Last Vegas Page #3

So important?

I agree with everything

you've said, Paddy.

For the last four hours.

Him, him, him.

He didn't even call.

You know, he... A disappointment.

He didn't...

He didn't even call.

All I can say is, if I ever,

ever run into that son of a b*tch

again, that prick, I'll...

Forget it.

- He'll regret the day...

- Hey!

Ha, ha! Well!

- Surprise!

- Hey!

Hey, Archie, how you doing?

Sam.

Hey! Ya)'. fun. Fun!

Hey, hey,

what's that hair color?

- Hazelnut?

- Have you got more hair

than you used to have?

- Oh, stop it, will you?

- You've got more hair than...

Where'd you get the extra hair?

His ass.

Hey, look, don't be upset

with them, Pat.

- It wasn't their fault.

- I'm going home.

Paddy, look,

I'm getting married, okay?

This is a bachelor party,

I needed you here.

- I'm going home.

- How many times

do I got to tell you I'm sorry?

You can't say it enough, my friend.

You can't say it enough.

Every time I see you,

we go through this sh*t.

One more word, I'm gonna knock

your block off like I did in fifth grade.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, hey, hey! Knock this sh*t off!

The hell's the matter with you?

Now we're here together,

the four of us.

We're here to celebrate

Billy marrying an infant.

- She's not an infant.

- Shut up, Billy!

Archie, blood pressure?

I need this.

Sam needs this.

And believe it or not, you two

jerk-offs need it most of all.

Now, either you'll manage

to be civil with each other,

or so help me, I'm gonna rain

holy hell down on both of you.

You understand?

- Huh?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna go find some damn water

and take all my damn pills.

Then we gonna get

this damn party started.

Yeah.

It's gonna be fun.

- Where to?

- Remember Binion's,

where I had my bachelor party?

I looked it up on the Google,

they've just renovated it.

- Billy, Miriam gave me a condom...

- He won't shut up about it.

- I won't shut up?

- You sound like 6 year olds.

Billy, now that you've got

ass-hair on your head,

do you wash your hair,

or do you just wipe?

- Pardon me.

- Uh, excuse me.

Um, where's the check-in desk?

- Check-in desk?

- For the hotel? Check-in?

Hell, they closed the hotel part

down for remodeling months ago.

Reopening next year.

It's gonna be real nice.

Uh, we have a problem.

The rooms, uh, aren't gonna be ready

for another year and a half.

They're still remodeling.

Archibald, did this topic

come up when you made

the reservation?

No, because you insisted

on making the reservations.

I insisted, but then you insisted,

and it is the second insister

- that supersedes the first.

- Sam. Sam.

I offered, you insisted.

Guys, guys,

don't worry about it, all right?

Lisa and I are staying

at the Aria for the wedding.

- I'm just texting my assistant.

- Yeah, see that? No problem.

Big shot's assistant

will take care of everything.

Meantime, I got to look for a bathroom.

Or don't they have that either?

Okay.

We'll go to your hotel.

- But we're the ones getting the rooms.

- Yeah, that's right.

Soon as I have a drink.

It's 5:
00 in Florida.

- I'll join you.

- If you insist.

You know, Sam, it was you who

insisted on making the reservation.

And where'd you get that silly hat?

Oh, why is my hat

the default insult?

Can thrill me like you do

And fill my heart with love

For only you

Only you

Can make this change in me

For it's true

You are my destiny

When you hold my hand

I understand

The magic that you do

You're my dream come true

My one and only you

Only you

Only you can make

This change in me

For it's true

You are my destiny

When you hold my hand

I understand

The magic that you do

You're my dream come true

My one and only

You

All right. All right.

Terrific.

Thank you! But all that tells me is

that wherever you guys are from,

you lack quality entertainment.

Okay, that'll do it for me.

Make sure to tip your waitresses.

It's pretty funny when they fall over.

- Ha-ha-ha!

- Oof.

Sam, Sam.

No, she's good, she's good.

My friends and I, uh,

would like to buy you a drink.

Um, you were the ones laughing.

In that case,

I should buy you a drink.

- Ah, heh.

- Oh, hardly.

- I'm Diana Boyle.

- Hi, I'm Billy Gherson.

- I'm Archie Clayton.

- Hey.

- Hi. Uh, that's Sam Harris.

- Hey, Diana, please, sit down.

- Let go of her hand.

- Thank you.

Wow. You were...

That was just incredible.

And... And I'm just gonna

preemptively just put my cards

- on the table, and say that... Ah.

- Sam.

My wife of 40 years

has given me permission to,

basically, uh, cheat on her

this next few days.

And so I just wanted to

let you know, in case, uh, you...

- I'm available.

- That's a generous offer.

Are you good in bed, Sam?

I don't remember.

Ha-ha-ha.

- Great!

Uh, Carol, could I have

a Sapphire Martini, straight up

- with a twist, please? Gentlemen?

- All right.

Uh, what...? Uh, no alcohol.

- He won't have alcohol.

- What?

Bombay Sapphire martini,

straight up.

Don't pay any mind to him.

- I'm a big drinker, I drink all the time.

- Okay, okay.

- Bring him two.

- And I'll have one.

I'll... I'll have one as well.

So, what brings you boys to Vegas?

I'll tell you what brings us to Vegas:

a big fat liar.

I just wanted to come over

and tell you how much I enjoyed

- your performance.

- Oh, thank you.

You're no spring chicken,

but you deserve better

- than being around these lowlifes.

- Wow!

Prince Charming, is that you?

You are so much shorter

than I thought you would be.

No, actually we're here, uh,

for a wedding.

Our friend Hazelnut

is tying the knot on Sunday.

- Yeah? Oh.

- So, all right. So long, jerk-offs.

I'm gonna go look for a hotel

that actually has hotel rooms.

Wait, wait.

Why are you leaving?

Because of this schmuck,

that's why.

We got a couple

of unresolved issues.

Is he a schmuck?

- It's a gray area.

- Hmm.

We've been best friends

since we're 6 years old.

My wife dies about a year ago, he

doesn't even show up for the funeral.

It's a little more complicated

than that. I...

Yeah, sends me flowers with a note

that says "Sorry for your loss. "

Schmuck.

Well, I am sorry

that you're leaving.

Clearly I need someone

to look out for me,

seeing as how I'm associating

with an alcoholic, an adulterer

- and a schmuck.

- Heh, heh.

I like you.

- Well.

- Pat Connors.

Still Diana Boyle.

- Diana?

- Ah!

- Oh, look here.

- There you are.

To the first bachelor party

I've ever attended

that could be covered

by Medicare.

- Ha-ha-ha.

- And, um, to the only

people here who actually

listened to me sing.

Thank you for that.

Hey, you, eye contact.

Doesn't mean a thing

without eye contact.

How old is the woman

that he is marrying?

- Uh, she's, uh...

- Oh, well, you know, she's...

- Uh, just, uh, in her...

- 30-ish.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Guys, come on, we got to

get going here, all right?

- Let's get over to the Aria.

- Oh, that's a great hotel.

- Has my lucky big wheel.

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