Last Vegas Page #4

- Mm. Big wheel.

- Then you're coming with us.

- She is?

What the hell is

with this traffic?

- Are you comfortable?

- No, I'm... I'm fine.

- I can make him sit in the back.

- No, he doesn't have to go in the back.

- Are you sure?

- Screw this, all right?

- Let's just get out of here.

- What?

- Let's get out. Screw it.

- Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.

Lead on, man.

Whoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

What is that, a map?

Look at them.

The moron brigade.

So now it's just me, on my own.

There's this young girl, a neighbor,

she keeps trying to bring me soup.

- Well, she sounds terrible.

- She is terrible.

Soup's not bad.

- Aria.

- Gentlemen checking in?

Gherson. Gherson.

I'll take that, sir.

All right, gentlemen, I'm gonna

touch base with my bride-to-be.

She has her own phone?

Yes, Archie,

she has her own phone.

- Not a toy phone?

- Children are learning more and more

about new technology.

They're younger and younger.

Oh, like a baby monitor?

You guys finished?

- Not yet.

- All right, huddle up, huddle up.

You are surrounded

by slot machines,

poker, roulette,

and there are girls at every bar.

I want to hear stories,

I want to hear results,

I want to hear all of you

getting in trouble.

And I'm sure

this young lady can help you.

See you back here.

Ah, this is

the one, this is the one.

Okay, so put a dollar down.

- I don't gamble.

- Oh, this is not gambling.

This, my friend, is a sure thing.

- Yeah, but it's throwing money away.

- Come on, Paddy, give me a dollar.

- Perfect, we're in.

- Good luck.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, congratulations!

Five dollars off the buffet.

Yes, we did it.

Our lives are changed forever,

Paddy. Can you feel it?

All right, Paddy, you just won

five dollars off the buffet.

- What are you gonna do first?

- Go to the buffet.

He's going to the buffet,

ladies and gentlemen,

the man is going to the buffet.

Yay!

Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, uh, uh,

the good news is that this hotel

actually does have rooms.

The bad news is that

none are available.

Don't tell Billy, please.

I don't give a flying fart about Billy.

Where am I gonna sleep?

Well, they said

they might have some after 6.

So here's the deal:

Lisa wants me

to check out the chapel.

Heh, she's got you on a short leash,

doesn't she?

- Kids these days.

- Well, would Mrs. Don Rickles

happen to know

where the chapel is?

I do, and I will show you.

- That's okay, that's fine, I'll find it...

- No, no, no, shh.

- I'm being wonderful.

- Take your time.

Plenty of time.

We got till 6.

Blackjack.

I used to like blackjack.

- Archie?

- Archie.

- I'm a little concerned...

- Yeah.

Uh, ahem.

Can I sit here?

- Every time.

- Yes, of course, sir.

- Yeah, sit down.

- Cocktail, cigarettes?

- Sir?

- Yeah?

Sir, I think she's asking

if you have

any, uh, money in that

fanny pack of yours.

- Oh. Ha, ha.

- Yeah, there you go.

Excuse me, cocktails.

Holy crap,

what, did you rob a bank?

Sort of. I emptied out

half my pension, $15,000.

- What?

- You all right?

Guys, come on.

I'm on a weekend furlough

from prison.

I don't know about you,

but I'm making the most of it.

Seriously, count a

little slower, Ling.

- Come on, Paddy, join us, this is... Oh.

- Oh!

Uh, sorry.

Kidding me?

It's like you did that on purpose.

No, no, it's...

It was just an accident.

What are you, his bodyguard?

No, you know what?

Thank you, guys, for killing

a really, really hot table.

We're done.

Fifteen thousand coming in.

And on that happy note,

I've got a certain prophylactic device

burning a hole in my pocket.

I will see you gentlemen later.

- Sam. Sam?

- What?

Glasses. Take your glasses off.

Makes you look younger.

- He does?

- No.

Hi.

- Hello, sir.

- A, uh, gin and tonic.

Right away.

Hi.

You have to see it.

I'm sure.

There he is.

Hi.

Hello.

- Come here often?

- As a matter of fact, I do.

It's a good place for me to relax

between shows.

Between shows?

Your shows... Your show?

Yeah, I love this place.

It's got a nice, uh,

"anything can happen"

kind of atmosphere,

you know what I mean?

Oh, is that a wedding ring

you're sporting there?

It is a wedding ring, but, uh,

the great thing is, I have permission.

My wife is, uh,

very open.

Well, okay.

Okay...?

Okay, well, uh, let me...

Let me buy you another drink.

- I just have one question for you.

- What's that?

What would my wife think?

What? Hol...

Excuse me, I just have...

Oh. Oh.

I'm... You're... You're... I...

You're a... You're a trans...

Trans... planted New Yorker?

- New Jersey.

- Jersey? Oh, Brooklyn. Oh.

You look fantastic.

And I do not judge,

I make no judgments-.

Oh, no, no.

No judgment here either.

"Papa Don't Preach. "

- No, no, good.

- It's a Madonna song.

I get it. You're Madonna.

Uh, hello, I'm Sam.

- Sam Harris.

- Maurice Tischler.

Yeah.

This is it.

If you're gonna

get hitched in Vegas,

this is pretty much the least

depressing place you can do it.

Hey, I like it.

Well, good.

I will, uh, leave you to it.

- Welcome.

- Thank you.

Welcome to where love takes flight.

Hi. Billy Gherson.

- Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Gherson.

- Hi.

I should have known. Ha, ha.

I've seen a lot of couples

come down this aisle.

I can always tell

when it's true love.

Uh, no, no, no,

this is not my fiance.

- No.

- Oh, no, no, no.

This man would never marry

someone even close to his own age.

So who are you?

I'm his mother.

So we got a lounge singer

of a certain age.

- Oh, how delicately put.

- But not from here.

- Atlanta.

- Right.

In my former life,

I was a tax attorney.

Um, I raised a daughter on my own.

Her father was an a**hole

of epic proportions,

and I got her through school

and, um...

Now, I am giving you the full bio here.

Should I stop or...?

- No, no, no, go on, go on.

- Really?

- Yes.

- Okay. Um...

And so a few months ago,

I found myself downsized

and empty-nested,

and I asked myself,

"What do you really want to do

with your life, Diana Boyle?"

And what I really wanted to do

was sing.

I'm a little old for American Idol.

- Oh.

- So I figured Vegas.

And so, you know,

as they say, it goes.

A big shot at Binion's needed

some legal advice,

so basically, I got that gig

sewed up till I drop.

It was nice of you

to walk me to my car.

Oh, well, it was, um,

nice of you to walk

me to the chapel.

You know, you are not as charming

as you think you are.

Well, no one could be,

quite frankly.

It was nice.

Congratulations!

So long, schmuck!

Hey, babe.

No, no, I just came from...

Yeah.

It's interesting. It's, uh...

No, you're gonna love it.

You're really gonna love it.

- Surgery?

- Yeah.

- That's... That's a game-changer.

- Well, it's just a big commitment.

There's no going back, you know.

It's not the pain,

- I mean, it's the recovery time.

- How long is the recovery?

It's like eight to 12 weeks.

It's hard for a man to take.

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