice account.

TED:

(trying to appear

nonchalant)

Uh, Jim...Can I talk to you?

CUT TO:

30 INT. O'CONNOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted and O'Connor sitting across from one another.

O'Connor has just heard the news.

O'CONNOR

Jesus Christ. That's a real

blockbuster.

(shakes his head)

I always figured you guys had

it made.

TED:

(morose)

You want to know the real

kicker? The real kicker is,

for the first time in my life--

the first time--I feel like a

loser.

O'Connor nods sympathetically. Actually he is praying

that Ted won't start to cry.

O'CONNOR

(stiff upper lip)

Listen, don't let it get you down.

(doesn't believe

it for a second)

You're going to be fine.

TED:

(toujour gai)

Me? I've never been better.

I mean having my wife walk out

on me after seven years of

marriage agrees with me just

fine.

O'CONNOR

Look, Ted, I'm the oldest whore

on the beat, okay? Three

marriages, two divorces...You're

gonna be okay.

TED:

(wishful thinking)

I'm going to be okay. The way

I see it, Joanna'll come home,

it's just a matter of time.

O'CONNOR

(emphatically)

She'll be back...

Ted nods in agreement. There is a beat of silence as

both men consider Joanna's imminent return. Then:

O'CONNOR

(trying to be tactful)

But...just in case...I mean,

just on the off chance she doesn't.

What are you going to do about

the kid?

TED:

(the wind goes

out of him)

I don't know, Jim. This whole

thing has happened so...Pow--

like that.

O'CONNOR

(a friend having to

say something very

difficult)

Look, it's none of my business,

so you can tell me to butt out,

okay? But if you want my advice,

you'll send Billy away to stay

with relatives for a while. Just

until you get yourself straightened

out.

TED:

(doubtfully)

I don't know, Jim...

O'CONNOR

(the Dutch uncle)

Ted, this may sound a little

rough, but we've just landed the

biggest account in the history

of this agency, right? And now

it's up to us--that's you and me

--to deliver the goods. Ted,

you're my main man, and if I

can't depend on you a hundred

and ten percent, twenty-four

hours a day, because you're

worried about a kid with a runny

nose--

TED:

Jim, I appreciate what you're

saying. I mean it, but I really

think Joanna's coming back.

ON O'CONNOR--clearly he doesn't believe this.

O'CONNOR

I hope you're right, Ted...I

really hope you're right.

CUT TO:

31 INT. FOYER, KRAMER APT. - DAY

INSERT:
TIGHT ON AN ENVELOPE: It is postmarked

Denver, Colorado. The letter is addressed to Billy

Kramer and it is from Joanna.

ON TED--as he rips open the letter.

Rate this script:4.6 / 13 votes