Labor Pains

The I-10 Santa Monica

Freeway westbound

is jammed due to

a three-car accident...

blocking lanes one and two

just past Hoover Street.

In Van Nuys there's stop and go

traffic on the 405 southbound...

Hey, loser!

Get up. You're late.

We need money.

For what?

Food.

I've only got two dollars.

How much is a Happy Meal?

Oopf.

Good morning, Thea.

Oh, hi.

There's this

thing called rent.

Monday.

You have my word.

Could you put your

word on an actual check?

Whoo! Look

at that foxy momma!

Hey.

Hey, look. I, uh, I

saved you one of these.

It wasn't easy. These

people are animals.

Thanks. It's all

downhill after the donut.

Hey. Let's go

camping right now.

Oh, don't tempt

me. You know I can't.

Come on. Don't be such a buzz

kill. Just call in sick from work.

Oh, Miles. It was hard

enough getting Monday off.

Hey. You really need to

bail on this lame job, babe.

Bailing isn't exactly in my vocabulary

right now. I'm late. I'm late.

Alarm clock

on the fritz again?

Thea.

Thea!

Four minutes

after nine, Thea.

We agreed to 8:
59.

I know. I'm sorry. I've

got your coffee piping hot.

Greg already

got it for me.

All right.

Let's get started.

I found two errors

in your transcription.

Ur-Nammu, the Mesopotamian

ruler, has a hyphen in his name.

Are you sure? I checked it

in Oxford English Dictionary.

You should always cross reference

with the Military Encyclopedia.

It is

the definitive source.

Absolutely right, Greg.

The intern shouldn't be

more thorough than you.

You have to remember that every

mistake you make, impacts history.

I'm sorry I didn't give enough thought

to the long reaching

impact of a missing hyphen.

Think of it next time,

or someone else will.

There are a million people out

there who'd kill for your job.

The secretary to the publisher,

it's a dream for so many of us.

I have a big

project for you.

Now, you can make up for this

morning's mistakes by acing this one.

Okay. What

can I do for you?

MacArthur rolled

in some poop.

Again?

She's got one

good eye, Thea.

I don't appreciate

you taking that tone. Now.

Hi, there.

Let's really try and nail

it this time, shall we?

No way. She

rolled in poop again?

Uh-hm.

How come Greg never washes her?

I'm glad that I don't have

to wash the poop off Greg

since he spends most of his time

with his head up Jerry's ass.

Tell me about it. Last week

he CC'd me on an email to Jerry

complaining that I ordered

too many rainbow Post-Its.

Said it creates

a party atmosphere.

Come here, MacArthur.

MacArthur.

Do you think we'll

ever get out of here?

How long 'til your little

sister graduates college?

Five years.

Five long years.

Wow.

When you finally ditch this

place I'm gonna leave, too.

I can't survive this

hellhole without you.

I don't even know if I'm gonna

survive Monday without you.

Oh, well, your rainbow

Post-Its should help.

Ha, ha, ha.

Just promise me

that when you're celebrating with Miles the

big 25, you'll have two extra shots for me.

Done. Two for

you, two for me

and two

for MacArthur.

And cold beer chasers and a sliced lime.

Gets me right here.

What is MacArthur eating?

Oh, that's not

good. Hold on.

No, no, that's soap!

Well, Thea, you are

a sopping mess.

I know, I'm sorry.

Well, don't apologize.

This one

has two staples.

Yeah. And?

It's bad feng shui.

It'd be nice

to give the agenda

to the guy

the disability first.

When I gave you yours

first last month,

you reprimanded me for

giving you special treatment.

I don't like your giving

me special back talk.

Good morning, everyone.

Ready for Abbott?

Sorry.

Let's have another round!

Hey, Johnny, my good man.

How's the book coming?

Jerry!

War. What is

it good for?

Apparently lots

of things, Jerry.

If you could just tell us

what chapter you're up to.

Sweet.

Pigs in the blanket

for everybody on me.

Alright, bye-bye.

Hemingway used

to write in bars.

Ah. We're so pleased you decided to

bless us with your presence, Nicky

Sorry, uh, bad,

bad traffic.

Hm. Got hung up at the

divorce lawyer's office?

I kind of wanted that

to be private, Jerry.

Well, well, privacy is

for people who are on time.

So how's

Abbott's book coming?

Extremely well. There's a

method to his mad genius.

And now we're ready to

go over the cost report.

Whenever you feel

like presenting it.

Oh, okay.

Sales for The Complete History

of Bullets are below projections.

Uh, marketing says people

have been intimidated

by the 1400 page length.

There are a lot of bullets in

the world. We're not making it up.

Let's talk about the next

order of order of business.

I've given this

a lot of thought.

Next week's

softball game.

Now, we're all tired

of losing to Presidio.

So I'm moving Garth

to short stop.

I'm not

quite finished.

I've told you. You're staying

in left field. We need you there.

This isn't softball related.

You know our textbook

writer, Suzie Cavendish?

Of course I know her.

I read her new manuscript

and I thought

it was really good.

How did you

get a manuscript?

I ran into her at lunch.

She told me about her book.

You don't send the

accountant your manuscript.

Thanks, but I've already

told Suzie it's not for us.

It's not our

subject matter.

Baby, what's wrong?

MacArthur?

What's wrong with you?

Come here, baby.

What is wrong?

Talk to daddy.

Ew!

What did you feed her?

I'm so so sorry

about your dog.

I just scheduled a full body

scan for MacArthur on Monday.

I have the day off Monday

but I'll take her Tuesday.

You'll take her Monday.

I asked for this time

off two months ago.

It's just one day.

I promised my boyfriend

we'd go camping

for his 25th birthday.

It's his 25th birthday?

Yeah, it is.

God, I had no idea.

I'm sorry. Why don't you

take the whole week off?

Really?

No!

Okay, no problem.

Come on, things

can't be that bad.

Okay. Let's see what I have

to look forward to in life.

Washing my boss's dog.

Blow-drying my boss's job.

Uh-mm.

Taking my boss's

dog for a CAT scan.

I'm officially

a pathetic loser.

Well, at least we still

have Skittles and cigarettes.

Maybe you and Miles

can reschedule the weekend.

Oh, yeah. I'll see if Miles

can reschedule his birthday.

No, maybe Jerry's

onto something.

Who needs a significant other

when you're dating your own dog?

Jerry's repulsive. Have you

smelled his breath lately?

He's lucky he can get

a dog to date him.

You know, it's one thing if Jerry is an

undersexed jerk who takes no joy in life

But why does he have to make the

rest of us that way? I hate him!

In my office. Now!

You've got some pretty strong

opinions about my personal choices.

You find my relationship

with MacArthur

something to deride?

Not at all. I respect

your devotion to animals.

You're involvement

with PETA is inspiring.

Don't bullshit me.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

It was childish

and it won't happen again.

If you hate me so much,

I don't really think it's healthy

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