Lady Killer Page #5

- Well, if you insist, a

cage full of monkeys. - Mm-hm.

- What else?

- Oh, let me see, um...

- Tyrollean yodelers.

- Yodelers in Hollywood? That's a cinch.

May I suggest something big?

Something big and colossal.

I know, an elephant.

- Goodbye, darling. See you tomorrow.

- Ha-ha.

You'll be surprised.

One crate of monkeys

for Miss Lois Underwood. Sign here.

I beg your pardon. There must be

a mistake. We didn't order monkeys.

We were told to deliver these hot or cold.

- We didn't order any monkeys.

- Say, don't give me an argument.

- I just told you...

- Say, I...

Why, this monkey won't sign

for these monkeys.

Oh, look at the cute little monkeys.

Oh, look at the monkeys.

What's going on here?

Dan, you fool.

I was only kidding yesterday

when I asked you to bring me monkeys.

I don't know from nothing.

I just took you at your word.

You asked for one dozen,

so I got you two.

- Will you take these out?

- You're being unappreciative and silly.

Think of all the fun you could have.

And besides, it'll add a little life.

For heaven's sake, will someone

take these monkeys out of my house?

Hello, police department? Please send help

to 2411 Roxbury Hills Drive.

We've got a house full of monkeys.

Oh, my word.

They've completely wrecked my house

and ruined my party.

Don't complain. You asked for monkeys

and monkeys you've got.

You asked for yodelers

and yodelers you've got.

Oh!

Ooh!

Dan, you've got to get these out.

They're in my bedroom,

bathroom, icebox. They're all over.

- I beg your pardon.

- Yes?

There's a gentleman at the door

with an elephant.

What's the matter, Dan?

Something on your mind?

You're certainly not enjoying yourself.

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

Oh, it has nothing to do with you,

darling.

It's that review that Blair wrote

on our last picture. Have you seen it?

Those are written about everybody.

You shouldn't pay attention.

Well, I don't, but this guy's gone out

of his way to be nasty.

Here, get his first line.

"From 'slumdom' to stardom. "

He probably thought that was very clever.

I didn't mind, he's done that before.

But here, he takes a personal slap at you.

Then down at the bottom

he finishes off his column...

...with a cheap laugh at your expense.

That burned me up.

Forget it. You'll get that

from now on. Get used to it.

Excuse me.

- Mr. Blair.

- Hello, Quigley.

- Thought I'd say hello.

- Do you know Miss Johnson?

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?

Oh, Mr. Quigley,

would you autograph this menu for me?

Be glad to. May I have your pencil?

Oh, Mr. Blair, may I speak to you

for a moment, alone?

Alone?

- Uh-huh.

- There you are.

- Oh, thank you. Thanks, thanks so much.

- You'll excuse us, won't you?

- Surely.

Won't you step into my office?

- You wrote this review yourself, didn't you?

- Certainly, my name's on it.

Why do you guys always try to be

sensational...

...and make reputations for yourselves

by writing cheap, nasty drivel...

...at the expense of other people?

- I'll write what I like.

Yeah, write what you like.

But write it about motion pictures...

...and lay off the private lives.

I have a right to my opinion.

Sure you have a right to your opinion.

I'm gonna let you keep it.

Know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna eat it.

Don't be silly.

Right where you are.

Now...

...open your mouth and close your eyes.

- You can't get away with this.

- Open your mouth.

Open.

Now chew. Chew hard.

Now swallow.

Swallow.

All right, let me see.

All right.

I wish I had another one. Come here.

If you write any more cracks

about Lois Underwood...

...I'll cut your ears off

and mail them to your folks.

What a cozy place you have here.

- Like it?

- Oh, I do, very much. It's grand.

I had the interior decorator

of the studio do it for me.

Of course, he did it all from my ideas.

Here's something I wanted to show you.

Come here.

Private speakeasy.

- Care for that?

- Oh, it's perfect.

Cute, huh? We'll have a drink as soon

as you've seen the rest.

Come on, there's something else

I wanna show you.

Oh, uh, you can't go in there now.

- The decorator hasn't finished it.

- Let me look, I might have ideas.

It's all torn up.

The beds aren't made or anything.

- Don't be silly. I insist on having a look.

- No, no. Oh, please, if...

Yoo-hoo.

I see.

Lovely decorations you have.

I know what you're thinking,

but just give me a chance to explain...

It's all right, Dan.

You don't have to explain.

I understand perfectly.

Your, uh, decorator's waiting for you.

Be reasonable.

I can straighten this thing out.

But I tell you I understand.

The bed isn't made.

Good night.

- And how did you get in here?

- Easy.

I gave the bellboy 5 bucks

and told him I was a friend of yours.

Moved in, huh?

- Planning on staying a while? - Mm-hm.

I think it'll be nice for both of us.

- Aren't you gonna give me a hug?

- Uh-uh.

No, I don't see any point in it.

That's very pretty.

You weren't nice to me.

When they threw me in the cooler...

...and I had a chance to get out on bail,

what'd you do?

You skipped.

That was not a very nice thing to do.

I wouldn't have done that to you.

No, sir. Mm-mm.

Not under any circumstances.

Don't change the subject.

So your old friends

aren't good enough for you anymore?

Let me give you a tip.

You know, I can change

all this good luck of yours.

If I ever whisper in a cop's ear

what I know about you...

Say, I think you better start

being nice to mama.

Yes?

You're still going out.

Let me go.

You son...

Some gentlemen outside

to see you, sir.

- Who are they?

- I don't know, sir.

You don't know?

And you let them in?

They walked right in, sir.

Walked right in?

Hmm.

Hello, Danny. How are you, my boy?

- How are you?

- Hello, Dan.

Hello, Duke.

- Spade.

- Glad to see you.

- Smiley.

- Hello, Dan.

You should have passed this fruit, Spade.

Where are your manners?

No. Let me help you.

You?

Thank you.

You like fruit, that I know.

Nice place you have.

You've been doing all right for yourself.

Yeah, doing all right, Spade.

Hey, looking swell, Dan.

Cute little mustache you got.

We've been reading all about you

in the fan magazines.

Friend of yours?

You been rubbing noses with all

the big shots in the picture business.

Well, call it noses if you like.

Can I get you a drink?

- Miss Gale?

- Oh, please.

Duke? You have yours. Spade? Right.

Imagine our little Danny being invited to

all the weekend parties at Malibu beach...

...and the big social doings in Beverly Hills.

- You never get out of that soup and fish.

Couldn't you arrange to get your old

friends a look in at one of them shindigs?

We'd like to see the sights.

No, no, that'd be impossible, Smiley.

If the cops got one look at me

with you, I'd be sunk.

Oh, we know that.

We wouldn't wanna see that happen to you.

We're proud of you.

We're always glad to see a pal

make good.

Now, listen, Dan.

What Smiley meant was this:

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