Last Vegas Page #2

I mean, you know. Look at Archie.

He's divorced and miserable.

I've been married almost

40 years,

and I wish I was as miserable

as Archie.

Can you guys maybe give me

a little support as my dearest friends?

- How about it?

- Sorry, you're right, sorry.

Yes, good... It's good news.

We're happy

you're getting married.

Right. So...?

So how'd you pop the question?

You remember my friend Ronnie,

the guy I worked with,

uh, who trained me?

- Yeah, yeah, love that guy.

- Good guy.

Yeah, well, he died. I...

I proposed at the funeral.

- I got nothing. Arch?

- Nada.

So, Lisa, she doesn't

want a big wedding or anything,

so we're gonna get, uh, married

in Vegas this weekend.

So we're gonna have

a bachelor party in Vegas.

- No, no, come on, forget it.

- No, no, no, yes, we are.

- We are.

- It's your first wedding.

You threw all of our bachelor parties

for us.

- Two for me.

- Yeah, but we got no time.

- We're getting married on Sunday.

- Aw, Billy.

So we... No, it's fine.

We fly in on Friday,

Saturday we give... We give you

the best bachelor party

in the history of mankind,

and then on Sunday

your child-bride flies in and, uh...

- Voila.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, man.

Billy, it is 4:
15 in the afternoon,

and I'm at a dinner party.

If I don't get out of here soon,

I'm gonna swallow all of

Abe Rosenbaum's pills at once.

- What about you, Arch?

- My son won't let me go.

I can't smoke, drink, eat salt,

or stay out past 9:00, but...

- Archie's in.

- All right, all right! No, I love this.

- This is great, man. Huh?

- We're invincible, baby.

- Flatbush Four, we ride again.

- Uh, the Flatbush Four, yes.

Yeah, so, uh, who's gonna call

Captain Sunshine?

- Billy.

- Uh, look, guys...

I know he hates me now,

but he's got to be there.

You know it, I know it, so, uh,

do me a favor.

You guys figure it out, all right?

- I got to go now, I'm hanging up.

- Uh, wait, wait, Billy, Billy.

All right, I'll lie to my son,

you tell your wife.

Okay.

So your rental car confirmation

is in your bag.

And when you get to New York,

just follow the directions

to Archie's house.

- Ah, good.

- You getting excited?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Bachelor party in Vegas

with a bunch of old fogies. I...

- Oh, come on.

- You're angry at me,

- you don't want me to go. I'll stay.

- No, I'm not angry.

No, don't. Just, uh...

Don't open it

until you get to Las Vegas.

- What is it?

- No, honey, just leave it until you...

Okay, or now,

if you want to open it now.

"What happens in Vegas

stays in Vegas"?

A condom and a Viagra?

- Where did you get a condom?

- That's your reaction?

I'm at the pharmacy 30 times a day,

I can get a condom.

Sweetheart, you're unhappy.

It's like the light has gone out

of your eyes.

And the Florida jokes,

they're... They're getting tired.

And I... I want my guy back.

Heh, so I... I thought,

if... If you...

I don't want to know what you do.

Don't tell me about it,

and we will never bring it up again.

You...? Is this some kind of trick?

What...?

- I'm afraid to get out of the car.

- Get out of the car.

- Are you...?

- Get out of the car.

Okay, love you.

Love you.

Ezra!

- I thought you left for work.

- I had to make some phone calls.

- Are you gonna get out of bed?

- No.

Cold. Pfft. Cold.

Pop, it... It's, uh,

sweltering in here.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

Listen, maybe I should,

um, stay home today.

No. You...

You don't have to do that.

Thing is, uh...

...last night...

...I peed myself.

Oh, Pop, I'm sorry.

It's just one of those things

a man has to deal with, alone.

Okay, all right.

Ah-ta-ta-ta.

Open the damn trunk, Sam.

Wait, it's a rental!

I don't know where the thing is!

Hang on, hang on!

There it is.

It's Open!

- Let go of the handle.

- Sam, unlock the door.

Let go of it.

Let go of the handle!

- What?

- Just step back!

Go, go, go.

Seat belt, seat belt.

- Archibald.

- Hey, Sam.

You look good.

You lie good.

Yeah.

There it is.

- Let's start the gambling early.

- What?

Hundred dollars

says Paddy will not come.

No, no, he's got to come.

Billy's come through for us

more times than I can count.

It's our turn.

- Prick!

- Ha-ha-ha!

A**hole.

- Hey. Good to see you.

- Ah.

What the hell are you doing

in Brooklyn?

I heard there was

a bathrobe convention.

- Have I come to the right spot?

- Don't be a smart-ass.

- Come on in.

- Heh, Archie's here too.

Uh, he's out in the car.

He couldn't make the...

All the flights of stairs

in his condition.

- Archie's here?

- Yeah.

- In the car.

- What's going on?

Well, the three of us are, uh,

gonna go to Las Vegas

for the weekend.

Why on earth would I ever want

to go to Vegas?

For fun! Remember fun?

That thing you used to have

before the permanent scowl set in?

Come on, I don't have

a permanent scowl.

- He said with a scowl.

- I don't!

Okay, it's not a scowl,

you're just ugly.

Look, just throw some things in a bag.

The flight leaves in a couple of hours.

Come on!

We're not leaving without you.

Either you come with us,

or we move in.

Hold on, hold on.

You show up out of nowhere,

you say we're going to Vegas.

You know what?

- This smells of Billy Gherson.

- Oh, Paddy, Billy Gher...?

This... This has nothing to...

Billy, we want him to come,

of course.

But then he...

You know, he's got a big

- important thing he has to do.

- Of course.

He always has something important.

That's the problem.

It's always about him, him, him.

- What's that about?

- That's just Billy!

- Put it behind you!

- That's right,

he's got more important

things to do.

I have more important

things to do right here.

What's with the pictures of Sophie?

They're everywhere.

Everywhere I turn,

that's all I see: Sophie!

It's getting a little morbid,

don't you think?

- Don't... Don't touch those.

- Oh.

- Jesus.

- Okay, sorry.

- I like looking at her.

- Okay.

That stays there,

this stays here.

Okay.

But you come with me to Vegas.

Paddy, you have got to come

with us to Las Vegas.

If you think

I'm leaving this apartment,

you're dumber than that hat.

Say what you want to me,

but leave my hat out of this, okay?

My hat has never done

a thing to you.

- I'm not going to Vegas!

- Paddy!

What, are you...? Are you nuts?

You're gonna give yourself

another stroke!

Archie, you okay?

- Is he...?

- The stairs. Paddy.

You got to come.

You got to come

to Vegas with us.

- Please, Paddy.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay! All right, I'll go!

I'll go! I'm going!

I'm going, okay?

- Great.

- I got to pack.

- Prick.

- A**hole.

That was well done.

So Billy was so busy,

he couldn't spend the weekend with

his three oldest friends in the world.

Typical.

Once a selfish bastard,

always a selfish bastard.

Never changes.

Never, never changes.

You know, that's the thing

about him, he's just the way he is.

What was so important that

he couldn't spend it with us?

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