L!fe Happens

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1

(WOMEN MOANING)

DEENA:
I like that,

that's good.

KIM:
Oh, yeah.

MAN:
Oh, yeah.

DEENA:
Do you...

Do you have... You know...

(KIM MOANING)

KIM:
Wait, wait.

Two seconds, I'll be right back.

BOTH:
Do you have a condom?

No. Crap!

Dude, I've been looking

for that nightie everywhere.

KIM:
Are you sure it's not mine?

I've had it forever.

DEENA:
It looks better

on your b*obs anyway.

Thanks.

DEENA:
Who do you

have in there anyway?

I didn't even

hear you come in.

Oh, I'm with that Australian

surfer with the neck tattoos.

Ooh! Checkmate!

What about you?

Who do you have in there?

Uh...

Beet face.

You're having

anonysex with a guy

you met in

the Costco parking lot?

DEENA:
I already told him

he couldn't stay over

'cause I got to get

up early to write.

Oh, totally.

God, where is that stash?

I know it's somewhere.

Oh! Found them!

There's only one left.

How did that happen?

We just bought these!

Dibs!

I'm ovulating!

What?

It's true!

I never work out

on the fifteenth day

of my cycle because

I get pains in my side,

and if you remember correctly, Kim,

I did not work out yesterday.

What? What am I supposed to do?

Raw dog a random?

Don't be a douche nozzle!

(SIGHS)

Pull and pray, baby!

MARC:
All right, Kim, were

you gonna do me, or what?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC

PLAYING ON RADIO)

(INAUDIBLE)

Three o'clock, dude.

That sleaze weasel's

eyegasming all over your face.

Really?

Yeah.

He I

Hi! Y"

Stoplights, huh?

Yeah. Stoplights.

I love them. (GIGGLES)

So do we.

It's crazy!

Crazy.

I'm Ivan and this

is my friend, Ivan.

Well, hello, lvans.

Hello.

So, we're headed to this little

party up in the hills this evening.

You girls wanna join?

Why don't you

give us the details?

(BABY CRYI NG)

Is it too much to ask

for a date with a guy

other than the one

I gave birth to?

Oh, come on.

Where is my friend who shares

my mutual suffering

of high self-esteem?

KIM:
She smells like milk,

puke and diaper ointment.

Oh, hey, Billy, will you come

help me with Max's stroller?

Sure, Kim.

Okay. There you go.

Thank you.

(BILLY GRUNTS)

Hey!

Hey.

I found a job on Craigslist

that pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

Laura, I love you, but raw fish?

Nudity? What would Jesus say?

Lefsleave

the Lord out of this.

Oh, God.

Hey! I found a job on Craigslist

that pays $150 an hour.

It's called Naked

Human Sushi Platters.

I start tomorrow.

You want the details?

No, I think I'm good.

Oh, Dr. Katie's on.

DEENA:
Did you say

Dr. Katie's on?

Hi, buddy.

As a sexpert, I recommend regular

sex once a week, at least.

If you can't procure sex,

visit your gynecologist,

and he can suggest

certain solutions.

(MAX VOMITS)

Oh! Oh!

BOTH:
Ew!

Max, my favorite shirt!

Baby puke is pretty

much just breast milk.

Just hand me the napkins.

I saw Kelly Ripa

eat breast-milk cheese

on LIVE! the other day,

with a pickle on it.

That's disgusting.

It also comes in dolphin,

bear, monkey and worms.

Worms? Ew.

Laura, it is so weirdly hypocritical

that you watch this stuff.

It's like an anorexic

watching Top Chef.

Make fun of me all you want

for being a virgin,

okay, but at least

you'll never hear me say,

"I had sex with some guy last

night and he didn't call me,"

or "I got pregnant again,"

or "I got chlamydia."

Ooh! Snap.

Ask your insurance provider

if they'll cover this-

(VIBRATING)

(ECHOING)

You need it, Kim.

Oh, I really need to

get more sleep.

(WHIRRING)

Hey.

Hey!

I made this for you.

Thank you.

You are saving my life.

Have you seen

the baby monitor?

Uh, yeah, I think

it's in the rotter.

That's what three hours of

sleep a night'll do to you.

Yeah, here it is. Rotting.

So, tonight is

Marc's night with Max,

which means I have

no morning duty,

which means Mommy is gonna

get hammered tonight. Yeah!

Are you sure

that's safe?

I'll pump and dump and use

my new Milkscreen strips.

They let you know when it's

safe to breast-feed again.

It's the best

invention ever.

Mom of the year

right here yo.

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

Oh, God. Francesca.

"In addition to

my diuretic pills,

"go by the mall

and pick up something

"young and hip looking for me to

wear to the greyhound party."

(GAGGING)

Will you guys meet me

at the mall later?

Can't,

I have naked sushi.

Yes. And that

woman is hideous.

You shouldn't have

to deal with her.

She has you running

around like a chicken!

I know, but I'm a chicken

with paychecks and benefits.

See you guys later.

Bye.

Bye.

Wait. Breakfast.

Oh, God, thank you.

Thank you. Bye.

Marc, I swear to God, you're the

most unreliable person I know.

Why are you always late?

What do you expect?

I'm driving across town from Venice.

Well, I've got a million things

to do and that's all before work.

So, here's the diaper

bag, his diapers,

bottles, toys,

he should be fine.

What's the matter with you?

(SIGHS)

We need to talk.

Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!

I got the e-mail

from LA Weekly, man!

I can't read it,

I can't read it.

You have to read it for me,

you have to read it for me.

Sit, sit, sit.

Read, read, read.

(EXHALES)

"Dear Ms. Deena Gold, thank you so

much for your recent submission,

"'A Self Made

Woman's Lifestyle:

"'Separating Yourself

from the B*tches.'

"As you know, we review thousands

of submissions weekly.

"Unfortunately,

we cannot accept..."

(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab

myself in the face.

Please don't.

"However, we think the

excerpt from your book,

"'A Self Made

Woman's Lifestyle:

"'Separating Yourself

from the B*tches..."'

That title is way too long...

However, however.

"Will be the perfect

inaugural headliner

"for our online edition

featuring new voices."

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

Oh, I'm in!

Okay, get up,

I have work to do.

Okay. Here we go.

Marc, I thought we were gonna at

least try to raise the kid together.

It'd be career suicide to turn

down a Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.

You understand that?

Can we get your scrawl?

Oh, yeah, sure.

BOY:
Thanks, man.

Sure.

See? I'm blowing up.

What about when

you come back?

Well, if I come back.

I got things, you know?

I think he's

better off without me.

I'm doing

the right thing here.

I'm ripping it off fast,

like a Band-Aid. Okay?

Peace, all right? Okay.

All right. Be well.

(GURGLING)

(SHUSHING)

KIM:
I feel like a big

slab of hamburger

that's been

mushed into a human.

This was, like,

my one day a week

to feel like

a normal human being.

Now, I'm like, seriously a mom

now, like seven days a week.

That is kind of

how it works.

Well, I know,

but what am I gonna do?

Look, lots of women have been

exactly where you are right now.

You can still have everything

you've always wanted,

and your kid is gonna respect

the hell out of you for it.

Huh?

Let's get a massage.

(MOANING)

I am so getting one of these when

I get my first big paycheck.

I don't care how

nouveau riche it is.

(MAX CRYING)

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