Kung Fu Hustle

INSPECTOR CHAN:

SUPER CRIME FIGHTERS

Anyone else?

Such a beautiful woman...

...and you arrest her...

...just for spitting?

Is there no justice?

Is there no law?

Commissioner is only your boss...

...because he paid his dues

to the Crocodile Gang.

And you don't f***ing know me?

Sorry, I didn't know

she was your wife.

Ugly coward!

What are you looking at? Never seen

such a handsome gang boss?

Who'd be in the film business?

It's Sunday,

and the theater's deserted.

Where's the car?

Let's go back inside!

Call for help!

No need for that, Northerner.

While you were messing with the cop,

your men signed up with us.

I'll kill all you Axe Gangsters!

Stop! You forget the time

I treated you to dinner.

Brother Sum.

Please...

Please spare me.

Don't worry.

I don't kill women. You can go!

Thank you, Big Brother.

Cops! Come clean up the mess!

THE AXE GANG:

In a time of social unrest

and disorder...

In a time of social unrest

and disorder...

...the gangs have moved in

to consolidate their power.

The most feared of them all

is the Axe Gang.

Only in the poorest districts,

which hold no interest for the gangs...

...can people live in peace.

PIG STY ALLE Y:

One, two, three!

- That okay, Coolie?

- No problem!

TAILOR:

NOODLES AND CONGEE

My check, please, Donut.

- How much?

- It's on the house!

Donut.

- It's nothing.

- I like you.

I'll ask the wife about

lowering your rent.

Morning, Landlord!

Landlord!

Jill! How you've grown!

Come let me examine you!

Good to see you, Landlord!

What's so good about it?

Don't...!

Can you make the skirt slit higher?

Sure!

Look, a comet!

Jane! You naughty girl!

Landlord! You're such a scoundrel!

Don't go, Jane! Stay and chat!

I'm only kidding. Jane!

Landlady!

Landlady!

What happened to the water?

Water ain't free!

You talk a lot for someone

who won't pay his rent.

But I'm in the middle of a shampoo.

You think that's a problem?

From now on, no water on Mondays,

Wednesdays and Fridays.

Water ration Tuesdays, Thursdays

and Saturdays.

I just love hearing you fools

complain. A**holes!

Good morning, Landlady!

Just pay your rent,

or I'll burn your shop down.

What's so funny?

Rent's no laughing matter, fairy!

Serves you right you're a coolie!

Months overdue and not even

a "good morning."

You'll be a coolie for life.

There you go, handsome!

What took you so long

with the congee?

I stopped to help an old lady

cross the street.

- What are you doing here?

- Checking for Peeping Toms.

Was someone just spying on you,

Auntie Six?

Don't shoot your mouth off

without proof.

She's crazy.

Go away!

Please can you teach us, sir?

No more soccer!

- Who wants the cut?

- My boss.

Take a seat.

Done! Fifty cents, please.

Isn't it great?

It's too good!

Why'd you make him look so good?

Why?

Don't get mad, boss.

He's my old buddy. I'll handle this.

He's boss of the Axe Gang. Don't you

see the two axes? We're bad guys.

Making him look good

is really bad. Understand?

- I didn't know.

- You're a numskull!

But I like you, so just pay me,

and I'll take care of it.

No way!

Steady with the axe, boss.

Let me talk to him.

I really care for you. You saw it

for yourself. Seriously.

Why don't you pay up. Not much.

Enough for a drink.

Oh, so it's blackmail!

Boss!

Boss!

Now you're dead!

Looks like he's waking up!

I'm not afraid.

You can kill me.

But there'll be thousands more of me!

You want to play tough? The Axe

Gang boss is napping in there.

Whoever wants to die,

step forward.

So you want to fight?

Great! We'll go one-on-one.

Don't even think about cheating.

That old woman with the onion!

You look real tough. Want to try me?

I'll let you hit me first.

What do you do?

I'm a farmer.

Farmers don't fight. Piss off!

He's crazy!

Calling me names?

You're lucky you're a woman.

Hey, shorty! Yeah, you!

If you're short, you don't retort.

What did I say about cheating?

Sit back down!

You! The geezer with the glasses.

You look mean.

No, not you. I mean...

You!

Hey, kid, let's rumble!

All right, all right!

So no one-on-ones today.

You're all such wimps!

He blackmailed me.

Fat woman, you're

in charge here, right?

Fat woman, my ass!

I'm with the Axe Gang!

Axe Gang, my ass!

Boss!

Boss, my ass!

- You have to pay our medical bills!

- Bills, my ass!

- We're on the same side!

- Same side, my ass!

Think you're so tough?

I'll call for backup!

You nitwit! Let's see you call backup!

You don't know the backup I have.

I'm talking an army here.

Don't you go away! Go put

a down payment on your coffin!

Who threw the firecracker?

