Labor Pains Page #5

Just hop back on.

No mistakes here.

Okay. All right. Finish up when

you feel done. I need a few more.

If you'll indulge

me Mary, thank you.

Okay, and just keep the

rocking. Never stop rocking.

Oh! Yes. Give it to me,

Rob, we're doing it now.

Oh! Oh!

Okay.

And we're done.

Wonderful, thank you.

This guy's good, right?

I'm gonna borrow

you for another class.

Or after class.

I'm kidding.

Bye, guys.

That was great.

Thanks a lot.

Bye.

Wow.

That was up there

as one of the most

embarrassing moments of my life.

Hey, here, let me

get you something.

No, no, it's the least I can

do after nearly paralyzing you.

Hi.

Thanks.

Did you always work

in the family business?

Uh, I wanted to be a writer. But I

was scared I might be a total hack

so I got

an accounting degree.

I figured I'd make a living doing

that while I finished my book...

but kind of been stuck in

the middle for a few years.

What do you wanna

be when you grow up?

Well, in college I played

in a badass metal band.

Really?

You're a badass?

A little bit, kind of.

Fascinating. A little

terrifying but fascinating.

So is that what you did in

college, badass metal band studies?

No, I didn't

finish college.

Oh, why not? Too boring?

Not Joan Jett enough for you?

No. Um, I loved college. It's just my

parents passed away in a car accident,

so I had to leave to take

care of my little sister.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't

have said anything.

Oh, n-no. I, I'm

glad you told me.

I'm just so sorry

that happened.

Thanks.

So is your sister

a badass like you?

No, she's more

of a smart ass.

Here.

Hey, you know, uh, Suzie's

having a pool party this weekend.

You should come.

And bring Miles.

Pool party?

Yeah. I promise, I won't

be wearing a Speedo.

Nice look!

Do we have a secret steam

room you never told me about?

No, I'm going

to a pool party.

Ah. Well, good thing

you've got that towel on now.

Wouldn't wanna leave that 'til

when you actually get there.

Enough of the sass, smarty

pants. What are you doing here?

Tennis ended early.

What's the bag for?

Nothing.

Come on, you can

do better than that.

At least I'm wearing pants.

Pants? You call

those pants?

They're shorts.

All right, bye. Don't

call if you need me.

Okay, you really have to act

like you're the father, okay?

Yeah.

You're the father.

It's serious.

Oh, come on.

You have to appear

to be responsible.

Are you kidding me?

I'm totally psyched.

I thought about this. Everyone's

gonna think I'm a super-stud

for knocking up a

hot chick like you.

Okay, so, that's an example

of something you wouldn't say.

Baby. Well, I think you're

beautiful even with your...

Thank you.

Hey.

How are you?

Nick, this is my fiance,

Miles. Miles, this is Nick.

Congratulations.

You must be so excited.

Oh, it's, I just can't wait

for the little guy to pop out.

Oh, you're

having a boy.

Yeah.

We, uh, we

just found out.

And do you

have a name yet?

Now, see,

I didn't think any...

Hey.

Garth, this is

my fiance, Miles.

Miles, Garth. He's an

editor at the company.

You're a lucky guy, huh?

Yes, I am. You look pretty

lucky yourself there.

I'm gonna go inside

and say hi to Suzie.

Oh, yeah,

hold up, babe.

I'm taking a dip. It's

blazing here. Babes.

Yeah?

Right there.

Anybody care to join?

I will. Let's go in.

That's what

I like to hear.

I don't wanna

get my chain wet.

Listen, I have two friends

that I want you to meet.

They're both writers and they're

actually looking for a new publisher,

so I think they'll

really like you.

Really?

You and Nick

make such a good team.

Thank you.

Hey, guys. I want you

to meet Audrey Gold

and Dr. Terry Bournachle. Terry

wrote the Bournachle Baby Book,

which is the bible.

I won't even touch that. I don't wanna

be accused of having a God complex.

And Audrey just finished

a book on single parenting

and I hear from reliable sources that

she's not very happy at Boyle Donner.

Oh, well we would love

to meet with you guys.

Yeah, Nick and Thea just started

a parenting division at Steinwald.

Hmm. You have

the most unique shape.

If you don't mind me asking, you

don't have a distended uterus, do you?

Uh, no, no, I,

I don't think so.

Well, who's your OB?

Dr. Draken Barysinwitz.

You mean Hans?

Frogenberry Schoenewitz?

I thought he moved

back to Vienna.

Oh!

My bad. I just, I was trying

to, totally going for her.

Very funny, Miles.

Hey. You should, uh, you

should totally come in.

We're having such a good time in there.

I don't feel like

swimming right now.

Come on. It's

so nice in there.

No one cares that you're fat.

Kids, tell her to come in.

Come in. Come in. Come in.

It's okay.

You don't want to

disappoint the children.

Woo!

Sh*t.

What is that?

Oh!

That's not cool.

It was so humiliating.

On the way home I told him to drop

me off and never speak to me again.

Good. I always thought Miles

was a bit of a numbnut anyway.

I'm just so embarrassed that Nick

thinks he's the father of my child.

Who cares

what Nick thinks?

He's just the first

person in years

that thinks I'm capable of doing

more than just pouring coffee.

What do you think he'll

say when he finds out

your baby is a piece of polyurethane

foam we swiped off a mannequin?

He's actually kinda cute

though, don't you think?

Who?

Um, Nick.

Um, no.

Cigarette?

No, I probably shouldn't.

Okay, uh, to recap, uh

only one of you would even

bother to look at the book.

And the rest of you wouldn't

buy it with a gun to your head...

which can't

be good for sales.

Can any of you tell me why

the cover doesn't speak to you?

Maybe comparing pregnancy to a

battle is, uh, putting you off.

Yes.

I can't stay for the

rest of the focus group.

Can I still

get my check?

Just stop by reception.

Okay. Uh, one down.

Maybe we should forget what's

on the cover for a second.

What makes this book great

is that it's a collection

of real stories for real women talking

about how it feels to be pregnant.

So let's talk about some

of us feel right now.

I feel like crap.

That's good. I mean,

that's bad. But keep going.

How come no one talks about

how much pregnancy sucks!

Oh, there's no

glow in my house.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is

that you're all so over it.

Yeah.

Hello, I'm Orca the Whale.

Like, what's up with that?

I know, they're not

even bloated at all.

Thea, your

sister's at reception.

Hey, what are

you doing here?

You forgot to sign the release for my

trip to Lake Arrowhead. It's due today.

Thea, aren't you going to

introduce me to your sister?

Oh, Nick, Emma.

Emma, Nick.

She's in a real rush.

She has to go.

Okay, well, this has been

fun. It's been fun.

What is that?

Just because you

don't like my dress

doesn't mean you

have to be rude.

Move. I'll

tell you outside.

What's wrong with you?

I'm a big fat liar,

but Jerry was firing me

I had to come up

with something.

You are one sandwich shy

of a picnic, you know that?

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