Larry Crowne

1

- Hey, Sam!

- Hi, Larry.

Morning!

Ready?

Trainee!

Welcome to UMart.

Easy now. Easy. Easy. Try this, right here.

Oh!

But they're not... Actually, Mr Avery!

- How much does this go for?

- $279.69

$279.69

That was a wild ride from this horsey

for that little pickle bug! Wasn't it?

- I am so sorry.

- No, I understand.

This happens all the time,

but it's usually the helicopter.

Ah!

You zone the entire depot, every rack,

before you punch out.

It's not just policy.

It's the right thing to do.

- What'd they say?

- You have to listen twice.

Larry Crowne to the

common break area.

"Larry Crowne to the common break area"?

Yeah, that's what I heard. I wonder why.

It's Employee of the Month day.

Spectacular!

How many will this be?

Oh, I'm not saying. Nine.

Larry Crowne on deck, as ordered.

Hey, Vicky, where were you

in Alvarez' baby pool?

I had last week. What a dope.

Front office personnel are recommended

to leave the employee pools

to the hourly staff, Larry. You know that.

That's too bad.

You could've won a hundred bucks.

Cubby, make tracks, please.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was just taking a break

in the common break area.

You know, I think I know

what this is about.

I don't think you do.

- Crowne...

- Mmm.

There's been a restructuring ordered

throughout the UMart nation.

Now, "restructuring" is their word.

Ask me, it's a pain in the tuchis.

That's right, isn't it,

tuchis, where you get kicked?

- A Yiddish word, yeah.

- Absolutely.

- It's like the buttocks.

- Tuchis and buttocks, synonymous.

Well, it hurts when you get kicked back there

no matter what language you're speaking.

You bet.

Larry,

I'm sorry, but we've come to a parting

of the ways, UMart and you.

Miss Hurley will explain.

UMart's policy is to never limit

the opportunities of our employees,

no matter their race, gender,

age, sexual orientation.

It's all published on the website.

A mandatory review of the records

of all team leaders has revealed

that you never matriculated

to a university or college.

That makes you a 4

on the advancement scale of 1 to 4,

4 being the least recommended.

You're limited in your opportunities

for all further advancement corporate-wide,

and that's something UMart does not do.

That's, uh, something UMart does not do.

Well, this sounds like you're firing me.

See, Larry, here's the problem.

Your lack of educational background

is gonna forever retard your movement

up the UMart ladder.

You're forever retarded, Crowne,

'cause you didn't go to college.

SMU. Class of '86. That's solid gold, man.

They just don't give those away.

Three years, Chico State.

So, that's why everybody's

made front office except me?

You and I

went head-to-head, Larry.

I mean, who'd have thought

I'd get promoted over you?

I chose the Navy

right out of high school.

I did almost 20 years.

Weren't you a cook?

We'd like to thank you for your service

to the nation, Larry,

and, frankly, in all seriousness,

for your service to UMart, too,

but that's over with now.

Absolutely. Hey, ho, hey, pizza left.

- One slice. Anybody want it?

- No.

Larry?

No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, please, please,

don't, I cannot be fired.

These last couple years

have just been a bloodbath.

I mean, I have really taken a beating.

Hey, we've all gotten our clocks cleaned

by our ex-wives. Am I right?

Larry, the timing on something like this

is always a b*tch.

It's always a b*tch.

I thought I was gonna be

Employee of the Month.

Well, in a way, you are.

According to your website,

the position is still open.

So, once again,

this is Larry Crowne with an "E"

calling in regards to any possible

retail sales or management position.

It's been filled? Thank you.

Hello! You have got to be the manager,

am I right?

- Wish I could help.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks. Thanks anyway.

Times are tough.

Tell me about it.

I'm pointing out that

with very little effort

you can still pay off that 392 K you owe.

No, I can't.

And I was told refinancing

would always be possible.

Well, three years ago,

I would have given you half a

million dollars on your signature.

But things change.

You're now unemployed, and your house

isn't worth what you still owe.

Mr Crowne, I'm gonna get you

some complimentary coffee,

and we have a lot of good things

to talk about.

Lots of good things.

First on the agenda is

liquidating your assets.

No! Oh, no! No, no, no, no!

What the hell are you doing?

Larry Crowne, there has been a yard sale

at 8642 Derby Court

since Lionel Richie was

dancing on the ceiling.

That means I have a monopoly

on this location.

You go yard on me,

I will have to take you down.

Lamar, I lost my job.

No. You got fired?

- Yes.

- When?

Last Friday.

That's how they do it. On a bloody Friday.

Security walks you out.

Come Monday, the fired man

is the forgotten man. It's diabolical.

They said it's because I

didn't go to college.

And you believed that?

The Man wanted you gone.

Look at my skin color.

I know what I'm talking about.

So, you going on unemployment?

If I have to.

That's not gonna be enough

to cover your nut.

Taking a loan out to buy out

Denise's half of the house,

- that was a bad idea.

- Huh!

I told you how to avoid divorce lawyers.

You get married and you stay married.

Come on.

Come with me. Come on.

Hey, B'Ella. Got anything new?

Ooh, Larry! Dance lessons from the '50s.

You don't have any of these, I promise.

He can't afford them. He lost his job.

They let him go.

- Oh, Larry. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.

And we gonna get him something better

than a job.

- An education.

- Oh!

Get you some knowledge

and you'll be fireproof.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Larry.

You're never too old to learn.

Just listen to my husband.

He hasn't called The Man boss in years.

Oh, yeah, I remember why.

Yeah! Yeah! I won! I won!

Whoo! I won all this money!

Well, Uncle Sam took his half.

That's gonna be 50 cents for the book.

They give these away for free.

Well, they do. I don't.

- Ten cents.

- Four dimes, two nickels.

- Twelve cents.

- Half a buck.

- Seventeen cents.

- One dollar and I'll take half off.

Keep it.

Larry, okay, 35 cents, Larry.

Dave Busik, Dean of Student Services.

Oh. Larry Crowne.

Nice to meet you, Larry.

Back to college, huh?

No, no, this is the first time ever for me.

I was in the Navy for 20 years.

Coast Guard. Adventure of a lifetime.

I was a cook.

Culinary specialist.

We teach a whole track

in hotel and restaurant food preparation.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I did that long enough.

Then I got into a whole different

line of work, until I was downsized.

I'm here to make sure

that never happens again.

Say, did you ever think about studying

tai chi?

- No, sir.

- Cured my diabetes, no lie.

I recommend Speech 217.

"The Art of Informal Remarks."

"From toasts to job interviews,

Speech 217 will teach you

how to communicate

with ease and confidence."

This class'll change your life.

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