I'm one of you, brother.

Mind your own business!

It's raining. Go bring in your laundry!

Fat woman!

You blackmailing me too? I ain't afraid.

I...

Did anyone see what happened?

Don't! My back's broken!

Call for help!

Hold on, calm down. You hungry?

Keep quiet.

No.

Who did this?

I'll count to three.

One...

...two...

I did it!

Are the goods okay, Brother Sum?

Sorry!

Look away, kid.

Get rid of him!

We're the bad guys!

We're meant to do the ass-kicking...

...not the other way around.

And it's all because these morons

posed as Axes.

Don't waste your time, Brother Sum.

We'll handle this.

You! Take care of it.

- Boy, can this guy pick locks.

- It's a living. Give me a break.

Pick that one too, if you're so good.

Come.

I'll count to three.

Hurry!

Ready? Three!

That's quick!

Brother Sum, we really

want to be Axes.

That's why we did what we did.

Give us a chance.

Ever killed anyone?

I've always thought about it.

Then go kill someone.

I will!

Go on!

Thank you, Brother Sum.

We can always find a use for that type.

I told you before,

you've got to look tough.

Tougher!

Tougher!

Act the part.

And try to stay awake.

It's tiring being tough.

Tiring? It's our living!

The streets out there are filled

with money and women.

You only need the will

and determination...

...to seize the opportunity to win.

This is our big chance!

We just kill someone,

and we're in the gang.

Then it'll be money and women

all the way!

Don't be like those beggars...

...with no ambition.

Who are you looking at, four-eyes?

I'll smash your glasses!

Get lost!

Come here and say that!

- You're really gonna kill someone?

- That's right!

The four-eyes, the fat woman

and all the residents of Pig Sty.

But they're good at kung fu.

- I can do kung fu!

- Oh, yeah?

Didn't I tell you I know

Buddhist Palm kung fu?

Hey there, handsome boy. Stop.

Amazing!

Do you know you have

a special aura?

You're so young, but you have

the bone structure...

and chi flow of a kung-fu genius.

If your chi flow can be channeled,

then you will be invincible!

Like the old saying:

You cannot escape your destiny.

The duty of upholding world peace

and punishing evil will be yours.

Sure.

This is the scroll of the Buddhist Palm.

It's priceless.

But as it's fate,

I'll let you have it for $ 10.

BUDDHIST PALM MANUAL

- You gave him your life savings?

- Yes.

I was saving to study to be

a doctor or lawyer...

...but this was world peace.

Let go of the girl!

Hey! It's the Buddhist Palm!

"The 20-Cent Kung Fu Manual."

You must be loaded.

Have you killed anyone lately?

He's a fool, and she's mute. Losers!

I realized then that good guys

never win. I want to be bad.

I want to be the killer!

- Ice cream!

- Where?

Make mine a vanilla.

Chocolate for me!

What're you looking at?

Never seen free ice cream before?

Look at her run!

You're such kung-fu masters,

go take it on the road.

You belong in the circus, not here!

Don't say that, Landlady.

There must be a reason they're here.

Everyone has his reasons.

We don't want to make trouble.

I'm glad you get it.

The mob's mad at us.

We'll never hear the end of it.

Why don't you get lost!

Your wife shouldn't be so nasty.

You okay?

Masters.

We have nothing precious

to give you...

...but take this as a token

of our appreciation.

Thanks for saving us!

Stop the crying. This isn't a show!

- You're so cold-hearted.

- Talking back to me, eh?

You may know kung fu,

but you're still a fairy.

It's no crime to be good at kung fu!

Once a fairy, always a fairy.

Look at you. What's with

the red underwear?

Why not a diaper while you're at it.

What's wrong with red underwear?

Where were you

when there was trouble?

If it weren't for them, we'd be finished.

Be reasonable!

I'll reason with you.

You owe me three months' rent.

That's $90.

Pay up or pack up!

Don't you worry. I'll pay it.

Think you're a smartass,

Rabbit-Tooth Jane?

What's it to you, tub of lard?

B*tch!

Calm down, Landlady.

This is your fault.

- Are you trying to kill us?

- You're right.

How could you do that?

Shut the hell up!

You think you can out-yell me?

The fat lady can really sing.

Watch this!

What happened?

What do you mean,

what happened? You try it.

- Me?

- Quick!

Sorry! You okay?

I think you should get closer

and take better aim. Okay?

Okay!

- Who's throwing the handles?

- Handle?

Where's the third knife?

God knows where it went.

Could it be the same one? Can't be...

- Don't!

- Sorry.

What are you trying to say?

I just remembered I have

something to do. See you!

Uh-oh. They've seen us!

Stay back!

Don't panic! Snakes like music.

If I whistle, they won't bite.

Please, no more bright ideas.

Oh, what the hell!

