Labor Pains Page #3

copies of that for me?

Thank you.

You know, I,

I find it fascinating

that Kristen is only a

month further along than you

and yet she's the size of a school bus

and you're still the size of Kate Moss.

Different strokes,

I guess.

Perhaps it's easier to feel

the bump than to see it.

What's the big deal? Everyone

likes to touch a pregnant stomach.

Because you're

a gross weirdo, Greg.

And the baby doesn't

like gross weirdos, Greg.

Hmpf.

You and me are going

shopping after work.

What on earth

are you doing?

I'm stealing

you a belly.

What?

You're four

months pregnant

and you've got the abs

of a Jenku swimsuit model.

Sh. Cover me. Okay?

Look. If you want people

to think you're pregnant,

you've gotta start talking the

talk and walking the... waddle

I don't know

if I can do this.

You can do this.

Just do it for a week.

But you've gotta look the part or

people are gonna get suspicious.

I look ridiculous.

These jeans

are elastic on the top.

I feel like I'm wearing

a condom on my stomach.

You don't look like you've

been anywhere near a condom.

Gross. Did you know that when women

are in labor they sometimes poop?

Ew.

Have you ever heard of an

episiotomy? Or cankles? Hmm?

Agh.

Well, we should get

this as a reference.

I thought this whole thing was

gonna blow over in a few days.

Yeah, but until then you should know

the ins and outs of being preggers.

There's a whole world of stuff

here you know nothing about.

Yeah. And I'd kind of

like to keep it that way.

Ew. Look

at those nipples.

Wait a second,

wait a second.

What?

Here. Here.

No. Can I keep

the stomach at your house?

No. That's like keeping

your arm at my house.

No, no. I don't want Emma to

find out and she hates when I lie.

You lie all the time.

No, really.

It stays with you.

It's your stomach.

Hey! Can I get

a little privacy?

Whoa, what are you doing in

there? Can I just come in?

I'm trying

to talk to you.

It doesn't matter what I'm

doing right now, I am busy. Shoo.

Morning, Thea,

you got my check?

Wow. Look at you.

Yeah, look at me.

Oh, it's not what, um...

Oh, geez, I mean. You've

obviously got a lot on your plate.

I'm sorry about the other day.

Don't worry about the rent check.

Take another

week or two.

You just take

care of yourself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, how

exciting.

I have so much baby

stuff I can lend you.

Let me know if you need to

borrow my old breast pump.

I just have

to rinse it.

My favorite lubricant,

Ann? WD-40.

Thea. I've made some brownies

for you to fatten you up.

Oh, thank you.

It popped.

Yeah, once you pop,

you can't stop.

You're carrying low.

It's definitely a boy.

Whatever it is, you've obviously

begun that slippery slide into obesity.

Well, you had a nice run

there, didn't you, champ?

Oh, good morning.

Look at you.

Oh, my God. I think

I just felt it kick.

Oh. Yeah, mark it in the

baby journal for me, will you?

I will.

Are people buying it?

Totally. Totally.

Ann made me brownies.

I got a seat

on the bus today.

And Garth is not

attracted to me anymore.

It's the best morning

I've had in years.

Okay, you want to hear

something even more amazing?

Have you read Abbott's

new manuscript?

I get asked

to Xerox, not to read.

Okay. Get ready

to have your mind blown.

Ah, "Philip of Macedon

had a hard-on. "

"Scaled great peaks

to conquer the Greeks. "

It's all rhyming couplets

and dirty limericks.

And this is what Jerry's

betting the bank on.

It's insane.

Oh, you're welcome.

Well, you

look different.

Sorry. I'll move you to the

shitty corner in a second.

It's all right, dear.

You've got your hands full.

You've exploded.

Well, yes, she has.

Well, people. I'm sure

you'll be relieved to hear

that MacArthur is expected

to make a full recovery.

I've gotten her a spot

at the McElroy Center for Veterinary

Rehabilitation in Bethesda.

It's the best in the country.

They tell me she should be at 90

percent tail-wagging capability

after just six weeks.

I'll be out of

the office for a while.

I'll be working out of the

rehab center in Bethesda

where I've taken a room for the

duration of MacArthur's stay.

Until I get back, Nicky will

be holding down the fort.

I'm giving him strict instructions

not to do anything stupid.

Code red.

Seriously, Nick.

Don't blow it.

Check it out.

There's our fearless leader

plotting our brilliant future.

Well at least with him in

charge, I'm off the hook.

Well, things

are looking up.

Okay, let's figure out how

to get me out of this mess.

I'll Google what kind of mishaps

can happen when you're pregnant.

Hi, guys. Sorry

to bother you.

You're boss now, Nick. You

can bother us anytime you want.

Right. Um, Thea, I kind of need

a favor. Would you, come with me?

We're meeting

Suzie Cavendish.

I mentioned her in

the meeting last week.

You see, Suzie's written

this hilarious book

about pregnancy. It, it's true

stories about pregnant women

getting stuck in bathtubs and

throwing up under their desks at work

and farting

by mistake in meetings.

It, it's stuff you, you must know

a lot more about than me, obviously.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

I'm trying really, really

hard not to fart right now.

Anyway, I want

to publish Suzie's book

and, and while Jerry's

gone, I'm gonna do it.

You know, carpe diem

and all that stuff.

Yeah, definitely.

I actually used to be a pretty

carpe diem kind of person myself.

But not anymore.

Because I'm pregnant.

See, that's just it.

Suzie's not convinced that

Steinwald's the right place.

So I thought you might

help convince her otherwise.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'll just talk to her

about the whole farting thing.

Uh, one thing. Uh, Suzie kind

of thinks you're an editor.

Why would

she think that?

I kind of implied it.

What?

Suzie!

Hi. Nice to see you.

Most pregnancy books make

you feel totally inadequate

and how you're destined to

be a failure as a parent.

No one writes about what

pregnancy is really like,

how you feel fat and clumsy and stupid.

The absolute worst

is "What to Expect When You're

Expecting. " Have you read that?

Oh, no, I was told it was so

bad I shouldn't even go near it.

So, what are you reading?

Uh,

You know, just

the usual suspects.

Like?

Well, I was banking on

finding Pregnancy for Dummies.

I love

that series. Yeah.

Hm. Interesting.

Come on, Nicky, how can

you guys sell my book

if you're not familiar

with the competition?

Thea has had a pretty

full workload lately.

I don't know, guys. I don't know

if this is the right marriage.

Come on. From the people who

brought you the Kalashnikov diaries

comes a comedic send-up

of 21st century pregnancy?

It's just, the right

home is so important.

I know. We are

the right home.

I mean, sure, our, uh,

plumbing is a little leaky

and maybe we need

a new paint job.

But our backyard is a really great

place for a barbecue in the summer.

You know?

If we can make a bestseller out of the "Defeat

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