Last Flag Flying Page #8

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Hey, Washington, before you...

how-how-how old were you,

first time?

Thirteen.

Good Lord, man.

- Whoa!

- What?

- Ah, yeah, 13!

- Goodness.

I rest my case.

- You see?

- Lord have mercy.

See, Doc-Doc was 18.

- I was 19.

- 19.

One year worse than 18.

- That's not worse.

- It was time.

No. No, no. The right time

was when I met Mary

and we committed to each other.

Oh, what? Come on.

Look, I-I just want to say

that I think that 13

is still way too young,

by the way.

A-All right. All right,

all right, all right.

So, anyway,

we're in Disneyland.

We're looking.

There's Tomorrowland.

There's Fantasyland.

And then we found

one of the most beautiful

whorehouses I have ever seen.

And I've seen a lot.

Uh, I don't, I don't know.

I... just... paying for sex,

you know, whores, pimps,

it's... kind of disgusting.

Actually, it wasn't that bad.

Yeah!

There's my guy!

Yeah!

Well, it was, it was okay.

It was nice.

- Oh!

- Truth be told,

our Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ,

had not yet entered

into my heart.

- Oh, God, please save me.

- And so, I yielded to...

bad impulses.

"Yielded."

Do you hear that?

- He "yielded."

- That is correct.

No, I'll tell you

what he did with impulses.

- He drank impulses, right?

- Yes.

- He smoked impulses.

- Yes.

And he f***ed impulses.

- Yes, I confess.

- He f***ed impulses.

He was-- no, you know

what his nickname is?

Mueller the Mauler.

He was famous

for the five-dollar,

- five-minute special. Right?

- Yeah.

I mean, he was

like a jackrabbit.

- -"I don't want to

spend any more money there."

Aah! That's my bad leg, man!

That's my bad leg. Sh*t.

Son of a b*tch.

Come on, man.

I was also famous for whipping

a motherf***er's ass.

Listen, it was all...

seems very funny right now.

It was funny.

Yeah, well, it was pure

dereliction of duty, sir.

Dereliction of duty, pure

and simple. Remember that.

Actually, it... it was like

going to a friend's house.

And then... then you just...

then you have sex

with the friend.

Then what?

And then...

...you'd give 'em money.

Then you'd pay your friend.

- That's right.

- Oh, I got to tell you,

we did get tired

of listening to him

talking about that beautiful

Asian whore of his, right?

Oh, man.

He was so proud.

He said he had

a hard-on so big,

felt like he was

in a full-body cast.

It's like nothing can move.

He couldn't blink and he

couldn't even move his fingers.

Oh. That's... that's not...

...that's not true.

Oh, f*** me,

I miss those days...

when you had a...

a boner

you could hang a towel on.

Jesus.

I used to have a johnson

that would stand up

and watch me shave.

Oh, like this.

Like, "How you doing?

"Yeah? You all right?

How is your day so far?"

Now... now it watches me

pull up my socks.

Just like, "All right."

When it goes, it goes.

- It goes. Goes quickly, too.

- Don't encourage this.

- Don't encourage this, Washington.

- Goes fast.

Oh, man.

- Keep using it, though.

- Okay.

- You don't...

- I'm imagining...

I'm imagining his penis

helping him pick up his socks.

Just what does that look like?

I'm home. Huh?

New York. New f***ing York.

Well, let's not wander too far.

No, no, no, just far enough to

find the first Blarney Stone,

which... I believe is this way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This way.

Take that in.

Take a deep breath.

What, you do it?

What do you smell?

There's one distinct smell.

What is it?

Urine. I love it.

It's like the official scent

of the city.

Huh?

All right.

Barkeep, I will have

one more drink

and then one more after that.

See, this is what we call a man

with a drinking problem.

- This, right here.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I ain't got no problem.

I got this mastered.

Born in pain, live in fear,

die alone.

Could you be any more Irish

right now?

Could you possibly be

any more Irish right now?

No, I do not think I can be.

Although, I will confess to you

my-my mother is

actually half Italian.

I lost one. He lost two.

Yeah, well, guess

he thought it was worth it.

It's not worth it to me.

Wonder if it's worth it

for his daughters.

He's got twins, right?

Who? Oh, the cheerleader?

Who?

Well...

He was a cheerleader in college

before he was the president.

Would it be worth their lives?

Even one of them?

Doc...

Look, kid...

there's no answers in there.

Right? The answers you're

looking for can be found

- in petition and prayer.

- Okay. Thank you.

- Okay. You guys ready for an adventure?

- Yup.

Huh? Let's go. Let's hit it.

- Where are we going?

- Uh, it's a secret.

You'll find out

when you get there,

- just like heaven. -Oh, I don't

like the sound of this.

Just like heaven.

How many minutes

do I get on this again?

- On this plan...

- Yeah.

...500.

Every month?

Yes.

Is that enough?

- "Enough?"

- Yeah.

How can anybody talk for more

than 500 minutes a month

- on a f***ing telephone?

- That's a good point.

- Pardon my French.

- No, it's a good point.

- I mean...

- We're going to miss our train

- as sure as God made little, green apples.

- Oh.

We're not gonna miss it.

Calm down, calm down.

And if you call people

with the same plan,

doesn't count

against your minutes.

- That's-that's one hell of a plan.

- It is.

Well, what do you care

who's on the plan?

You don't know anybody

on the plan.

I know you two f***ers.

Come on, let's get some phones.

I don't want one.

I don't need one.

- Thank you.

- I wouldn't mind having one,

- to tell you the truth.

- Hey!

- Oh, Lord.

I've often thought about it.

- Barkeep, a round of phones for my partners here.

- Right.

Okay, so he and I can talk

to each other any time,

even though he's in Norfolk

and I'm in New Hampshire,

and it's not gonna

cost us anything?

- That's the deal.

- Wow.

- Don't believe it.

- Come on, Mueller.

- What?

- Mueller.

- Come on.

- Come on.

With the three-way

calling thing,

we can talk to each other

at the same time.

Yeah, but aren't we

talking to each other

- at the same time right now?

- Yeah, but

we'll be on phones.

All right,

what if I don't like it?

I mean, we get stuck

with a contract

for what, a year, two years?

- Just two years.

- Two years.

What if you fall down?

- Have you thought of that? Huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.

- With your gimpy legs, that's a real possibility.

What if you fell into a ditch,

and you can't get up

and nobody can see you?

I mean, it is adios, padre.

But, ah, with your mobile

phone, you get it out

and if you can see the numbers,

your glasses are...

like, "Oh, I can't see.

Help me. Help me.

I've fallen

and I can't get up."

Guys, 911 calls don't count

against your minutes, either.

That's... come on, that's...

- All right, all right, all right.

- Yeah!

If I say yes, will you shut the

hell up so we can get our train?

- I'll shut up.

- Okay.

Yeah!

Come on!

Hello.

- Hello. This is God. Is this Reverend Mueller?

- Who's this?

- God.

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