Not you again, a**hole!

Get back to your business!

Split up!

Split?

What're you doing here?

Looking for you. Weren't you hurt?

I'm fine!

How come you always recover so fast?

I don't know.

- Which hospital did you go to?

- Don't remember.

Maybe it's better that way.

Memories can be painful.

To forget may be a blessing!

I never knew you were so deep.

All the sadness one can bear...

...down the river everywhere.

Hey, get out of the way!

Move!

I'll slap you to kingdom come!

Look at those four-eyes

carting around a coffin.

What morons!

Don't blame me for making you leave.

We'll let Buddha decide...

...whether you stay...

...or go.

HORRIFICALLY BAD FATE

Have some tea.

We're grateful for

some professional help.

We understand the problem.

Twelve Kicks from the Tam School...

...Iron Fist from the Hung School

and the Hexagon Staff...

Those guys at Pig Sty are really good.

Their warrior days are long over...

...but they're still top fighters.

This job is a great challenge for us.

Now, that's professionalism.

Number One Killers. Expensive, yes,

but worth every penny!

No!

Number one is the Beast,

the world's top killer.

He was so dedicated to kung fu,

he went crazy.

I heard he's now in an asylum.

So you're the top killers now.

Strictly speaking,

we're just musicians.

A song that wrenches the heart

O where do I find a knowing ear?

Great poem, isn't it?

We'll be saying goodbye soon.

Who knows when we'll see

each other again.

We're three of a kind.

Wish we'd known before.

Let's take this opportunity

to spar a little.

No. We still have a lot to pack.

You're right.

Twelve Kicks of the Tam School!

Superb attack and defense!

Iron Fist:
Powerful yet delicate.

Topnotch!

Hexagon Staff, with its

thousand moves. Mystical!

Till we meet again!

More lipstick!

Stay there, or I'll break you in half.

Sorry, we're closed.

You can make a suit in no time.

We're moving.

This is good material!

You know your stuff.

This has high artistic value.

How high?

At least a few stories...

Insulting the Axe Gang!

We'll show them.

Let's kill them all and make

this place a brothel.

Don't block my view!

What's going on?

Good!

Don't block my view!

Damn! I told those nitwits to leave,

but they're still here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

What the hell is this fighting?

Who'll pay for the damage?

Sorry, sorry. It's nothing!

You know what time it is?

I have to sleep.

Hey, fatso, eat sh*t and die!

Die? In this racket?

Sorry, sorry!

Get out of my way!

Hang in there, Tailor.

Be quiet!

Give us a break! Why push us so far?

There's another master?

It's the Lion's Roar!

I thought that was a myth.

Who knew the Lion's Roar

really exists?

That's the last we'll see of them.

It's bad, Brother Sum.

Quick, start the car!

Start the car!

Boss!

Keep it down! Have you no manners?

Get lost. People are trying to sleep.

They have to work tomorrow.

Get out of here!

Scumbags!

I can't hang on much longer.

But having seen

real masters like you...

...I can now die in peace.

Don't say that.

We're ordinary folks.

Ordinary's a blessing.

Don't call us masters.

But you're such great fighters!

If only you'd helped earlier,

they wouldn't have to die this way.

Like Donut said,

everyone has his reasons.

Years ago...

...we saw our only son killed in a fight.

Revenge can be devastating.

Do you understand?

Why don't you train us

to be top fighters...

...and we'll avenge them!

Becoming a top fighter takes time.

Unless you're a natural-born

kung-fu genius.

And they're one in a million.

It's obvious I'm the one!

Don't think so.

Everyone! We swore

we'd never fight again.

But we broke that promise today.

For your own safety, please all leave!

In great power lies great responsibility.

There's no escaping from it.

Donut, you're hurt bad.

Rest now.

We can't understand

what you're saying.

Donut!

I know you, four-eyes!

You seem prejudiced against

the sight-challenged.

That's right.

Especially gold-framed four-eyes.

Gold frames are perfect for clerks.

I think I look good.

So why keep picking on me?

Help me!

"Help me! Help me!"

Want to play, punks?

The Dragon Style? The Tiger Style?

Come down here, and I'll smash

your glasses. Come on!

You know I'd do it, right?

Swear to it!

Swear!

Have you no respect? Where were you

when I needed you?

You sound like a wimp!

We always get beat!

We haven't gotten anywhere.

No killing, no arson,

no robberies, no rapes...

...all because of you!

You're a numb-nut!

Follow me!

It's a stickup! Where's the money?

Where's the money?

What're you looking at? I'm serious!

I kill people for less!

Give me the money.

The money's in here.

Let go of the girl!

He's a fool, and she's mute. Losers!

Go away! You're dragging me down!

Go home and raise pigs.

Go, before I kill you.

You! Whatsyourname!

Take this and get some new clothes.

You're now an Axe!

