Last Vegas

- This is great, man.

- Look at you.

- This one's a riot.

- That's so cute.

- Guys, look at this.

- That's a keeper.

- That's a keeper, Pat.

- Paddy, you are one ugly kid.

- Hideous.

- A monster.

- Prick.

- A**hole.

Gentlemen, such language

in front of my girl?

- She's not your girl.

- Pat is right.

- Thank you, Pat.

- Hey! Well,

look at what we have here.

The Flatbush Four.

Or whatever stupid name

you call yourselves.

Hey, where'd you jerks get the quarters

for these pictures, huh?

You stealing from my old man's

till again, Sammy?

Come on, Danny,

Sam didn't steal a thing.

- How would you know?

- Because I did.

How many weeks has it been

since you've been paid, Sam?

Five?

Six.

So until he gets paid,

we're gonna take everything

you owe.

Nobody cheats us.

Billy, you moron,

he'll kick your ass.

That's right, moron. Unh!

No one calls us names

except for us.

This fight is gonna make us legends.

Run!

Kick, kick, kick.

Kick, kick, kick.

- I... Kick, kick.

- Kick, kick.

Side, side.

- Come on. Come on.

- And step, step.

- What?

- All right, just do it.

- It's good for your knee.

- It's good for my knees,

but it's destroying my soul.

Sam, shush.

She can't hear me.

None of them can hear me.

Looking good, Gloria.

Oh, sorry, did I just step on your foot,

or was that your breast?

- Row and row and row.

- See?

Now, ladies, show us what you got.

Show us what you got.

Come on, gents, you can do it too.

- Ira?

- What, Sam?

No, I was just... Just checking.

Now grind it, grind it, grind it.

You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You'll never know, dear

How much I love you

Pop, what are you doing? You're not

supposed to be lifting anything heavy.

Man, she got a bit of an ass on her,

but I don't think that qualifies as heavy.

- Okay.

- Let me take care of her today.

Your only job is to relax. We don't want

another episode, do we?

All right,

I organized your medication,

I programmed the alarms

on your phone,

and I put the schedule

on the fridge.

Okay?

Okay.

Good. All right.

- Say bye to Grandpa.

- Uh,

- call me if you need anything at all.

- Sure thing.

- All right. I put a hoodie in there.

- Bye, Blakey!

See you this evening, sweetie.

- The sippy cup?

- I hate that.

Remember Grandpa loves you!

Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow.

You'll be saying "Wow!"

every time you use this towel.

It's like a shammy, it's like

a towel, it's like a sponge.

A regular towel doesn't work wet.

This works wet or dry.

This is for the house,

the car, the boat, the RV.

ShamWow holds 12 times

its weight in liquid.

What?

Go away, I got a bat.

It's Elizabeth, your neighbor.

I brought you soup.

That's why I have the bat.

Hey, Mr. C. It's potato leek.

Yeah, I know. Something funny

happened with the leeks.

- Can we just pretend again?

- I can't wait to taste your soup.

- Heh.

- Thank you.

You're welcome. Wait, there's a

free concert tonight in Prospect Park,

and I was gonna take

my grandmother,

and I thought you two might,

I don't know, get along okay.

- Elizabeth. Elizabeth.

- She's really funny.

Listen please.

You're a pretty young lady.

I bet the boys are attracted to you

as long as you don't give them

anything to eat.

But I have a word of advice:

find a man,

don't let him get

anywhere near your kitchen,

get him married to you

or your grandmother,

and please just give me some peace.

It's been almost a year

since Sophie died.

Find a man.

And stop bringing me soup.

Are you kidding? That's great news.

And we're expanding our offices

right with you.

We're gonna be turning

a lot of heads. I love it.

Maybe we should go public.

I'm not crazy.

I got you, Carl,

you're a genius.

- Honey, we're going to be late.

- I know, I'm almost ready.

But you don't even have

your clothes on.

Oh, because I thought

I would just wear this.

- Love you.

- Love you too.

No, not you, Carl.

The news is great,

and before you change your mind,

I'm gonna hang up right now.

Ronnie, when you were feeling low,

you remember what I said?

Sh*t.

Ronnie,

when you were feeling low...

...you remember what I said to you.

"Ronnie, I know

you're down in the dumps,

but as a fellow bachelor,

I know you're gonna bounce back,

because you may not be smart

and, uh, you may not be

good-looking,

but you got one thing

that every woman loves.

You have

an enormous beach house. "

And that's why, when they called me

and told me that my, uh, friend,

my mentor had passed away

peacefully in his bed,

I said, "That's exactly

how he would have wanted it. "

Except maybe with a young redhead

lying on top of him.

You know why Ronnie

died in his bed?

Because for two years

he never got out of that damn bed.

I got a beautiful,

young girlfriend here,

who guys half my age

are drooling over.

I'd marry her

before I'd give up like Ronnie.

Uh...

I said it, babe.

So, what do you think?

You want to get hitched?

Heh. Yes.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

So sorry.

Ronnie, I'll see

you in 30 years, pal.

We bought this toy ring at CVS

on our way home yesterday.

Yeah, this is just a temporary one.

- So sweet.

- Until we get the real thing.

- Yeah.

- By which he means the biggest one.

Hello, Billy.

Hey, Neil.

Your daughter got this engagement

party together pretty fast, huh?

Yeah, she probably didn't want

to waste a lot of time, considering.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, excuse me one minute,

please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where...?

Where'd you get that bottle?

Ran out of Scotch, found this

in the back of that cabinet.

No, no, no. You...

You don't want to open that.

No, no.

Hello?

Hey, is this the bionic man?

Hey, Billy, how you doing?

What's going on?

- What are you whispering about?

- Oh, uh, Miriam dragged me

to a hideous dinner party.

I'm, uh, just going through someone

named Abraham Rosenbaum's

medicine cabinet.

He's got some very deadly sh*t here.

- Hang on, let me patch in Archie.

- Okay.

...all these guys?

Are you insane?

- At least I have a husband.

- Oh, whatev...

- Clayton residence.

- How you feeling, Arch?

Billy, hey, hey!

How you doing?

I'm just sitting here watching

this Housewives thing.

Horrible people, horrible.

- Hey, Arch.

- Hey, Sam.

- How's the titanium hip, man?

- No, the hip was last year.

Uh, it's my knee.

It's great, yeah.

I'm thinking about

having my balls done next.

All right, listen, guys. I got something

important here, all right?

- Oh, sh*t, Billy.

- Heart or cancer?

Prostate? What?

Why every time the phone rings,

you think somebody's dying?

I live in Florida now.

Usually, when the phone rings,

- somebody is dying.

- No, I'm getting married.

- What?

- Wow.

To that lady who's half your age?

- She's almost 32.

- I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32.

Now, look, Archie,

by the time she's my age,

okay, I'll be...

- Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.

- Billy, Billy, Billy.

You've got your whole

what's left of your life ahead of you.

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