Labor Pains Page #2

for you to continue working with me.

But, please.

You can't do this.

Watch me.

But I need this job.

Here I go.

I support my sister.

You're fired.

But I'm...

You're what? You're?

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

Yes, pregnant.

Totally pregnant.

The doctor says the chemicals

or hormones or whatever...

are messing up my system and you can't

take anything I say too seriously.

Except for when I say I'm

pregnant because, I am.

Oh, God.

When are you due?

Octember.

I mean, October.

October what?

Uh, probably the 6th.

Could be the 7th,

could be the 8th. But fingers

are crossed for the 6th

by then I'll just want

this thing out of me.

You're almost four

months pregnant?

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy?

Feels like yesterday I wasn't.

But I was because I'm four months

The legal department

is backing your story

about not being able

to fire a pregnant woman

no matter how much

she might deserve it.

So get back to work.

Thank you

so much, Jerry.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you. From both of us.

Congratulations on the baby. The

entire legal department is thrilled.

Hey, why didn't you tell

me earlier? Oh, I know.

Probably because there's so

much that can go horribly wrong.

I mean, I'm out of the woods.

But I do everything right.

Anyway, so I'm having my baby

first, not that it's a competition.

But I win!

Anyway, no, really,

congratulations.

Oh, Thea! Oh, I'm so excited for you.

No wonder you've

been spacey lately.

What's going on?

Everybody, Thea's pregnant!

Don't look at me.

I never touched her.

Never would have guessed.

You still look sexy.

I had to tell everyone.

Couldn't keep it a secret.

Of course. How can you

hide that kind of thing?

I should've known. My left knee's

been hurting. When my knee hurts,

it usually means

someone's pregnant.

Yeah, or they're stuck underwater

in a car. Anyway, I'm glad it's this.

So who's

the very lucky fella?

You didn't tell 'em

the rest of the news?

Thea and Miles

are engaged!

Oh!

That's so great!

I mean, I got married before I got

pregnant, but better late than never.

Whoo-hoo!

Yay for you!

Yeah, I'm, I'm really

excited, everyone.

Yeah, thrilled. Over

the moon. Way over it!

Psst.

Pregnant? It's brilliant.

Where did you

come up with that?

I saw it on an episode

of Law and Order.

Yeah. You can't fire

a pregnant woman.

Discrimination, lawsuits,

bad mojo, whatever.

Smart.

By the way,

thanks for your help.

Pregnant wasn't bad enough.

I had to get engaged.

Well, I didn't want people to think

you were some kind of wayward skank.

Is that what you

think of single mothers?

No, of course not. I just happen to

know that a lot of people in the office

think you're a wayward skank and I

thought this could turn it around.

Thanks. Crap, Lisa. What am I gonna

do? How will I get out of this?

Can't we just say that you

know, something happened to,

I don't know, one

of your tubes. Sprung a leak.

Do you know what

you're talking about?

Let's just go along with

it for a little while

and then we'll say

it was a false alarm.

You thought you were pregnant, but

it turns out you just had crabs.

Ew.

I'm so sorry, Em. I had

a crazy day at work

and I lost track of time.

Am I too late?

The meeting was at four and it's

five o'clock now. You do the math.

I'm really sorry.

Have you been drinking?

I had a cocktail.

Come on. You're 17. You should

be out drinking and smoking

I'll reschedule with your

guidance counselor next week.

Don't bother. I already met with Miss

Talbot and we discussed my options

What options?

She suggested I start taking

some cooking classes after school.

You have

tennis after school.

Yeah, but I'm

sick of tennis.

I was thinking maybe I could go to the

Culinary Institute in San Francisco.

No way. You're staying

right here and going to UCLA.

Tennis will cover the tuition and I'm

busting my ass off to cover the rest.

I know. You keep telling me when Mom

and Dad died, we lost out on options.

Just do me a favor, be a grown-up and

accept the hand that you've been dealt.

So that's

what you do?

Yeah, that's

what I do.

Really? 'Cause you were at a bar

instead of my parent teacher conference.

Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott.

Jerry? Jerry,

where are you?

Mr. Abbott,

can I help you?

Is there anything

to drink in this place

or do I have to go to my

car and get my divining rod?

I could get you

some water.

Go ahead, soldier. Three

parts scotch, one part water.

Okay. Move, move,

move. Hey, soldier.

What brings

you to the office?

How are you? Well, your

brother wants my book.

Jerry's at lunch. But Thea can

take your manuscript for you

Who's Thea?

Jerry's secretary. You

talk to her every day.

Congratulations are probably in order.

Thea has good news. She's having a baby

Hm.

She looks like

she's strong stock.

Maybe she can give us

a strong future Marine.

Thea, do you

have a minute?

So, uh, how are you?

Fine, thanks. You?

Oh, I'm fine. But I'm not the one with a

magical bundle of joy growing inside of me.

So, no morning sickness?

No bloating?

No. Nuh-unh. Guess

I'm just really lucky.

A little too lucky,

if you ask me.

Yeah.

And uh, where

is your ring?

Well, we...

Her fiance is saving

up for her ring.

It's not very nice to

try to embarrass people.

So why don't you get back to lying

about yourself on your dating websites?

Don't worry about him. He doesn't

know anything. He's an idiot.

And I'm sure Greg

is still a virgin.

Come on, Jerry.

Oh! Alright, Jerry.

Oh! Watch it!

Dumbass.

Come on, Nick.

Come on Nick,

you can do it.

Hit it!

Ow!

Ball. Take your base.

Take your base!

Come on, Thea.

Come on, Thea!

Let's go, Thea!

Go, go. Home run.

Come on, come on.

Go, go.

Get home, get home.

Come on, come on.

Safe!

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm great.

Come on, Colonel.

You can do it.

You got it!

Great.

Thea.

Kristen. Come

here, please now.

You shouldn't be playing

in your condition.

What condition?

Your baby.

Lisa, get your

ass out on base?

Of course.

We are taking you

out. For the season.

All season.

Come on!

Hey, thanks

for the RBI.

Yeah, well,

no more RBIs.

Jerry says I'm a liability, so

I can't play 'cause I'm pregnant.

Sounds like the most reasonable

opinion he's had in years.

Oh!

Yes!

MacArthur?

Good heavens.

Oh, it's okay. I'm

coming for you, baby.

I need a copy

of Abbott's manuscript.

I'm gonna read it in the car

on the way to his funeral.

What? You've never seen a

manuscript on napkins before?

When genius strikes, you

write it down. Do it now.

Okay.

Oh. Thea, um, should you

still be using the copier?

Copy machines emit

electro magnetic waves.

And what does that do?

Well, no one knows yet. But I've

been reading on the message boards

and it seems like something you should avoid

if you're trying to have a well pregnancy.

I think I should be okay.

Oh, good. Well, if it

doesn't bother you,

then can you make 50

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