- For real?

- Someone's waiting for you.

Brother Sum!

One look at you, and I knew

you'd do anything.

Right!

You just needed your chance.

Damn right!

We've an assignment for you.

Anything, Brother Sum!

"Research on abnormal people."

What's that?

A mental asylum.

Soldiers!

Boy Scouts!

Tanks!

No worries.

When the Boy Scouts change shifts,

you have exactly five minutes.

Follow the arrows on the map.

Go to the last cell...

...and get the man inside there out.

Here's your tools.

What about you guys?

We're your lookouts.

Five minutes. Hurry!

The world's top killer

indeed looks the part!

It's only a title.

Cut the bullshit. We want two people

killed. Name your price.

Name my what?

I've killed so many trying to find

a worthy adversary.

So far, I've never found one.

That's why I stayed inside.

Had I met my match,

I'd have been out long ago.

If you find me a worthy opponent...

...I'll do it for free. No charge!

Do you have someone?

Yes. Brilliant fighters who are

up to the challenge.

But first, will you show us

some moves?

Not that we don't trust you.

We want to see you in action.

You numskulls aren't worthy!

He doesn't look the part.

The slippers are a little crappy.

But he'll clean up well.

You sure you got the right guy?

Absolutely. I swear I did

exactly what you told me.

Please show us some moves,

Mr. Beast. Don't make it hard for me!

You dumb or what?

You know what this is, old man?

Ever seen a fist this big?

Don't force me to fight.

I scare myself when I fight!

Really? Try me, then.

Is he okay?

So you say you can fight?

Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

You hit like that and call yourself

a gangster?

A foreign gun!

In the world of kung fu,

speed defines the winner.

The Beast is the best of them all.

The Axe Gang extends its respect!

The real masters,

together in one room!

Only the world's top killer...

...has such an aura.

Likewise.

Could you two be the fated lovers...?

Paris...

...and Helen of Troy!

A pleasure, indeed.

We're here to deal

with the Axe Gang...

...and only the Axe Gang.

You should've killed me before.

Now you're committing suicide.

You're living on borrowed time.

You can't escape your fate!

What's this? A funeral bell?

With the Beast here,

let's see whose funeral it is!

So you're on their side?

Don't get me wrong.

I only want to kill you...

...or be killed by you.

What do you think?

The good cannot coexist with the bad.

You can't escape your destiny.

So be it. Let's do it.

Okay.

Let's do it!

Piece of cake. I can handle this.

Good try, but a little off target.

The Lion's Roar?

Wait!

I didn't know the Lion's Roar

could be done with a speaker!

What a blow!

- Looks like they're not up to it!

- Let's get them while they're down.

You do it!

- I'm gonna puke! I need to see a doctor!

- Go to hell!

You! Come over here.

- Hit him!

- Yes!

- The head!

- Of course!

- Hit him on the head!

- Okay.

- Here's your chance.

- Got it!

- Hit him!

- Hit him!

- Hit the sh*t out of him!

- Right!

- Hit him!

- Hit him!

Beat the sh*t out of him!

What're you doing?

You want me to hit him

or beat the sh*t out of him?

You're making me very confused!

Wow, that's a big fist!

Why did you hit me?

Where are they?

How could you let them escape?

No one gets away from me!

Why did he save us?

Young people make mistakes.

But at least he finally made good.

Look at him! Beaten to a pulp.

Do you have any last requests?

Hey, wait!

Why don't you write in Chinese?

I don't understand.

There's no one here!

CHINESE MEDICINE

It's a miracle he lasted this long.

The herbs should help him.

Herbal medicine can only partly help.

The key is his own body structure.

All his bones and tendons are broken.

It's amazing he's recovering so fast.

It can't be possible...

Unless he's...

What's that smell?

You mustn't smoke while you're hurt.

Let me handle this.

This makes no sense.

Who knew the Beast could clear

the chi flow...

...and thus unleash

the boy's true potential?

We should've guessed.

He is the one!

Is this for real?

You're still alive, you turncoat?

Kill him, men!

What kind of move is that?

Kids' stuff!

If our son were alive,

he'd be his age now.

If he studies hard, he could grow up

to be a doctor or lawyer.

A stuntman, more likely!

Not bad. Let's go.

I can even stop bullets...

What? The Toad Style

of the Kwan Lun School?

Oh, no!

Remember the Palm move

that falls from heaven?

That's the long lost Buddhist Palm.

I surrender!

What kind of move was that?

If you want to learn, I'll teach you.

Master!

Hey! Tell him not to put snot

on the glass.

You two, put your pants on!

No licking if you're not buying!

Kid, you have the bone structure

of a kung-fu genius.

World peace is in your hands.

Here's the scroll of the Buddhist Palm.

Because it's fate, I'll let you

have it for $ 10.

Wait!

You want more...?

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