Labor Pains Page #4

of Darius at Issus" we've gotta be good.

I mean, that couldn't

be easy, right?

Absolutely.

The thing about pregnancy

is it's incredibly messy.

Those other books are teaching

you how to avoid the mess.

You're embracing the mess.

And you've written

an incredible insightful,

hilarious,

controversial manifesto.

Just give us a shot. It has

bestseller written all over it.

We promise we

won't let you down.

So you've read it.

Oh. I live it.

Love it. Every day.

Let me think about it.

Hey, I'm starting a new

birthing class tomorrow.

Maybe Thea could

come with me.

She'll be there.

And bring your partner.

Her fiancee. Miles, right?

Yeah. Could you excuse

me for a second?

Yes.

Vodka. Straight up.

Thanks.

You okay?

I just set the world

record for bullshitting.

What happened?

Long story. I can't

handle doing it again.

A promotion?

You are the new

Associate Editor

of our brand

new Family division.

Family division?

Suzie called. She wants to

give us a shot, thanks to you.

Now, Suzie's book will

launch our new division.

It's a perfect opportunity

to capture a new demographic

and help the company

to grow vertically...

Nick.

Look, there's something

I need to tell you.

This whole thing

is a big lie.

I feel terrible,

but I'm not really...

An editor?

I know, I'm the one

who forced you to lie.

Which as a rule isn't great but what's not

a lie is that you did really good today.

There's so many

people more qualified.

So many people in ways

you don't even know.

Thea. To be a good editor all you

need is a, a feel for the material

It's what my father had

when he started this company

and it's

what you have.

You're living through the

thrills of starting a family.

What about Kristen?

She's pregnant.

Obviously I am too, but

she's, she's really pregnant.

First of all, Kristen's a lawyer

without a creative bone in her body.

And then there's the indisputable

fact that she's a complete weirdo.

Oh. Look, Nick,

I mean, I see your point.

I do. And I wanna help.

But I just, I can't.

I'm not your accountant.

But the other thing

you should know is that

associate editors make a lot

more money than secretaries.

A lot?

Let's just say,

you'll have your own

secretary and office.

So are you my new

associate editor?

I guess I am.

"War Stories From the Pregnancy

Front" by Suzie Cavendish.

You loved it,

you live it.

You should

probably read it.

I do, I agree with

what you're saying.

If you have your colon

health you do have everything.

But, I do, I thought it interesting

when you said we were going wrong

and we should be sort of on the seat like

a gargoyle as opposed to just sitting.

Not now, Miles.

Don't you know enough about

being fake pregnant already?

How can this be this

big of a deal?

I mean, come on, you do the

nasty, you're knocked up,

you inflate and then, uh, eight,

nine months? Nine months later

you shoot that puppy out. I mean, how

can there be 8 million books about this?

Just promise me

you won't write one.

Okay. If you promise you're

still on birth control.

Believe me, I am.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Excellent.

Nice new digs, huh?

Yeah.

So, what did you think?

About what?

Uh, Suzie's book.

Any thoughts?

Oh, yeah, it was great.

What do you think?

How much did

you actually read?

The first two chapters.

But I'm gonna finish the rest of it

today. I just got a little distracted.

Nick, please,

let me explain.

Thanks for your thoughts.

You have

shelves. And a door.

Congratulations, Thea.

Thank you, Greg.

You really think you can get to

the top by playing games, don't ya?

I know what you're up to, Thea.

And I think that it stinks.

Hm.

Really? Do you think that it stinks that

I want to hire you to be my Assistant?

Really?

You'll start first thing Monday

after I put the paperwork through.

Oh, wow, Thea. Thea, thank you so

much. I, I could kiss you right now.

You don't have

to do that.

I'll see you later, boss.

Look at you,

Little Miss Executive.

Hardly. I don't even really

know what I'm doing here.

I didn't finish the

manuscript last night and Nick

just asked for my opinion

and I didn't have one.

You might wanna get one. This is your

ticket out of the secretarial pool.

If your last name is O'Keeffe,

why do you look Jewish?

Well, it's true.

You don't look Irish.

Steinwald Publishing.

So O'Keeffe got a new girlfriend.

He's robbing the cradle.

She's 95.

Did you hear me?

I loved it. It

was funny and smart

and you don't even have

to be pregnant to enjoy it.

I'm guessing about that

because I am pregnant.

I enjoyed it and I'm

not pregnant.

I was thinking, you could organize

the chapters like a pregnancy.

You know, group each

woman's stories by trimester.

So, so the book would start with

stories about the awkward moments

when everyone thinks you've

been eating too many cupcakes.

Exactly. And then

the second trimester.

Like Sally's story when she threw

up in her purse at her kid's play.

Nick, I'm sorry I didn't finish the

book last night. It won't happen again.

I'm glad you like it.

We've got our work cut out for us.

It'll be in bookstores in 6 weeks.

I'd like to see your notes, but Suzie's

class starts in 20 minutes so you should go.

I totally forgot. The thing is, Miles

is, is going out of town for work.

That's too bad.

Do you think

I could reschedule?

Now it's time for partner

relaxation techniques

for when your

special marathon begins.

So, partners, I want you to

move behind your marathoners

with your legs

open in a big V.

Hm. Welcome home.

Now, take this opportunity to

stroke your wives or girlfriends.

Stroke it out.

Now why don't you whisper

something special to her, okay?

Something that only you two would

share in this private moment.

It could be funny,

It could be naughty.

I'm not listening.

Let that relaxation

wash over you.

I am so sorry

about this.

It's, you know, you don't

have to stroke my hair.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Uh, you know, you can

lean back if you want.

I, I can tell you're

kind of straining.

I am.

Great. Now that

we're all relaxed,

let's try some

birthing positions, okay?

Mary? Could I borrow

your partner for just a sec?

I promise I'll give

him back. Maybe.

I'm just kidding. Come

here, cutie. All right.

I want you to get on all fours with

your palms firmly placed to the ground

and then we're gonna rock back.

We're gonna rock back into it. Oh.

Feel that womb open up.

It feels familiar, right? This is

how we got ourselves into this mess.

For some of us, not all of us.

The position's not for everybody.

Partners, I want you to

envelope your marathoner, okay?

And just get in a deep

stretch here around the belly

keep moving back and forth, right?

Get your hands on the tummy back there.

And keep pushing in. Keep

pushing in and envelope.

Get right on top of there.

Feel that, feel... Oop.

Man down, okay.

It's okay.

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