LBJ

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Bob Walker

speaking from Dallas Love Field...

...where a large crowd has gathered

to await the appearance...

...of President and Mrs.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy...

...who have arrived from

Carswell Air Force Base in Fort Worth.

Lyndon, stop looking at that. Honestly.

Mr. Vice President,

we'll be in the third car, the gray Lincoln.

What's the word on Yarborough?

The president told the senator

he rides with you...

...or he could walk through downtown Dallas.

Oh, isn't that sweet? Thank you, honey.

- Yes. Yes, it is the first lady.

- Jackie!

The youthful Mrs. Kennedy

looking beautiful in her pillbox hat...

...and matching pink outfit.

Mrs. Kennedy is followed by the president...

- Hello. You look lovely.

- ... of the United States.

Thank you so much.

- Hi, Jackie.

- Hi, Lady Bird. It's good to see you.

- Mr. President.

- Lyndon.

- How are you?

- Good.

Mrs. Johnson. Lovely as always.

- Lyndon.

- Hi, Nellie.

Followed by Texas Senator Ralph Yarborough.

Good morning to you.

This will be your vehicle, Mr. President.

The crowd is jockeying

for a better look at the president.

Wait, no. The president has

walked past the motorcade...

...and he's making his way towards the crowd.

- How are you?

- Hello.

- Shaking hands with people.

- Thanks for coming out.

- Thank you.

- Some have cameras...

- ... to capture this historic moment.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Real pleasure.

They didn't expect to be shaking hands

with the president of the United States.

This is quite a thrill for the people

who have waited here all morning.

And once the motorcade departs,

it will head through the city...

...where crowds are waiting for a view

of their president and his wife.

- Thank you.

- Thousands will be on hand...

...for that motorcade, which

will move through downtown Dallas.

Don't you just love Texas?

Is there anywhere else you'd rather be?

This is regarding the Farm Bill.

We wanna vote in less than an hour.

Get back to the leader.

Tell him people are still undecided.

We wanna push this through

in the next half hour.

Because I'm not General Custer,

and this ain't Little f***ing Bighorn.

So if you have any objections...

...tell me now before I head to the floor

of the United States Senate.

We got Cannon. Senator Yarborough.

- I'll be right with you.

- Senator Mansfield, sir.

- Mike. What's the number?

- About 48.

"About 48" is not a number.

Closest approximation I could get.

Mike, I want you to imagine...

...putting your little 2-inch pecker

on the edge of this table.

Now, I grab a hatchet, and I tell you...

...that I'm gonna swing it down

about 2 inches from the edge.

- Would you be nervous?

- Mm-hm.

Well, that's how I feel when you tell me

that the count is "about 48."

Now, what good is a whip

that doesn't know how to count?

Go back out there

and get me an actual number!

Juanita, dear?

- Yes, sir?

- Call Dirksen's office...

...and tell him I'd like to speak

to the senator at his earliest convenience.

- Yes, sir.

- George, get my tailor on the phone.

Who is Mike Taylor?

Who...? No, not "Mike Taylor." My tailor.

The guy who makes my f***ing clothes.

Get him on the phone now.

- Senator Yarborough.

- Mr. Leader...

- ...I still don't take a drink.

- No?

Now if you've called me in here to ask me

about my vote on the Farm Bill...

...I should tell you I have not changed

my position in the slightest.

No problem. No problem at all.

But, listen, while I got you here,

there is one question...

...I've been meaning to ask you.

Have you got sh*t for brains?

What the hell is your problem

with this Farm Bill?

We should be doing a heck of a lot more

for the people who have less.

The only thing more irritating

than a liberal is a liberal from Texas.

The senator is here.

- Bring him in.

- What my constituents want is...

Your constituents are my constituents...

...and just because after three failed

attempts at the governor's mansion...

...you finally managed to win an election...

...hardly makes you an expert

on Texas voters.

- Sir?

- Don't tell me what they want.

Senator Dirksen is on the phone.

I've got your tailor as well.

You realize that Juanita managed to get

the minority leader of the Senate...

...quicker than you could locate

a man who sews for a living?

Hello, Everett, this is Lyndon.

We wanna bring this thing to the floor,

but can we do it without our two parties...

...nipping at each other

like a pack of rabid dogs?

Uh-huh.

Well, much appreciated, as always, senator.

- Juanita?

- Yes, sir?

Send Dirksen a box of Havanas.

Walter, get ready to move on it.

You know, this could be your lucky day.

You might be able to vote

your conscience on the Farm Bill.

I like to think that is the only way

that I ever vote.

Spoken like a true one-term senator.

Means why haven't you

endorsed me for president?

You haven't announced.

Beside the point.

- I like to hope that...

- You like Kennedy.

Senator Kennedy and I,

we share many principles.

You know, you got your show horses

and your workhorses.

Now, Kennedy's a show horse:

Easy on the eyes...

...but when you need your field plowed,

he won't leave the barn.

I hear you, but what is most important...

- ...to me...

- Hold that thought.

Hello there, this is Lyndon Johnson.

Now, you all made me

some real lightweight slacks...

...about three, four months ago.

Kind of a light brown and light green.

Rather, soft green and soft brown.

Like powder on a lady's...

...face, and now,

I'm what they call "well-endowed"...

...so you give me the average man's pants...

...I get all bunched up,

you know, like riding a wire fence.

So give me another couple of inches

from where my nuts hang down...

...round to the back of my bunghole.

All right. Thank you very much.

- You were saying?

- What is important to me...

- Sir, that just put us over the top.

- Call for unanimous consent.

Show horses, workhorses.

You only get one.

Go vote your conscience.

Nice of you to join us.

Well, I heard there was a seat available.

And as the motorcade makes its departure...

...the presidential car is followed

by the Secret Service vehicle...

...which is followed by Vice President

and Mrs. Johnson.

Oh. Heh.

No, I'm... I'm perfectly fine.

Guessing you Kennedys don't do

a lot of deer hunting.

Well, when Kennedys fire weapons,

it's usually at Nazis.

Lot of Nazis in Hyannis Port?

We need to know if you're running.

Quite comfortable in my post

as majority leader.

Then perhaps you'd consider

endorsing my brother?

I'll endorse whoever wins

our party's nomination.

And there's no chance

that'll be you, correct?

How many different ways

you want me to answer that?

One would suffice.

I have zero intention

of running for president.

I wanna know why you're

putting these signs up.

For starters, Johnson has not said

that he's running for president.

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